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half man half biscuit - breaking news lyrics

we’re just receiving reports of an incident at a farm in suss-x where a number of people have been arrested in connection with “annoying the nation”.
it is believed that that the owner of the farm, a mr. hibbert, has been co-operating with police and government officials in a plot codenamed operation less pr-cks, and kindly granted permission for the use of his seventeenth century t-the barn as a temporary holding place for those arrested. although not confirmed, we are led to understand that those already charged include:
bus drivers who don’t wait for people to sit down before pulling away from the bus stop;
taxi drivers who use their h-rns instead of knocking on the door;
people who moan at the council about the streets being full of litter, not stopping to think that it is people who drop litter, not the council;
a room full of drama teachers listening to bjork;
grown men with replica shirts worn over their jumpers, who stand up and stretch out their arms when the opposing team fail to hit the target;
an -ssortment of scriptwriters, novelists and playwrights who own agas but don’t know how to use them;
a musical equipment reviewer responsible for an article t-tled “microphone of the month”;
a woman who described herself as “a little bit bridget, a little bit ally, a little bit s-x in the city” and chose to call her baby boy fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have expected her to call him julian or rupert. bit of advice: call him rupert, it fits, and besides it’s a good name. don’t be calling him fred or archie, with all its cheeky but lovable working cl-ss scamp connotations, unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in william hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at newton abbott.
also being held is a whole wall full of teenagers spitting needlessly;
an amateur thug in camouflage trousers whose j-panese fighting dog had run amok on a swindon council estate;
a man from the record company who said that george michael continues to challenge social taboos through his music;
lisa riley;
continuity announcers introducing comedy shows;
a pub band who get uppity when everyone goes to the bar during a song they’ve written themselves;
a group of football fans referred to as commodores, as in once, twice, three times a season, who feed sugar lumps to police horses at cup finals;
an artist who said his next alb-m would be more “song-based”;
a man who informs people that he gets up at six am every morning and seemed to want a medal;
people who say they speak as they find and are somehow proud of it;
journalists who try to spell an interviewee’s laugh;
an organisation who declared an awareness week for awareness weeks;
and a council worker who dropped litter.
we’ll bring you more details as they emerge…

- half man half biscuit lyrics

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