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john mulaney - christmas tips (documentary now version) lyrics

[intro]
[couple] h-llo, robbie!
[robbie] h-llo!

[verse 1]
welcome home, mr. and mrs
what is this? i’ll tell you, this is
just a package i’ve been holding
it’s addressed to mrs. goldstein
what a co-op, what a lobby
every slob is acting sn-bby
but you take a tip from robbie
you should tip your doorman

the holidays are merry
all the secrets that i carry
one slip of the lip is scary
’cause tomorrow you’re not married

[chorus 1]
i open the door, give kids high fives
one, two, three
i open the door and i watch your lives
and the things you do
so you better tip me
’cause i watch your lives

[verse 2]
mr. adams, mrs. eve
this is your gift, i do believe?
a tree planted in tel aviv?
for your marriage, i now grieve
you see only him and me know
back when you were getting chemo
that nurse who was filipino
got knocked up with a bambino
and he shipped them off to reno
and you should have tipped me better
at least 100 and a sweater
make it cashmere, there’s a letter
from the nurse that would upset her

[chorus 2]
i open the door, give kids high fives
one, two, three
i open the door and i watch your lives
your private lives
co-op, cooperate with me

- john mulaney lyrics

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