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jerry seinfeld - halloween lyrics

one thing i do like of being down there with the old
people is that it makes me feel like i’m little again,
like a little kid. and when you’re a kid, you can eat
amazing amounts of food. and all just candy, that’s all
i ate when i was a kid. the only thought i had, growing
up, was “get… candy”. that was my only thought, in my
brain, for the 10 years of human life. just get candy,
get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy, get candy.
family, friends, school, these were just obstacles in
the way of getting more candy. that’s why you had to
teach kids not to take candy from strangers, if they’re
playing in a playground. and they can barely understand
it.

“don’t…”

“no candy ?… from… strangers ? alright. candy,
strangers, no candy. alright, because otherwise i’m
taking the candy, anywhere i can get it”.

there’s such candy moron, idiot brains, “if this man
has candy i’m going with him, goodbye, don’t care what
happens to me. get candy, get candy, get candy”.

“no, don’t go, they’ll torture you, they’ll kidnap you
!”

“it doesn’t matter, he has an ‘oh henry’, i have to
take that chance. get candy, get candy, get candy”.

so the first time you hear the concept of halloween,
when you’re a kid, remember the first time you even
heard about it, it’s like… your brain can’t even…
“what is this ?! who’s giving out candy, someone’s
giving out candy ?! who is giving out this candy ?!
everyone that we know is just giving out candy ?!!! i
gotta be a part of this, take me with you, i wanna do
it, i’ll do anything that they want…!
i can wear that ! i’ll wear anything that i have to
wear. i’ll do anything i have to do. i will get the
candy from these fools ! that are so stupidly giving it
away”.

so the first couple of years i made my own costume.
they of course, sucked. ghost, hobo, no good. so i’m
begging the parents “you gotta get me one of the ones
from the store, the cardboard box, the cellophane top.
so one year, third year, finally got a superman
costume… not surprisingly. “mask included in the set
!”. remember the rubber band, on the back of that mask,
that was a quality item there, wasn’t it ? that was
good for about 10 seconds, before it snapped out of
that cheap little staple they put it in there with. the
thinnest grey rubber in the world. you go to your first
house “trick or -snap- it broke, i don’t believe it”.

“wait up, i gotta fix it, you guys. come on. wait up”.
that’s a kid thing, “wait up”. kids don’t want other
kids to wait, they must “wait up”. “would you wait up
?”. because when you’re little, life is up, you’re
growing up, everything is up. “wait up, hold up, shut
up !”. “ma, i’m all cleaned up !”. “let me stay up !”.

parents, of course, it’s just the opposite, “just calm
down !”. “slow down !”. “come down here, sit down, put
that down !”. “you are grounded !”. “keep it down in
there !”.

so i had my superman halloween costume, i was
physically ready, i was mentally prepared. and i
-ssumed, when i put this costume on, i would probably
look exactly like the superman i had come to know on
television and in the movies.

now you remember these costumes, it’s not exactly the
super-fit !… that you are hoping for ! you look more
like you’re wearing superman’s pajamas, it’s what you
look like. it’s all loose, and flowing… neck line
kinda comes down to about there… (laughs) and you got
that flimsy little ribbon string holding it together in
the back… of course my mother makes me wear my winter
coat over the costume anyway…!

“i don’t recall superman wearing a jacket”.

so you’re going out there, you know, and the mask keeps
breaking, so the rubber band keeps getting shorter, and
keeps making it tighter and tighter on your face… you
can’t even see… you’re trying to breathe through
that, remember that little hole, it gets all sweaty in
there (imitates very deep breath) …. …. …. and
the mask starts slicing into your eyeb-lls, “i can’t
see, i can’t breathe, but you gotta get the candy,
let’s keep going !”.

about a half-hour into it, you take that mask, “oh, the
h-ll with it !”. (imitates doorbell) “bing bong”, “it’s
me, gimme the candy !”. “i’m superman, look at the pant
legs, whatta h-ll is the difference !”

remember those last few halloweens, getting a little
too old for it. just kind of going through the motions.
“bing bong”, “come on lady, let’s go. halloween,
doorbells, candy, let’s pick up the pace in there”.

they come at the door, they always ask you those same
stupid questions:

“what are you supposed to be ?”

“i’m supposed to be done by now, you wanna move it
along, the three musketeers… ? i got 18 houses on
this block alone. you just hit the bag, we hit the
road, that’s the routine, let’s just pick it up”.

sometimes they gave you that little white bag, twisted
on the top, you know that’s gonna be some cr-p candy.
it’s gotta have those official halloween markings on
it. “hold it lady, wait a second, what is this, the
orange marshmallow shaped like a big peanut ? do me a
favour, you keep that one. yeah, we got all the door-
stops we need already, thank you very much. we’re going
for name candy only, this year”.

and i think about how i used to eat, when i was a kid.
i remember halloween i would get, you know, i would
have like a punch-bowl, and i would fill it with candy.
the top of it would be curved, that’s how much candy. i
would consume that entire punch-bowl, that night ! next
day, feel fantastic.

- jerry seinfeld lyrics

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