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jerry seinfeld - air travel - live (1998 broadhurst theatre) lyrics

the way you wanna setup your x-ray security is: you want the short heavy set woman at the front with the skin-tight uniform. that’s your first line of defense. you want those pants sprayed on. you want them so tight… the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open, you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life
then you got that other g*nius down at the other end, looking in the tv screen. this einstein has chosen to stand in front of x-rays 14 hours a day. as his profession. (imitates x-ray machine) vrrrr vrrrr vrrrr… he’s looking in the tv set. i always look in the tv set, i cannot make out one object. i don’t know what this guy is doing. it’s my own bags, i can’t understand one thing: “what was that ?”. he’s going “what is that, a hairdryer with a scope on it ?… that looks okay, keep it moving”. “some sort of bowling ball candle ? that’s fine, just… we don’t want to hold up the line, don’t hold up the line”
when i go in the bathroom at the airport, now i don’t know who designs and makes these decisions, but why is it that we’re not allowed to have an actual “twisted-on, twisted off” human-style faucet… in the bathroom ? is it too risky for the general public to be in charge… of the water flow ? they have to always put in those one-handed spring-loaded pain-in-the–ss alcatraz-style faucets ? do you know the ones i mean, when you gotta go “hey, i got a little water there ! oh oh, another couple drops !” what is it that they think we would do… if we could have the faucet ? just turn them all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes ?
“come on, the water’s on ! let’s go !!! i turned it on full blast !”
“you idiot, we’re business men, we’re gonna miss our plane !”
“who cares ? water !!!”
that’s what they think we’ll do
do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world ?! what do they think, that they have their little country out there ? “tuna sandwich, 13 dollars, that’s what we… tuna’s very rare, here
it’s all a tiny world in the airport, isn’t it ? there’s always that tiny table there, tiny computer, everyone’s in a little cramped seat, tiny food, tiny utensils, tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucets. so it’s “a small problem”, “gonna be a slight delay”, “we’re gonna be a little late”
then you get on the plane. the pilot’s always got to come on the p.a. system. give you his whole thing of what he’s gonna do… “and here’s how i’m gonna do it… i’m gonna take it up to 20 000. then i’m gonna make a left by chicago. then i’m gonna go south by…”. and we’re all back there going “yeah, fine… it’s… you know, just do whatever the h-ll you gotta do, i don’t know whatta h-ll is going on… just… end up where it says on the ticket, okay ? can you do that ?”
do i bother him, telling him what i’m doing, knocking on the c***pit door, “i’m having the peanuts now. yeah, that’s what we’re doing back here. i’m not gonna have them all now. i’m gonna have a few. i don’t wanna finish it because it’s such a big bag !”
then the stewardess has to come out, put on her little show… with the emergency equipment, this whole performance… that they go through. you know, one of them is behind the curtain, reading the script, and the other one comes out front and acts it out, you know. (singing) “we have seat-belts, oxygen masks and things for you to use…”
they show you how to use a seat-belt, in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965. “oh we lift up on the buckle, oh !!! i was trying to just break the metal apart ! i thought that’s how it works. i was going to attempt to tear the fabric part of the belt. i thought if i could just get it started…”
then she’s gotta close that first cl-ss curtain, you know. before it takes off, and they always give you that little look too “maybe if you’d worked a little harder… i wouldn’t have to do this” (imitates curtain being closed) vshhhhh
i’ll tell you what place i like in the plane, it’s that little bathroom. i go in there, even if i don’t have to go. i like it in there, that’s like your own little apartment on the plane. you go in there, you close the door, the light comes on after a second, it’s always like a little surprise party. i feel good in there. i feel like i look good in that mirror, too. is it me, am i crazy ? i think that’s a flattering mirror, in the airplane bathroom. i don’t know, it’s something with the lighting or something…
and they have so much equipment in that little place, virtually everything that you would have in a normal bathroom is in that teeny weenie tiny bathroom. including some things that n0body has. like the slot for used razor blades. have you seen this ? i have seen this in every single airplane bathroom i have ever been. who is shaving on the plane ?… first of all, and secondly, shaving so much that they’re using up razor blades, i mean… i just don’t know why they had to install that. “make sure that every bathroom… has a place, because they’re gonna be doing a lot of shaving. (laughs) i mean, is the wolfman flying in there or who’d… ? on the full moon, just goes (imitates wolfman) “aaarrrrr… click click click aaarrrr… click click click”

- jerry seinfeld lyrics

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