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joe glazer - ballad of richard nixon lyrics

[spoken intro]
“ike had a serious heart attack in his first term, and people were worried that the vice president, who was richard nixon, would become president. now, nixon had built a kind of a unsavory reputation, calling a lot of people communists, fellow travelers, and a lot of people had concerns that this guy shouldn’t be president. but there were others, pro+nixon guys, they said, ‘look, he’s been in office for four years as vice president. he’s learned a lot, and now he’s got experience, and he’s dropped a lot of his bad habits, and he’s really an experienced man.’ and one of the leading democrats, when he heard that, he said, ‘i don’t believe the office of vice president should be used as a reform school.'” (audience laughter)

[verse 1]
as a very young man, i was asked to run
for a congressman’s seat in washington
i called my opponent a pink and a red
it wasn’t true at all but i came out ahead

[chorus]
it wasn’t true at all but i won, you see
and now they say i’m ready for the presidency
it wasn’t true at all but he won, you see
and now they say he’s ready for the presidency

[verse 2]
well, next for the senate, i made my try
the very same tactics got me by
i conclusively demonstrated that it pays
to work in the gutters and the alleyways

[chorus]
and i worked in the gutter so insidiously
and now they say i’m ready for the presidency
he worked in the senate so insidiously
and now they say he’s ready for the presidency
[verse 3]
at the fifty+two convention of the gop
no paper or reporter took notice of me
so i switched my vote and i double+crossed warren
then i made every paper both domestic and foreign

[chorus]
and i’ve done my double+crossing so effectively
and now they say i’m ready for the presidency
he’s done his double+crossing so effectively
and now they say he’s ready for the presidency

[verse 4]
unfortunately, my enemies discovered
my special fund, which they gleefully uncovered
but i went on television, and i saved the day
with a little help from checkers, i explained it all away
(woof, woof!)
(audience laughter)

[chorus]
i explained it all away so logically
and now they say i’m ready for the presidency
he explained it all away so logically
that now they say he’s ready for the presidency
[verse 5]
all the columnists write how i’ve matured
from my youthful habits, they say i’m cured
i won’t use my axe, i quite agree
unless i find it’s absolutely necessary

[chorus]
and i’ve covered up my work successfully
and now they say i’m ready for the presidency
he’s covered up his work successfully
and now they say he’s ready for the presidency

[verse 6]
well, if you want to do as well as me
here’s a bit of advice, gratuitously
use plenty of mud and plenty of dirt
but be sure to wash your hands and be sure to clean your shirt

[chorus]
and if you wash your hands quite thoroughly
you too may be considered for the presidency
if you wash your hands quite thoroughly
you too may be considered for the presidency

- joe glazer lyrics

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