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jake thackray - leopold alcocks lyrics

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leopold alc-x, my distant relation,
came to my flat for a brief visitation.
he’s been here since february, d-mn and blast him!
my nerves and my furniture may not outlast him.

leopold alc-x is accident pr-ne,
he’s lost my bath-plug, he’s ruptured my telephone.
my antirrhinums, my motorbike, my sofa:
there isn’t anything he can’t trip over.

as he roams through my rooms, all my p-ssycats scatter,
my statuettes tremble, then plummet, then shatter.
my table-lamps tumble with grim regularity.
my cut gl-ss has crumbled – and so has my charity.

leopold alc-x, an uncanny creature,
he can’t take tea without some misadventure:
he looks up from his tea cup with a smirk on his
features
and a slice of my porcelain between his dentures.

he’s upset my goldfish, he’s jinxed my wisteria,
my budgie’s gone broody, my tortoise has hysteria.
he cleans my teapots, my saucepans, with br-sso
and leaves chocolate fingerprints on my pic-sso.

leopold alc-x, never known to fail,
working his way through my frail chippendales.
one blow from his thighs, which are fearsomely strong,
would easily fracture the wing of a swan.

i brought home my bird for some turkish moussaka.
up looms old leopold; i know when i’m knackered.
he spills the vino, the great eager beaver,
drenching her jump-suit and my joie de vivre.

leopold alc-x. stirring my spleen;
you are the grit in my life’s vaseline.
a pox on you alc-x! you’ve been here since feb’ry.
go home and leave me alone with my debris.

so leopold alc-x, my distant relation,
has gone away home after his visitation.
i glimpsed him waving bye-bye this last minute –
waving his hand with my door kn-b still in it.

- jake thackray lyrics

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