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george carlin - teenage masturbation lyrics

me and my friend, billy heeney..we’re about the same y’know i’m 37. it was about 10 years ago; we were about…27, y’know? and we were hanging around in the bar where we grew up. and so we were talking to each other, y’know..reminiscing and specifically one night at this particular time, we were reminiscing about…teenage masturbation. plain old adolescent hardcore jacking off, man. we were, y’know, talking about little secrets and sh-t and everything; we were older now. and, uh, we were talking about who you used to think of. because we didn’t know that we fantasized. we thought we thought about people. lotta guys thought about movie stars…and a lotta guys thought about girls in the neighborhood. i always did because they seemed more possible, y’know. “hey, this can happen!” brings you up a few, doesn’t it?

and while we were talkin’; this was so beautiful. ’cause it wouldn’t be funny if he didn’t really say it to me. heeney says, “did you ever do betty ryan?” i said, “yeah!” he said, “how was she, man?”

well, i believe in, uh, masturbation. i think if god had intended us not to m-st-rb-t-, he would have made our arms shorter. “hey, i can’t reach nuttin’, c’mere. hey, gimme a hand, w-llya, c’mere, c’mere, c’mere. hey, ya wanna job? hahaha.” it’s how phrases are started.

well, i just think if you’re gonna m-st-rb-t-, man…treat yourself right. don’t just drag yourself in there again and use yourself. bring home flowers. how about a movie and a quiet dinner for one? and be coy with yourself, man. “i don’t wanna!” “aw c’mon honey…for me?” “s’all you ever think about!” one thing i never did was accept money from myself, man. i never bought any, boy! one time i caught myself with another hand. never let your left hand know. big trouble.

there’s another part of pre-adolescent s-xuality or pre-adolescent “good feelin’s”. it’s just on the threshold of innocence and wonder; it’s a little girl getting involved with the banister. it’s quite innocent; it’s quite nice. it’s quite okay, but it’s especially built for her. young males can go up against any flat surface they want. little girl seeks the banister out; the banister knows. the banister is sensitive to all this. you’ll see the girl over there-

(mother voice:) “what, what’re doing to the banister?”

“just talking, mom. oh, what’s the use..mom, dad, i’d like you to meet the banister.”

(dad:) “what do you do for a living, son?”

“i’m a handrail.”

“think you can support my daughter?”

“i’ll support anyone who’ll hold the handrail.”

that’s right; the handrail loves it. the banister wants to be slid down. you girls; take a chance. don’t cheat. don’t go down sideways, sidesaddle, both legs off to the left. it’s like premature withdrawal, it’s like dry humping. doesn’t mean anything. banister wants you to straddle up good and come on down! yeah.

- george carlin lyrics

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