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juice rap news - rn25: net neutrality lyrics

[barack obama]
“to seize this moment, we have to ensure
free and full exchange of information
that starts with an open internet.”

[robert foster]
rap news is back through with fresh juice to inject
after reporting on wars, sports and militant threats
in distant states, the time has shifted hence
to focus on our own native homeland: the internet
join us as we flip the switch to the highest gear
and set our course towards one area of our hypersphere
the world-wide web. meet its inventor:
tim berners-lee

[sir tim berners-lee]
how are we?

[robert foster]
couldn’t be better!

[sir tim berners-lee]
as it should be!
the web is a wonderful forum for human interaction, open to all
sharing, blogging and vlogging, lolling and trolling in all forms
open source wikipedias; free media, and of course… p-rn!

[robert foster]
how does it all work so flawlessly well?

[sir tim berners-lee]
ahh… well, gather round boys and girls and hear the story i tell
from the days of its hypertext genesis in my next machine
the architecture of the net as we know it today
was built on a fundamental principle: net neutrality!
which states that all data must be treated equally

[robert foster]
and that means?

[sir tim berners-lee]
it means your isp has to let all content
get through the pipe connections at identical speed and momentum
whether it’s ebay or netflix, your home-made video or p-rn
none can step in, block, filter or slow it down

[robert foster]
we take this for granted

[sir tim berners-lee]
we do, and yet it is what made the internet so ‘cool’ and ‘epic’

[robert foster]
so all voices are treated the same under this system
whether they’re big business or some random nerd in a bedroom?

[sir tim berners-lee]
very good question!
come with me and let’s meet figures from both ends of that spectrum

[robert foster]
terrence moonseed!

[terrence moonseed]
robert, i’m honestly i’m in awe of this invention
the advent of the net is one of the most awesome events to
have ever taken place in all of history and it awoke me to the true conspiracies
that are hidden from us: chemtrails, ufos and reptilians!
through youtube i found gurus, like bashar, icke and jones
accrued my views of who truly runs the globe, monarch mind controls
and seen that we are not alone in the universe! and clearly
i’ve served humanity by spamming the net with my academic theories

[sir tim berners-lee]
zuckerberg?

[mark zuckerberg]
the f-ckin’ world should thank net neutrality
for giving me the capacity to start a company and immediately savagely
school, humiliate, clown, beat down
and righteously pwn the biggest players around town
‘cuz without a doubt without the clout of this protocol threaded tight
google couldn’t beat that pile of excrement, excite;
youtube couldn’t get ahead of google videos;
and i couldn’t create facebook and be the billionaire with most likes

[terrence moonseed]
…and without face-spook, i couldn’t have exposed the all-seeing eye
and spread the truth that his company is an illumin-z- darpa controlled spy
i’m working from the inside to crash it down

[mark zuckerberg]
and i’m crying all the way to my online bank account

[terrence moonseed]
yo people, know what: it might seem like a plot

[mark zuckerberg]
but believe it or not

[terrence moonseed]
even though he’s an evil sucker of beelzebub’s c-ck

[mark zuckerberg]
and he’s a tw-t

[terrence moonseed]
on the topic of neutrality being locked

[mark zuckerberg]
in this net that we’ve got

[terrence moonseed & mark zuckerberg]
we both agree that it’s got to be defended at all cost!

[robert foster]
i’m pleasantly shocked!
the internet unites even disparate parties to its cause!
well, that brings our world wide web tour to a close
good day to you all, join us again for more episodes

[william de berg (vericast)]
hoooooold up… whoah whoah whoah
wait a minute minute minute, boys and girls
allow me to introduce myself to the world:
i’m from vericast, telcom giant, freshly just merged
here to sell you the new interwebs to emerge

[robert foster]
and you are?

[william de berg (vericast)]
de berg… william de berg
business-man, and a business, man; any problem, i fix
i got ninety nine solutions to any given sitch
b-tches, my lekker elevator pitch
consists of smacking the f-ck out of jay-z in a lift

[robert foster]
uhm…

[william de berg (vericast)]
don’t be afraid. i illuminate you real quick
this complex babble of neutrality. i liberate you from this
you chinas like to stream flix, share your pics
play games, watch lots of clips…

[sir tim berners-lee]
and p-rn

[william de berg (vericast)]
kif
and now, bru, we have a new product to make
our service even more hi-tech

[robert foster]
you do?

[william de berg (vericast)]
ja and it’s fres
the internet that you’re used to is past tense
i bring you the future: the apartnet!

[robert foster]
the apartnet?

[william de berg (vericast)]
that is correct
based on an old south african tactic that was a success
it means a policy of separate internets:
with a super-fast zef highway that’s strictly for rich
b-tch clients who pay extra for it
and a slow-mo, super-sh-t narrow lame lane for… well, everyone else
check the effects…

[terrence moonseed]
thiiiis iiiis the aaaapoooocaaaalyyyypse

[mark zuckerberg]
taaaake myy mooooneeeeey, juuust maaaaake it stoooop pleeease!

[sir tim berners-lee]
this breaks the sacred principle of net neutrality!!

[william de berg (vericast)]
you break my b-lls, and the sacred principle of stacking money

[robert foster]
surely this policy will never receive approval from the fcc!
let us check with its new chairman and see…

[william de berg (fcc)]
howz’it, bra, how can i help you?

[robert foster]
wait… but you are…

[william de berg (fcc)]
committed to the internet, ja!
sure, i spent the past twenty years lobbying for vericast
but i’m pro net newtravesty… uh… neutrality. cross my heart
but sadly our hands are tied on this subject

[robert foster]
why’s that?

[william de berg (fcc)]
the court handed down a judgement

[robert foster]
well, then we should speak to the judges…

[william de berg (judge)]
at your service

[robert foster]
hang on a bit…

[william de berg (judge)]
in the case of vericast versus fcc, on the murder of net neutrality
we find the latter in breach of the free market economy

[william de berg (fcc)]
objection!

[william de berg (vericast)]
overruled!

[william de berg (judge)]
order order!
you can’t regulate broadband feeds
apartnet is legit. case closed

[robert foster]
uh… what does that even mean?
and who are you, really?

[william de berg]
ok, honestly:
we’ve been watching you net users constantly
and noticed that thanks to open net policies
you’ve raised your net consciousness promptly
but this anomaly has been horribly costly
weakening our monopoly on reality
so, apologies, but we have to abolish the key quality
which makes the net so empowering: neutrality

[sir tim berners-lee]
you’ll face the wrath of the online community!

[william de berg]
ha… let’s meet the average net user, shall we?

[average net user]
‘save net neutrality?’ sounds ghey lol hashtag:swag. selfie

[william de berg]
need i say more… hashtag: apathy

[robert foster]
we close this chapter on a note that’s ominous
but this battle is only just getting started with confidence
and it involves you and the entire populace
for like an ecosystem, the net, affects and connects all of us
all? well, not quite: the children of our future time
and two thirds of us today are still offline
can we ensure that the billions yet to connect
will inherit the benefits of a neutral, open internet?
history will be defined by the fate of the net
if you are here today, you can play a role in shaping it
for a start: head to this part of the web, give this page a cl!ck
and tell the fcc that you’re not going to take this sh-t
this report was brought to you via the internet
the most open, free network to appear in history yet
the price of such liberty, openness and privilege
dear netizens, is our eternal vigilance

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