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gardena - flowers and trees lyrics

[verse 1]
15 years old seated upon my bed
reading for english class adventures of huck finn
a cloud covered up the sun that shined in
my mind began to roam how many pages ’til the end
phone buzz screen lights new account follow me
strange tag no pic my curiosity peaked
discarded mark twain just break a moment to peak
only one moment to break me but i was intrigued
at first a flash of flesh not sure what i had seen
so i continued scrolling 3 posts deep inside the feed
then my eyes were opened i watchеd my purity leave
my first exposurе to s+x 2 strangers upon a screen
i thought it would be sweeter more smiles but less t++th
perhaps more laughs and not how they scr+ped and screamed
naked and unknown is that intimacy?
if thats how they make love then love must be made cheap
my heartbeat returns can’t find the breath to breathe
throw my phone to strike the ground in between my dry heaves
and i run to find my mom tears streaming down my cheeks
she gave compassion and grace to share my tears as i weep

i want to scratch my eyes out but now it’s too late
images sink deep i feel my innocence break
and when i talk to any woman i can’t look upon them straight
cause when the scenes replay they might be wearing that face
i wander off in the garden while searching for some relief
new urges growing inside me teach me how to achieve
stumbled into a place that’s hidden in shaded leaves
and did what i was told no question of my belief
there i scattered my seed in the flowers and trees
and years to come became some thickets and weeds
the fruits of my youth were buried up at the scene
beneath the twisting of roots and the choking of dreams
[verse 2]
18 years old my poor soul had grew weak
in weariness i strived but still i failed to find peace
l+st grew into an addiction the hunger harder to please
the pressure turned to depression my mind was never at ease
kept the habit a secret and tuck the shame away deep
was lonely to carry burdens in desperate need of relief
a soul craving connection so i returned to the screen
in so the form of torture became my mode of release

and then my views was infused by an abusive agenda
one where women are beaten and then they’re bruised for the pleasure
of men thats excusing their aggressive behavior
and love is just a role that is played by a pretender
i’d longed to find that love but only knew what i’d seen
new urges growing inside me teach me how to achieve
and then i found hands to hold to alleviate my needs
she followed me in the dark i didn’t know how to lead

my heartbeat went cold i did not struggle to breathe
i did not join in her weeping but i regretted the deed
i gave what wasn’t for her and took what wasn’t for me
the same way i was corrupted when i was only 15
depression grew to resentment and then descended to hate
as i rejected my image and cursed the day i was made
because the cycle continued and i continued to take
i was enslaving myself my only way to escape
my dreams were haunted with violence k!lled on repeat every night
the demons tormented my thoughts i lived in fear of my mind
but when i cried out to god i was denied a reply
i pinned my hatred on him and threatened taking my life
cause i’m not a drinker but tonight imma drink
you said that you’d be with me then why did you leave
i sang you songs all my life i thought you’d loved what i sing
if your ashamed when my worship why don’t you hear when i bleed
curse your fakeness and silence come take me out if you can
i’ll take an eye for an eye an eye for an eye ’till the whole world is blind and is as empty as me
(do you hear my blood crying)
[instrumnetal interlude]

[closing verse]
20 years old stand with my bride in the breeze
feet are bare in the grass right where we planted a tree
this is love unashamed it wasn’t earned but received
i do not hide as i weep embrace the tears as they stream

- gardena lyrics

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