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haydn startzel - blood on my hands lyrics

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[verse 1]
if you hate me, know that i agree
seeds of blame sown, ’cause you’re not alone
who’s to say what’s fair, when you’re sittin’ there
drunk as h+ll up on my lap instead of on your chair

can’t say that you love me if you got a quart of bevvy
f+ckin’ with your words and tellin’ me of what you lovin’ of me
and if those words gotta be true then i must be lovin’ you too
but when i say it back i realize how much i f+cking hate you

no no no no that ain’t true, unless it’s 11:02
and i got more melly fuelin’ me than a college girl got booze
but is that the place to be makin’ choices? contigencies?
should i cut us off if the idea came to me at half past three?

i mean you were totally loose when you reunited our truce
and retied that tangled knot of an alcohol and blood+soaked noose
so if you were real floored when we restarted
then i must be able to end it when i’m up at four

[verse 2]
you were their all+star player, the most kickin’ hall of famer
good track athlete ’til you say you’re headed into the third layer
booze, weed, cocaine, shrooms, can’t admit that this is you
big, thick, ego too. things won’t change ’til i meet you

we could never be apart, watch the stars and smoke cigars
but vignettes of our time don’t heal the years of cerebral scars
decade after we first met, less nights spent out on the deck
no more stars and no more moons, eyes of blue stained with maroon

blood on the walls
in the shape of your palm
declinin’ your calls
three days later you’re gone

if i just texted you back
we’d’a gotten cheese and mac
you’d be cured for the week
one visit to end your streak and you’d be alive on your feet

[bridge]
did i k!ll us? did i k!ll you?
blood on my hands no matter who
i’m to blame for both that’s the truth

wish we still f+cked, wish you still called
can’t do either ’cause y’all awol
which is my fault not yours at all

f+cked if i don’t, f+cked if i do
don’t+don’t+don’t, do+do+do, us+us+us, you+you+you
she deleted all your voicemails
she+you she+you she+you, she+she+you you+you

same sh+t k!lls you and her, y’all gotta be the same ’cause you did it first
you did it first
you di+did it first

[outro]
because it’s hard for me to love myself
without you here
because the days are slow, but the years are fast
i wonder when, i’ll feel your smile

- haydn startzel lyrics

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