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half man half biscuit - national shite day lyrics

pulling the ice axe from my leg
i staggered on
spindrift stinging my remaining eye

i finally managed to reach the station
only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down

after wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service
i walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
probably by a junior employee
disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal tvm
involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
stockard channing held sway

down in the high street somebody careered out of boots without due care or attention
i suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
i.e sidle out of the store gingerly
embrace the margin

fat kids with sausage rolls
poor sods conducting polls

there’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in millets

i try to put everything into perspective
set it against the scale of human suffering
and i thought of the mugabe government
and the children of the calcutta railways
this works for a while
but then i encounter primark fm
overhead a rainbow appears
in black and white

sh-te day
i guess this must be national sh-te day
this surely must be national sh-te day
don’t tell me, it’s national sh-te day

float… float on
float… float on
barry… herpes

i got a letter from stringy bob
still on suicide watch
screws not happy
spotted a marsh fritillary during -ssociation
was roundly ignored
what news you
i felt sorry for him
he’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
one of which saw him beachcombing the dee estuary
found a dead wading bird
took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant phil cool
with a note inside which read: “is this your sanderling?”

another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
“keyboard player required: doors, floyd, etc.
must be committed, no time wasters”
you can guess the rest

i always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
to be found months later
his carc-ss stripped by homeless dogs
his exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow

i folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
all of a sudden i felt brushed by the wings of something dark
may the lord have mercy on stringy bob

sh-te day
i do believe it’s national sh-te day
it all points to national sh-te day
someone’s declared it national sh-te day

sh-te day
my birthday! on national sh-te day
no bogroll, it’s national sh-te day
cue drumroll, it’s national sh-te day

- half man half biscuit lyrics

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