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grimes the rapper - lying to myself lyrics

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10. lying to myself

[verse 1]
spent like six years in the dark trying to build up the heart
just to watch it all fall apart
thought whatever and decided ima try it with material thats better
and thats where we are now

with like six cds in my backlog
beez in the trap on the top of the tracks when i made my first record
thought the worst and still got a little bit disappointed with the reception

i mean a lot
this sh-t is all i got
and all i ever got out of it was jack squat
should have dealt drugs, was afraid of getting caught
should have got a job
should have been someone im not

should have had the wits to quit
or b-lls enough to stick with it
i cause a fuss and b-tch and p-ss
off everyone i’m friends with

tell me how this ends, please
will i end up broke or wealthy
i hope for fame and gold a-plenty
and pray i’ll be making ends meet

and i’m lying to myself
can’t even sleep when i’m lying in bed
start to think of all the time that i’ve spent
or wasted
sitting around getting wasted
doing nothing and getting wasted

[hook]
and i’m lying to myself
my real life hasn’t started yet
i’ll be a real–ss artist once this starts to sell
but for now i’ll just sit around and get wasted

and i’m lying in a hayfield
sp-ced out no idea if this is just a daydream
whatever i’m just glad to be out of the bas-m-nt
i drop my mask i am tired of faking
i’m fine my heart’s just racing
i’ll be alright in a bit

[verse 2]
feels like im floating
hanging on your coattails
on the back of your bike
smile
and sigh through my t–th
breathe in too deep and start coughin
these streets look awful tonight

no hope for my future but i hope for a home and a wife
a nice suburban life
bittersweet sh-t about the good old days
these things feel awful to write

dont go starting a fight you know you can’t win
i spark a light and i grin
the world is turning from darkness to spring
spring to summer
and im in a hurry
to finish this mixtape
turn it in half finished at the last minute
oversleep on my big day
and arrive on the stage with nothing prepared and still f-ck with their brains
whats that thing that the kids say?

i dunno cause im almost 26
feel like im et when im lyin in the ditch
and im crying in the shower cause im havin a migraine
hour after hour searing hot white pain
and the vomiting

[hook+outro]
and i’m lying to myself
my real life hasn’t started yet
i’ll be a real–ss artist once this starts to sell
but for now i’ll just sit around and get wasted

and im lyin in the bas-m-nt
sp-ced out wondering just where the h-ll my brain went
i fainted and woke up a decade later
with the body of an old man and the mind of a teenager
still writing songs in e major
but im finally gaining consciousness

and i’m smiling with confidence
no idea where all my self doubting went
but i’m not gonna go look for it
i’m 25 and i still can’t cook for sh-t

awkward i need someone else to book my gigs
and suck my d-ck
i’m trying to branch out, i’m shook to sh-t
i finally did it it just took a bit

longer than i wanted to
stronger than i used to be and wanted you to know it first
feel like i’m about to burst
maybe i’m no longer cursed
search my heart for answers to questions i don’t even know yet
f-ck it, i guess i’ll just go home and sleep
i’ve been going for too long, just keep it brief
and i try too hard, this sh-t’s not that deep
it’s just honestly. and honestly?

i’ve been off this week, everything feels distant
like i’m watching through a telescope
i try to pick myself up and be optimistic
but truthfully i’ve been having fading hope

there’s no way i’ll blow up soon, so i’ve been laying low
i’ve been playing slow, cause even if you don’t have any
you still gotta let them f-cking haters know

- grimes the rapper lyrics

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