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john mulaney - holiday party (cocaine tonight) lyrics

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[anne, spoken]
hope to see you at our holiday party tonight, joe!

[joe, spoken]
holiday party? god, no!

[chorus line]
hark, the herald angels sing
glory to the newborn king
peace on earth, and mercy mild
god and sinners reconciled

[verse 1: joe]
if i’m being honest it was all very harrowing
when the invite came for an evening of caroling
i don’t like singing, i’m not much for conversation
and the combo of the two gave me such hesitation
i took a little something just to dull all the edges
either that or i was certain to be jumping off the ledges

i’m really quite sorry but i’m going to admit it
i’m really so sorry, if i could i would quit it
but the fact of the matter is i did a little cocaine tonight

[chorus line]
god rest ye merry gentlemen
let nothing you dismay
remember christ our savior
was born on christmas day

[verse 2: joe]
i’m trying to relax but instead i keep finding
that i’m sweating from my brow and my teeth won’t stop grinding
and my mouth is as dry as the sand of the sahara-y
so i miscalculated and i chugged down a sherry
the whole room is spinning and i want to take a knee
but instead i’ll sneak a b-mp as i hide behind the tree

i’m really very sorry that i can’t stop talking
i’m so very sorry for my chirping and my squawking
but the fact of the matter is i did a little cocaine tonight

[chorus line]
oh, come all ye faithful
joyful and trium–

[verse 3: joe]
things started reelin’, they kept getting realer
i started running low, so i called up my dealer
twenty minutes later, the apartment door was buzzin’
when my dealer came in, i said he was my cousin
i didn’t think it through, and i realized i’d been reckless
’cause my dealer is a stealer and he left with a necklace
i truly am regretting that i did a little cocaine tonight!

[bridge: joe]
oh man, here comes anne, she’s the athlete from 12g
she’s the knees, of the bees, always making eyes at me
it would seem such a dream if i asked her for a dance
but i just blew a rail and i’m gonna sh-t my pants!

[anne, simultaneous]
hey there joe, yes joe i know
i was just about to go
i’m partied out without a doubt, when it comes to singing i can do without
truth be told i have a cold, with a head like mine there’s no denying

[joe, simultaneous]
hey anne i’m joe, yes of course you know
i don’t know why i’m telling you so
i just got here and grabbed a beer, are people singing or is it clear?
you look stunning, is your nose running? i can get a tissue if it’s an issue

[together]
if i come clean don’t start a scene but in this moonlight you’re such a sight
that it just feels right to admit i did a little bit of cocaine tonight

[anne, spoken]
do you have more?

[joe, spoken]
i can get some!

- john mulaney lyrics

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