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george carlin - join the book club lyrics

join the book club! as an introductory offer, we’ll send you the following books absolutely free: eat, run, stay fit and die anyway, how to seem intelligent, there’s big money in staying put, peace of mind by losing complete control for 16 hours a day, your thighs control your life, how to fillet a panda, rid yourself of doubt… or should you?, chances are your sister’s full of sh-t, how to give yourself a complete physical without getting undressed, 64 good reasons for giving up hope, why jews point, 100 dead people n-body misses, backpacking for shut-ins, my dog is a real fruit, your shoes are worth money, reorganizing your pockets, what to wear on the toilet, 124 simple exercises for the teeth, the stains in your shorts can indicate your future, tips on getting laid, self-mutilation as an attention getter, 600 ways to give people the shaft, tremble your way to fitness, you give me six weeks and i’ll give you some disease.

and if you join today, we’ll send the following books absolutely free: poems for the insane, a treasury of poorly understood ideas, apartment hunting for devil worshipers, a complete list of all the things that are still pending

and these books on food are yours: the intravenous cookbook, the meaning of corn, fill your life with croutons, the food coloring diet, cooking for the paralyzed, cooking with heat

and, if you join today, we’ll send the following books absolutely free: controlling fear without getting frightened, things no one can help, understanding people you’ll never meet, 6 ways to f-ck up before breakfast, marriage for one, i suck-you suck, let’s change the alphabet, famous bullsh-t stories, sport fishing with power saws, why hawaii and norway are not near each other

and if you join today, we’ll send the following books absolutely free: a list of people who mean well, don’t throw away your old skin, 10 things we don’t know yet, caring for the seated, the wrong underwear can kill, trotting across zaire, why it doesn’t snow any more, a complete list of everyone’s personal effects, six cities no one has ever been to, i gave up hope and died and it worked!, famous people who were wiry, the lives of six extremely short saints, anna may wong’s t-ts are made of aluminum

and if you join today, we’ll send the following instruction books absolutely free: how to do everything at once, how to give people your best regards, how to spoil other people’s fun, how to kill a rat with an oboe, how to organize a tupperware gang bang, how to wave goodbye without moving your arms, how to spot truly vicious people in church, how to get back from boston, how to lease out the sp-ce inside your nose, how to get a tan with a flashlight, how to start a range war, how to spot a creep from a distance, how to give a king a really hard time, how to kill your nephew, how to become a greaseball and how to turn unbearable pain into extra income.

so call now. right now! join the book club today!

- george carlin lyrics

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