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jon valley - the ballad of zack and jessica lyrics

now zack… he was… a high school dropout… but not the good kind, no…
not the kind with vision, babe… who knows where he wants to go…
and high school just kinda gets in the way… it kinda gets in the way….
and zack… yeah, he just didn’t like being told what to do…
and zackary… yeah, he thought he knew… more than everyone else… about just about everything…
he had managed to hide from even himself… the fact that smart people terrify him…
when placed in a corner he’d just puff out his chest… and let testosterone do the rest…
and hide behind his image as a bad bad boy… a bad bad boy… hey…
it’d carried him that far… and he thought it would make him a star… in life as it had with his friends…
and so he split the scene… to chase some undefined wet dream…
but it don’t work the same outside the coc–n… does it zacky boy?…
no, it don’t work the same outside the coc–n… now, does it zackary?…
what you gonna do now, zackary?… are you gonna party?
i said, hey, what you gonna do now, zackary? … you gonna party?…
hey zack, i said, what you gonna do now?… gonna stay up all night?… you gonna f-ck some p-ssy?…
smoke yourself some weed?… make somebody bleed?…
who doesn’t look at you with the right kind of respect?…
hey, zackary… what you gonna do now?
and in a haze of alcohol, and pot, and trouble with the law, and odd jobs…
zack had managed to shoot his wad into his woman…
enough times to make him a father twice over… by the time he was twenty…
not that there was a wedding ring… not that they stayed together…
and it was right around this time… that zack met jessica…
and jessica… sweet jessica… so pretty in her panties, yes…
was in the same boat as zackary… neither were intellectually blessed…
in their minds… in their minds…
she’d discovered at an early age… though it didn’t take no sage…
to know the boys found her quite interesting… yes, quite interesting indeed…
and the boys have needs… oh yes, the boys have needs… hungers to feed…
and when her t-ts started growing… and her gr-ss needed mowing…
and her private parts began to bleed…
they started sniffing around… they started sniffing around… ooooooh… they started sniffing around…
and jessica, she found… that she could get what she wanted from the boys who were haunted…
by her lovely young figure, yes… but the boys wanted something too…
there were things they wanted to do… things they thought about… every night…
and those boys poor mother’s plight… was to clean the sheets… that the boys did secrete…
the residue of said thoughts upon… either in their sleep… or by their own hands that did creep…
often, down below their own equator… if you know what i mean (spanking the monkey! )…
and you know what i mean (spanking the monkey! )…
and jessica… she started giving in… to the boys’ thoughts of abject sin…
at far too early of an age… at far too low number of a page…
in the book of her life… in the book of her life…
because you can only tease for so long… before the boys get frustrated and move on…
to more willing pastures, so to speak…. and she let them in deep…
and many beds were made to creak… (bed creaking in the backgrounds with s-xual moaning)…
by the p-ssing of these things… by the p-ssing of these things ((spoken) “i’m getting close jessica”)…
by the p-ssing of… these things ((spoken) “yeah… f-ck yeah! ”) (bed stops creaking at boy’s c-ming))…
good thing she was on the pill… because the boys like to get their thrills…
sans the glove… au natural… bare skin to warm cherry pie…
oh me, oh my… oh my…
now, i know what you’re thinking… (sl-t! )…
but jessica didn’t see it that way… she just thought she was giving what she had to offer to her man…
pleasing him… keeping him around…
one wonders if she’d think the same if she knew her current boyfriend roger…
was saying things to the other boys like, …
“you know, jessica and i only really get along when my d-ck is in her mouth”…
to hoots, and hollers, and high fives all around… sorry girls, but it’s true…
but in the summer just before her senior year… it became clear… to jessica…
that roger just wasn’t the one… to make her life fulfilled and fun…
and, anyway, he had his eye on other girls… and she was so tired of casting her relative pearls…
before relative swine… relative swine… relative swine…
rumors fly… tensions build… cold shoulders given… text messages filled…
with sarcasm, and angst, and verbal spanks… are shot at light speed through the air….
and it all came to a head… one night when roger wanted head…
and jessica thought they should talk instead… and they split apart at the seams…
in one of those teenage fights that seem… to mean so much at the time, but with the p-ssage of time…
just seems like a drama filled, hormone fuelled, idiot-fest… let’s go now…

old things fall apart and new things come… new things form when things come undone…
and the light of day will help you find your way… for better or for worst… for blessing or for curse…
find your way…

as for roger… well he’d soon find another high school girl’s mouth to get along with…
but jessica… she didn’t know it quite yet… but she was done with the high school boys…
and having just turned eighteen… and no longer being jail bait… she was… shall we say…
more open to mature audiences…
and fate… it was about to lend a hand… as two lines would converge on a nearby patch of land…
ole, my friends…. ole….
in the parking lot… of a taco restaurant … two future lovers were about to meet…
in the parking lot… of a taco restaurant … they would be as two cats in heat…
jessica was there with two of her friends… getting a little tipsy and… celebrating the end…
of her five month excursion into roger-ville… (good god)…
and mourning the end of her final high school summer…
zack was taking a break from topping burritos with sour cream…
to smoke a cigarette… after making a yellow stream…
and as he stepped out the back… he did spy a rack…
and he was so happy to discover… it belonged to a beautiful girl….
yeah, whose ready for some love?… because the love train is coming through… oh yeah…
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4…. from fifteen feet away their eyes did meet…
and sparks did fly however subtle and discrete… but sparks don’t equate with meeting… no, no, ah, ah…
though a window would open so fleeting…. as jessica was experiencing a moment quite lame…
as her lighter…. would not, could not make flame…
moments, of opportunity… aw, they come and they go…
like sands through the hourgl-ss… they move fast, not slow…
good thing for zack, who was pondering modes of attack…
he was as quick with a lighter and since he wanted to be inside her…
he made fast moves to give her… that which she most desired…
the gift of fire… which she tacitly accepted with an inhale, an exhale, and a smile…
while all the while… checking out the bulge in his pants….
(hotcha potcha borderlay, now, hotcha potcha borderlay… now, hotcha potcha borderlay,
now, hotcha potcha borderlay… now, hotcha potcha borderlay, now, hotcha potcha…)…
flattery… will get you everywhere… sometimes in this life…
and, as cheesy as it sounds, zack would lay down the line… “hey there, pretty eyes”…
and her friends… they thought he was being a little too bold…
but, jessica… she was quickly being sold… on the man in the uniform… who smelled a little too much…
like refried beans, and cheddar cheese, and sour cream, and taco meat… and things of this nature…
by some strange magic… zack had managed to parlay… his smoke break into a first date…
and they agreed to meet back there at ten… which just happened to be when…
his drudgery ended for the night…
jessica came back at the appointed hour… against her friends’ advice…
jessica came back… looking for love… but prepared for vice…
everybody knows that the bad bad boys will take you bad bad places…
but the girls who like the bad boys just like the bad boys…
and jessica, god help her… she liked the bad boys…
ha, cha cha cha cha…. yeah…
everybody… everybody… everybody… everybody… everybody… everybody knows…
everybody knows… that moths go to flame… that girls who like the bad boys…
gravitate to the same when they’re single… and jessica was single…
and zack… he was a bad bad boy… a bad bad boy… a bad bad boy…
hush… yeah… ah… oh… (like, i wonder how jessica’s date went)…
her friends had dropped her off… so he had the only car…
but for the first half hour… they did not make it far…
they sat talking in his car with an eye on the rear view mirror…
to make sure his boss wasn’t around while they discretely sipped beer…
that he kept on his backseat in a cooler nice and cold…
to numb his pain at the end of each day that he had sold… chunks of his youth…
precious morsels of his time…. down the faux mexican, fast food -ssembly line…
and somewhere in between tipsy… and too impaired to drive…
he suggested they pick up a pizza… and watch a movie back at his hive…
an apartment he shared with his best friend ricky…
who was just leaving as they arrived… after having just made sticky… with his girlfriend, betty ann…
(hey ricky! )… how you doin’ bro… you wouldn’t happen to be staying out late by any chance?…
because i kinda hope so…. i got you man… i got you… we dudes gotta stick together…
zack’s gonna get him some… ricky thought to himself…
i already had my fill tonight… so why not share the wealth… by gettin’ out of a brother’s way…
and after brief introductions and an acceptance of a slice…
zack and jessica were left to their own devices….
zack scanned the apartment because he wanted to make sure…
it was chick friendly enough for his chick de jour…
meaning he hoped there were no c-m rags to be found…
as ricky had a nasty habit of leaving them around… after he and betty ann had had their fun…
but it looked like they had cleaned up after they were done…
so he got out a bong… and they listened to some songs…
as they puffed on the magic dra-a-gon… oh yeah…
huffin’ and a puffin’… they went huffin’ and a puffin’…
huffin’ and a puffin’… they went huffin’ and a puffin’…
huff/puff… huff/puff… and it went a little something like this… yeah…
inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… they got stoned…
inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… they got stoned…
as they puffed on the magic dra-a-gon… as they puffed on the magic dra-a-gon…
then they cuddled on the couch to watch their movie…. feeling what the hippies used to call groovy…
and the evening, it, unfolded from there… a newly minted couple with hardly a care…
and that, my friends, is how these two met… did they have s-x that first night?… huh?… you bet!
what!… brown streaked tighty whities layin’ on the floor…
jessica’s p-ssy didn’t know what was in store… because zack really knew how to pound a hole…
tighty whities… on the floor… flesh torpedo… down the hoooooooooooole…

(spoken): now there are those that theorize that the reason that most men get so tired after s-x…
and just want to sleep… is that humans have evolved this way to facilitate the child rearing process…
namely… as was the case back in the cave man days…
so that the male didn’t just leave after -j-c-l-t–n…
there-bye … giving the female further opportunities to charm him into a lasting relationship…
through food, further s-x, and bl-w j-bs… so that if a child resulted from their sweaty deeds…
it would have a greater chance at survival… having two parents instead of just one…
to fend off saber tooth tiger attacks (saber tooth tiger snarls in the background)…
until the child was old enough… to fight off it’s own would-be saber tooth tiger predators…
and that… the mechanisms are still there deep within our genetic coding….
causing the tiredness that occurs in most male humans… after shooting their wad…

after the creaming… zack laid there dreaming… asleep and resting…
as jessica laid there fully awake… with thoughts of nesting…
a brand new world… had just opened up for her…
a brand new world… revealed in a night of p-ssionate blur…
a world without parents… a world without rules…
to insert herself into this world… jessica knew she had the tools…
to make zack her boyfriend and live here herself…

senior year was set to begin… senior year… she couldn’t remember when…
she was less enthused about an idea(r)… then she was about her… her senior year…
senior year!… seemed like such a drag… senior year!… how her father would nag….
if she still lived at home… instead of here… if she attended her senior year…

(spoken: tell us jessica, how does a barely legal young girl rationalize dropping out of high school?)…
huh?…
zack after all seemed to be doing o.k….
he was able just fine… to make his way… in this world… without… his high school diploma …
he got to party every night… drink himself into a coma… why couldn’t she… it seemed meant to be…
all she had to do was set herself free… from her… her senior year… her senior year…
(spoken: if only, zack was her boyfriend… but how could you make that happen so quickly jessica?)…
she developed herself a desperate plan… that would begin with the use of her mouth and hands…
she figured it would help to seal the deal… if when zack awoke… it was to the feel…
of her pretty young lips… polishing his n-b… if he awoke in the…
middle of a bl-w j-b… oh yeah… middle of a bl-w j-b… all right…
(spoken: that he’d lay back and think as she carried out the task…
that she knew how to please… why he didn’t even have to ask…
that it would be good… if she… was around… as he made animalistic soft moaning sounds…
(soft moaning sounds in the background))…
he was already coming to her conclusion… when a feeling arose that clarified all confusion…
a warm tickling… within his tip… the pressure built up until he thrust his hips… and she…
caught every drop… within her lips… as if it was mother’s milk upon which she sipped…
and zack… he was impressed… that she knew the rules to follow…
that mean girls spit… and nice girls swallow… (spoken: nice girls swallow… yeah! )…
ah…. oh…. ah… ah…ahhhhhhhhhhh!…
(spoken: and from that moment on… they were joined at the hip…
i mean, they started spending all of their time together… and within two weeks…
she had dropped out of high school and moved in with him… much to her father’s chagrin…
ricky didn’t seem to mind much… there were, after all, two bedrooms…
and he was thinking about asking betty ann to do the same thing…
in one felled swoop… jessica had managed to leap frog into a brand new life… a more fun life…
she had found her way out of the need for perseverance in favor of instant gratification…
needless to say… if jessica had been given the marshmallow test at an early age…
she probably wouldn’t have done very well… that, however is a subject for a different time…))…
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4…. and that’s how zack met jessica… and that’s how zack met jessica…
and that’s how zack met jessica-a-a-a-a… ha!… bravissimo!

- jon valley lyrics

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