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george carlin – asshole jackoff scumbag lyrics

(carlin as announcer:) h-llo, america! it’s time to play “-sshole, j-ck-ff, sc-mbag!”

ladies and gentlemen. this man is a rancher, he works for an oil company and he lives in texas. is he an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

this man is a lawyer. he lives on long island and he’s a us congressman. is he an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

this man is a tv newscaster, he lives in the midwest and he’s a born again christian. is he an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

we’ll find out today as we play “-sshole, j-ck-ff, sc-mbag!”

well, h-llo everyone, i’m bob barlow and it’s time for another session of “-sshole, j-ck-ff, sc-mbag”. you’ve just met our three subjects for today, now let’s meet our players. two contestants who will try to determine from the clues we give them, whether our three subjects are. -ssholes, j-ck-ffs or sc-mbags!

first of all, our champion. from short hairs, new jersey, she’s a mother of two and her hobby is sitting on the toilet until her legs fall asleep! here is ethel schwantz!

bob: how are you today, ethel?

ethel: not so good, bob. i think i’m going to start my period.

bob: well, that sounds interesting. what does your husband do?

ethel: my husband is dead, bob. he was crushed in a folding couch accident.

bob: you have any little schwantzes around the house?

ethel: yes, i have been blessed with two wonderful sons. my oldest boy, elliot, is involved in charity work. every weekend, he takes a hundred senior citizens out to the country and leaves them there. and my youngest son, jules, is currently attempting to be the first man to cross the atlantic in a gas filled douchebag.

bob: well, that sounds very interesting, ethel. let’s meet your opponent. your challenger is from big thighs, new york. a man whose job is recovering stolen religious articles. his hobby is calling up the red cross and telling them to go f-ck themselves. meet eddie donneker!

eddie: hi, bob.

bob: hi, eddie. is your wife here today?

eddie: no, bob. she couldn’t be here. she’s taking the swat team exam in newark.

bob: well, she sounds like quite an independent lady.

eddie: that’s right, bob. she once killed a man during a sports argument.

bob: do you believe in women’s lib?

eddie: bob, she can do whatever the f-ck she pleases.

bob: okay, tell us, do you have any children?

eddie: yes, one son, d’artagnan, is quite a successful mr. potato head salesman. unfortunately, my other son, winslow, a designer of custom belt loops, was sucked up into a vent this morning.

bob: well, that really sounds interesting, eddie. they sound like quite a family. okay, it’s time to play “-sshole, j-ck-ff, sc-mbag” so, lets take a look at our prizes.

first of all, from larson luggage, a complete set of portable suitcases. yes, now you can ‘take it with you’. specially designed larson luggage has built-in handles! making it completely portable. “larson. new ideas in luggage!” and our winner will need that luggage because he or she is going on an all expense paid vacation to dover, delaware!

“dover, delaware. the city that means well.” you’ll spend three days in dover at the fabulous fireproof hotel. and you’ll travel to dover in… this brand new wheelchair! yes, it’s the wilson speedmerchant 5000! the only wheelchair with a rollbar!

all right, players, let’s meet our first candidate as -sshole, j-ck-ff or sc-mbag! panel, this is wayne critter. he’s a rancher and an oil man from texas. he smokes ground beef in his pipe and his hobby is getting in his pickup on sat-rday night and running over non-whites. ethel, you’re our champion. is wayne critter an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

ethel: okay, bob. it’s definitely between -sshole and sc-mbag. wayne, what organizations do you belong to?

wayne: i belong to the junior chamber of commerce, the masons and the american legion.

ethel: okay, bob. based on that answer, i’m going with “-sshole”.

bob: okay, that’s one vote for “-sshole” and now, eddie donneker, it’s your turn. what is wayne? is he an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

eddie: i can settle this real easily, bob. wayne, what are your favorite teams in sports?

wayne: well, i like the dodgers in baseball and the cowboys in football.

eddie: okay, i agree with ethel, he does sound like an -sshole. but that answer leads me to only one conclusion. this guy is a j-ck-ff. a real j-ck-ff!

bob: all right, we have one vote for j-ck-ff and one vote for -sshole; now let’s find out what he really is from one person in the position to know, his wife. let’s bring her out here, mrs. ola mae critter!

how are you, mrs. critter?

mrs. critter: i’m fine, bob.

bob: got any little critters running around?

mrs. critter: you mean crabs?

bob: .no, i mean children.

mrs. critter: all our children are grown, bob, and they all have thankless dead-end jobs with corporations.

bob: well, that sounds interesting, but let’s get to the main subject, your husband. as you know, our contestants have voted one vote for “j-ck-ff” and one vote for “-sshole”. this is the big moment, ola mae. we want you to tell us what your husband is. is he an -sshole, a j-ck-ff or a sc-mbag?

mrs. critter: well, bob, when i first met him, he was a real j-ck-ff. he did all kinds of crazy things. like he’d drink a lotta beer and then p-ss in your hat! a real j-ck-ff! then after we got married, i noticed he started turnin’ into an -sshole. after several years, he’d become a complete -sshole! then he started spendin’ more and more time with politicians and businessmen, bob, and they turned him into what he is today. a complete and total sc-mbag!

bob: a sc-mbag! he’s a sc-mbag! that means our first round is a draw. no score yet. we’ll be back in a moment or two to break this tie on round two of “-sshole, j-ck-ff, sc-mbag!”

- george carlin lyrics

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