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joseph horovitz - horrortorio lyrics

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[choir]
ha!

[narrator]
i was there on that delicious day
of gruesome nuptial bliss
when all that was sinister and vicious
was gathered to behold miss dracula

[choir]
dracula!

[narrator]
taking her twisted oath
beside that freak
that zombie, that unnatural growth
i speak of frankenstein

[choir]
frankenstein! frankenstein!

[narrator]
upon the wedding eve, to castle dracula there came
a motley crowd, each with a worthy name!

[choir]
the draculas prepare
to greet with loving care
each fiendish, ghoulish guest
who comes at their behest

[frankenstein’s son, dracula’s daughter, baroness frankenstein]
welcome, moriarty
welcome, fu manchu
welcome to our party
how do you do?

[baroness frankenstein]
the castle is filthy
the blood is all on ice
the babies all are frying
the vaults are stocked with vice

[choir]
welcome, moriarty
welcome, fu manchu
welcome to our party
how do you do?
ooh!

[dracula]
let all things nameless at our feast run wild
and for the nuptials of my only chee-ild
may virtue now be trampled and defiled

[choir]
in dracula’s great castle hall
the gifts were on display

[narrator]
never before had any ghoul
seen such a fine display
for there were racks and pinions
and half-dead minions
polluted soil
boiling oil
and fingers fried in several ways

[choir]
ways!

[narrator]
with sharp-fanged smile the young bride bowed
and thus addressed the cheerful crowd

[dracula’s daughter]
my heart is swelling, fellow fiends
it is the thought that counts
the tins of dehydrated blood
i’ll treasure every ounce

[choir]
she’ll treasure

[dracula’s daughter]
treasure!

[choir]
she’ll treasure

[dracula’s daughter]
treasure!

[choir]
she’ll treasure every ounce
she’ll treasure

[dracula’s daughter]
treasure!

[choir]
she’ll treasure

[dracula’s daughter]
treasure!

[choir]
she’ll treasure every ounce

[dracula’s daughter]
come ‘tecs and cops, come private eyes
to guard these priceless gifts
come holmes and watson in disguise
to stand in eight-hour shifts
with perry mason and maigret
rip kirby and james bond
and an army of teds
who have left their beds
to be under your command!

[narrator]
and while the company retired to a well-earned wake
count dracula in private echo chamber to his daughter spake

[dracula and male choir]
my child, be seated upon that plasmic chair
be seated, and now be still while i declare
the facts of death!
now we must have one of those chats
about the birds, about the bees
and about the bats

[narrator]
and in the castle guest room, haunted and creaking
old mother frankenstein was speaking
to her boy

[baroness frankenstein]
if you can hurt and not make pain your master
if you can k!ll and not make death your aim
if you can meet with horror and disaster
and treat these two amus-m-nts just the same
if you can fill each unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds’ worth of fiendish fun
yours is the earth and everyone that’s in it
and what’s more, you’ll be a zombie, son

[choir]
yours is the earth and everyone that’s in it
and what’s more, you’ll be a zombie, son
baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
yes sir, yes sir, three bags full
one for the master, one for the dame
and one for the little boy who lives down the lane

(spoken)
[narrator]
midnight. dracula, still in the gloom
of youth, spoke to her groom

(song)
[dracula’s daughter]
a wandering vampire i have been
but oh so foolish
to be a spinster ghoulish
i will do it no more
i will do it no more
a wandering vampire i have been
but oh!

[choir]
no more!

[frankenstein’s son]
when i was a lad i served a term
apprenticed to a zombie firm
i k!lled little orphans and their mothers-in-law
and polished off the owner of the big front door
i polished them off so carefullee
that dracula’s daughter is in love with me!

[soloists]
the bride, who looked quite decadent
came early in a he-rs-
and a smiling defrocked clergyman
bestowed the final curse

[narrator]
but at the reception
the guests became dreamier
some, with perception
saw it was anemia

[choir]
is there a donor in the house?

[narrator]
so farewell to the wedding, the honeymoon was h-ll
nine months later, a little thing was born
in queen charlotte’s hospital

[dracula’s daughter]
my little plasmic infant
my tiny pint-sized tot
blood is thicker than water
our love shall never clot
our love shall never clot

[dracula’s daughter and frankenstein’s son]
hushabye hushabye my darling

[dracula’s daughter]
i’m proud to call you my son

[dracula’s daughter and frankenstein’s son]
for you have, oh, sweet creation
two heads to daddy’s one
two heads to daddy’s one

- joseph horovitz lyrics

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