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jxycee - the session lyrics

(verse 1)
now ever since i was kid i always felt different
when it came to s+xuality i explored more than other children
it got worse when i got a new phone
because i always shared pics of myself when i was alone
on kik all i wanted to do was bone
instead of playing outside with the cool kids all the time
i just stayed inside and i was online
now as a young child i knew what i’d become
i knew monogamy was for me who knew this would bе the outcome
when i’m singlе i’m a s+x addict for other people
and that hurts worse cause they just leave you
they ain’t ask for the sequel
now every morning i wake up at 5
but i gotta check out what’s new online
and phone’s dying
so i get up at 9
i don’t even bust nuts anymore
it’s not enjoyable no more
now i’m just a prude dude who secretly watches p+rno news
and is inches away from touching the noose
addicted to caboose
racing against the clock like i ain’t got time to lose
this type of confession ain’t for a radio station
but at the same time jxycee is the last thing they’ll be playing
i just hope after i admit this openly my parents and friends won’t lose their hope for me
and god knows in the future if anyone wants to know me
i open my ears i hear the angels ringing
i shed a tear to realize they’re my demons
way too many times have i ruined the mood
in a relationship i could never read the room
i never beg but i always ask for some nudes or some head
it’s my hyper fixation i don’t know what to do
now to all my exes i’m sorry for never seeming pleased
trust me i was i just never could be brief
i just loved you and wanted to see every inch of your body
not tryna gaslight anybody
i’m just tryna say sorry
adhd makes life feel like an unending party
especially when you’re dependent on somebody
f+ck you
(verse 2)
now let’s talk about my father
i got daddy issues with the one i got
it’s like he breaths to irritate me
he always makes me irate for his entertainment
it makes me feel like he hates me
he keeps dissing me and my sister for never visiting him unless it’s for thanksgiving
but i visit them every other sat+rday and sometimes sunday
it’s an off day
every argument always ended in parlay
lost count of times he screamed at me and physically beaten me
god i can’t even think of how insane i was
no brain with two legs i’m stuck
it’s like father wasn’t proud when i tucked m shirt and exhaustion
i think about this often
oftenly it plays a harp on my heart strings
making it harden as it grows darker
he always hits me until i awkwardly scream
claims he’s teaching me a lesson
but the only lesson i’m learning is i need to cop a smith and wesson at four in the mornin’
he says i should be greatful i got a home wih him and a roof under my head
but how can a young boy be awake when h’s scared to be out of bed
be afraid of honesty and what else he’s about to send
my mom told me to ignore him and to ignor the things he’s said
but it’s hard to do that when he’s always in my f+cking head
i guess that’s where i got that negative side of me a bad impact
act like everything is repetitive a missed track
every plan gone bad need sedatives fast ans relapse
i can’t recall it all leads back to him
every time we speak it’s like i’m walking on eggsh+lls
kinda ironic when i was a kid step mom made life a living h+ll
but all is well now it’s like her and dad switched positions fast
and father wants to show up last
there’s so much sh+t he owes me
he acts like he owns me
but the second he needs a favor he metaphorically blows me
next day he doesn’t wanna know me
it breaks my heart that my father never told me he’s proud
or if he even loves me
that’s why i’m so down i don’t think he ever hugged me
recent memories at the least
decent accessories to feed my beliefs
never bought shampoo for my reliefs
in a few weeks i’ll try another asking
then he hits me for taking too many chances
that’s why now i never buy new socks or briefs
it feels like he grabs me by my throat and chokes me
as if he’s never done that before let’s not go down that road
i fear for my two younger brothers
i know we’ll always love one another
i feel like they’re brainwashing them to hate me to a certain extent
and if that day comes i’ll be sure to go to bed
permanently put my soul to rest
love’s always a test
but it’s hard to feel loved when they constantly ask for rent
when i ain’t even a teen yet
i feel like every time i’m asked for health i do t for wealth and a profit
because father only cared about himself yet i never bought it
they made it seem like money was literally everything
as if there ain’t no time to waste
a capitalist society to him it don’t seem great
it’s why i’m never optimistic
how it always blow it
when i have a bad b+tch i’m too negative for em
i put the blame on my father but i’m also the on who’s responsible
i’m just glad his daughter made her big life real possible
living big in san diego
on the way to the top
no living in a winnebago i know she’ll never flop
and i’ll never stop because i know i’m a product of destruction
i’m the greatest of all time i make the assumptions
c+nt b+tch
(verse 3)
now it may seem i’m putting a noose over my head saying this
but i’m gonna vent learn from my mistakes instead
i groomed my last ex it was poorly timed
i was 17 and she was 14
don’t take my relationship advice
i don’t like young girls like i’m elvis
honestly i think i was just selfish
because i thought she was my daydream my one and only love
but i should’ve closed it the day i grew up at 18
i gotta say i’m really ashamed that it ain’t what it seems it was something i couldn’t solve
we kept going for years and we both knew this was wrong
it got to the point where she had so much pain crying at night at the thought of my name
i didn’t mean to groom her but in her eyes i did
it’s just facts and it is what it is
now i see i was always the bad guy
because when i look back i noticed i took them for granted
to be truthful they gave me a grand full of chances
it took the thousandth time before they’ve finally had it
only a handful of them weren’t matches
all the magic was gone and we were both holding in our feelings
origins of our bond we really was just children
but you were more mature than me even on twitter
i robbed her of her youth to tell the truth i restricted her
i b+tched and moaned about tattoos and certain septum’s i didn’t want nothing to do with it
i was so close minded it’s hard to find a good line when i was never right to begin with
i also cried every time there was an argument
was always exhausted and worried about breaking up
i became paranoid often i would never show up
to our late night calls i’d leave her alone
now at the end i’m begging to pick up the phone
just want someone to hold
i always played victim and i apologize for the fact
that me in your eyes is a bad man
but i hope you know that i finally understand that it was never gonna work strictly cause of our past
and i wanna let you know that i’ll always forgive you
even when you don’t owe an apology i’d say i’m doing great
i’m starting to learn my psychology and i moved to a new state
planning on new technology on my own estate
i own that sh+t like i do with my mistakes
when i’m in tough times i just cross my legs and i pray
but how are you doing that’s the number one question on my mind?
gotta say i still think about you time to time
i know you’re doing fine but still i feel like we could be friends
but i understand if you think i’m too on the deep end
to have any type of sequence
now i remember how i felt on a deepen
it depends if i repent of all of my sins
it don’t matter if we’ll never be together again
i’m just happy with the fact that i knew you
now i’m seeing better favorite color still blue
i’m also glad you’re free every choice is yours to choose
(hook)
no one knows who i really am
not my mom grandma or nan
my stepdad cousin brother or sister sam
only i really know who i am
finally time to start reflecting
life’s been nothing but hectic
i promise my life felt like a parody
i wish i could put it in a recession
felt like no one wants to marry me at my own reception
i swear to god i’ll get jeremy and i’ll call in the reverend
i’m speaking my truth in my therapy session
now i just manifest
put myself to the test
if i’m ready and strong to defy it yes
ready to right my wrongs so i can define it best
i feel so devine; like i got an s on my chest
finally i feel my soul isn’t to death
love privacy but my heart’s still in the west
virally i know i can take it
lyrically i know i can break it
sorta like how i broke down making this song
i hope i didn’t make you turn your sound down waiting too long
as i crack a smile and hope the pain will go along
thank you for following me and listening to this marathon
sorry it took a while to make a song talking about my feelings
i was never comfortable barking about my inner villains
matter of fact i wrote it delivered it with some chillings
i don’t know what it is but i could never say it out loud
but ma look at me now
still tearing up a little bit
but it is what it is

(outro)
no one knows who i really am
not my mom grandma or nan
my stepdad cousin brother or sister sam

- jxycee lyrics

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