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garfunkel & oates - the college try lyrics

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[verse 1]
there comes a time in everyone’s life
when they choose stasis or they choose to grow
to be open to new views and experiences
and challenge what they think they know

we don’t live in a black-and-white world
and sexuality exists in the gray
you can’t define those roles so rigidly
by saying someone’s totally straight or totally g-y

’cause people are just people
and love today is omnisexual
god, i love this new side of me
as a modern heteroflexible

so with the help of a lot of booze
i find a girl and we make out
and it feels the same as kissing a guy
so i don’t see what all the fuss is about

we keep hooking up and it feels so good
and with my new broad outlook firmly in place
i’ve come so far, it feels so right
there’s a vagina in my face, and i’m–

(gagging)
no! gross!
don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it, don’t want it!
gross, ew!

[verse 2]
holy shit, i didn’t expect that, didn’t know i’d react that way
i was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like i got pricked by a thorn
i’m cinderella and it’s midnight, and my coach turned into a woman
i haven’t been that close to a vagina since i was born

i thought i understood what was up down there
but it’s just so human when you see it up close
it’s a messy, visible, secreting organ
real woman genitals are kind of gross

i thought it’d be smooth and non-threatening
or nonexistent like barbies
instead, it looks like a half-eaten beef and cheddar
in the garbage can at arby’s

it’s wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
and kind of pink but also kind of brown
with a super-aggressive tongue-like hole
and a hoodie triangle protruding skin mound

it’s like a weather-beaten deflated football
or a decomposing, bl–dy pear
or a toothless mouth with gum-rotten yeast
that’s salivating and covered in hair

i knew it smelled weird, but this is extreme
like old french dressing at a salad bar
or expired banana activia
or a dead rotting turtle you left in your car

it reminds me of the smell of my grandma’s house
or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
wafting from a jar of formaldehyde
or fresh spaghettios and warm blue cheese

[verse 3]
oh god, i can’t believe i said that
that was insensitive and immature
i swear i’m not homophobic or anti-woman
just caught off guard for sure

the female anatomy’s divine and perfect
and should be eternally celebrated
and revered for its role as a beautiful vessel
wherein all life is created

and when i think about it, i’m–

(gagging)
ew! jesus! gross!
god no!
blech! ew!

i’m sorry for the confusion, ma’am
i guess i’m not that evolved
and my illusions of bisexuality
just instantly dissolved

i mourn the cool new life i’d envisioned
wherein love renders gender preference obsolete
’cause when i looked a vagina in the eye
i made a hasty, ungraceful retreat

so my sad but definite conclusion is
that my mouth is for food and penises only
but i’m happy so many people like it down there
otherwise i’d be really lonely

and i can’t believe i have one of those
ew

- garfunkel oates lyrics

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