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garch the great - probed! lyrics

probed!

i was sleeping soundly in my bed one night
when a flash of light turned the dark to bright
before i knew it, i was floating high
beamed up aboard to a ship in the sky
little green folks with their big ol’ eyes
looking at me like i was a prize
they said, “relax, it won’t take long
we’ve studied your species and what makes you strong.”
but they grabbed their tools with a glint in their eye
and i started to wonder, “am i gonna die?”

probed! i got probed!
did they think it’s where my secrets are stowed?
out of all the ways to get to know me
why the fascination with my booty?
probed! oh, i got probed!
those aliens got a little too bold!
forget the stars, forget the unknown
they’re all obsessed with our twilight zone!

i said, “hey there, folks, can we talk instead?
like why you took me out of my bed?”
they said, “we’re here to advance our science
to unlock the secrets of human compliance
we’re scanning your dna and mapping your brain
but why we start back there, well, that’s hard to explain.”
i said, “listen, we’re all creatures with brains
why not just ask? this feels insane!”
but they giggled and whispered in alien tones
then produced a rod the size of my leg bone!
a little zap here, a little prod there
then they ripped off my underwear
do they map the cosmos through our behinds?
or is this just how they pass the time?

probed! i got probed!
why’d they use things so cold?
oh!
do they think it’s where the answers hide
or are they just curious about our insides?
probed! oh, i got probed!
their interests seem oddly scoped
for intergalactic science and thrills
it’s always about the cheeks and chills

are they doctors, pranksters, or cosmic spies?
do they see our asses as a big surprise?
could it be they’re searching for gold?
perhaps they’re culturing rectal mold!
maybe it’s a fetish, maybe it’s a test
or maybe they think our b+tts are the best!
are they checking for treasure? searching for clues?
or is it just something they like to do?
whatever it is, i’m begging please
can’t we study brains, or maybe knees?
probed! i got probed!
how much data can be enclosed?
probed! why’s it always the same?
do aliens have some universal b+tt claim?
probed! this feels so bizarre!
are our b+tts the wi+fi to your alien radar?
they conquered sp+ce and time untold
but the final frontier’s still the hole!

now i’m lyin’ on my belly in searing pain
hoping to never endure that again
if they beam me up, i’ll scream and shout
“probe my brain all you want, but leave my b+tt out!”

probed! can someone explain
what’s up with the rear and all this cosmic pain?
i sure could use some lidocaine
ow!

- garch the great lyrics

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