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jon stewart - message from a jew lyrics

hi people, this is jon stewart. you may know me as that guy who used to have that show, but is now six months away from doing an infomercial, purely for cash, because he’s a coke wh0re. oops!

um, at the urging of my good pals, kevin & bean, uh, well, maybe not urging, so much like blackmail, but i swear to god, dressed up, usually did, look like a girl. i mean, you know. kinda, anyway

i was supposed to come up with a recipe for their christmas tape “how the juice stole christmas.” but i got to be honest with you, the jews didn’t steal christmas, alright? when are you going to get over this savior k!lling thing? i had nothing to do with it, i was with my brother the whole day! ask around! actually, i was in my driveway practicing my golf swing, alright? so i didn’t k!ll your savior! that’s not my bl++dy yarmulke you found. not at all

alright, now here’s your holiday recipe, friends. it goes like this:
take a country filled mainly with christians, throw in a couple of jews that live in new york like me, add a bottle of scotch, and maybe a dash of bitterness, and what do you get? a sh+tty christmas, ladies and gentlemen, that’s right, jews hate christmas. you want to know why, because the rest of you people aren’t jews. while you’re out there celebrating the festive birth of your savior, we’re running around like assh0l+s because the oil lasted longer than we thought. that’s right, that’s what hanukkah is: a holiday about a bargain. we’re celebrating a bargain for eight f+ckin’ days. pathetic, right?

i tell you, people often ask me, “jon, what do jews do for christmas?” and the answer’s, of course, we sleep late, not a whole lot going on for us that day. or we work at 24+hour convenience stores, ‘cause you people wanted today off. and if i may, on the subject, maybe a quick point, could you maybe change some of the holiday programming you guys throw in there? how many months of the same show do we have to see? it always ends like this: “i don’t think there’s going to be a christmas!” “but wait,” gets a little redundant, how many times can i hear a guy, standing in front of his family, going, “i’m the luckiest guy in the world!”

all i’m saying people, let’s heal the wounds of this country. christian, jew, black, asian, even those funny, smelly people that drive the things. what we need to do is get together, and that’s my recipe this year. come to my house. bagel brunch. you bring the manischewitz, i’ll bring the dip

- jon stewart lyrics

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