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grace abnormal - assimilation iv (the bottom of infinity) lyrics

i woke up two days before the twenty eighth
three in the morning according to the seven segment display
eyes ablaze
wide open like a cell door when the lock breaks
realization hit me like a wave
lighthouse beacon shining in my face
everything falling into place
told my closest that day
felt my heart race
f+ck it’s not fake
that night gave the first beat i ever made
two essential components whirred to life through one name
two high bars i’ve accepted never make
at that time i thought nothing would be the same
and that’s all its been since
every step redundant
every problem unfixed
every day i became more sick
every movement i sunk deeper into the pit
spiral staircase
walk in circles but i feel the light slip
darker and darker as i revolve
four years with no progress after the call
four years of self hatred over the steps i never walked
four years of cowardice and refusing to talk
four years, that’s why i’m so terrified to fall
four years since i learned my name
and some times i wish i never learned at all
i’m a face in a crowd
a blank canvas
whatever makes you proud
i like what makes you smile
i hate when i feel loud
i hate when i’m alone
i need someone to love me
because i can’t love me on my own

i’m a failure
i spent so much time worrying about my first step i sank into the fixtures
my tombstone blank
my existence an undeveloped picture
the house unlived in
and that’s the future she picked for her

i’m alone
surrounded by people who would hate me if they got to know me
every i love you feels unearned ever appraisal feels phoney
they only care because they feel they have to the second they don’t they’ll disown me
the second they do that they’re free
and the second they do that i’ll leave
the second i do that i’m free
the second that happens the house collapses
and the flowers grow from underneath
the tumor expelled
the hate drained from the iv
the spiral self consumed
and the land it leaves feels peace
i’m a narcissist
i think that i’m the root of all problems my demise the essential fix
i think the people who love me are lying because it’s easier than accepting that i’m wrong about my existence
i think people think about me for over five minutes at a time
i think people hate me because of every time i’ve lied
i think people hate me so i can justify my suicide
i think people hate me because i hate myself every minute i’m alive

i’m lost
i spent so much time trying to prove my worth i never learned what my worth was
i spent so much time figuring out how to make others happy i never learned my own cause
i spent so much staring at myself all i see is flaws
all i see is things i can’t do
all i see are doors that don’t move
wide open in front of me
an endless chasm
my awakening was my own doom
i want to take a step but what if it’s the wrong move
what if there’s nothing there

i’m afraid
i know i have time left that’s all that’s on my brain
so many paths in front of me i was paralyzed in place
potential in stasis
key in my hand won’t stop shaking
what if there’s nothing there
if i leave i’ll never have to know
i know i won’t my life support heavy flow
keeps me wondering
a small spark in the back of my brain
maybe i can make it something
maybe i can make it something
maybe..

i’m grace
i don’t know what that means
i don’t know my place
it’s just a word
landed on my tongue at that date
the last time i trusted my gut
the last moment before the self hate
if i hate myself so much why can’t i commit to the escape?
if i hate my art so much why do i still create?
if i’m so unworthy of love why do i have to force others away?
if i’m so desperate, why don’t i believe it when i hear “it’ll be okay”
i’ve known the author my whole life and i still don’t know what she’s trying to say
i’ve known the author my whole life and i still don’t understand the play

- grace abnormal lyrics

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