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joanna newsom – in california lyrics

my heart became a drunken runt
on the day i sunk in this shunt,
to tap me clean
of all the wonder
and the sorrow i have seen,
since i left my home:

my home, on the old milk lake,
where the darkness does fall so fast,
it feels like some kind of mistake
(just like they told you it would;
just like the tulgeywood).

when i came into my land,
i did not understand:
neither dry rot, nor the burn pile,
nor the bark-beetle, nor the dry well,
nor the black bear.

but there is another,
who is a little older.
when i broke my bone,
he carried me up from the riverside.

to spend my life
in spitting-distance
of the love that i have known,
i must stay here, in an endless eventide.

and if you come and see me,
you will upset the order.
you cannot come and see me,
for i set myself apart.
but when you come and see me,
in california,
you cross the border of my heart.

well, i have sown untidy furrows
across my soul,
but i am still a coward,
content to see my garden grow
so sweet & full
of someone else’s flowers.

but sometimes
i can almost feel the power.
sometimes i am so in love with you
(like a little clock
that trembles on the edge of the hour,
only ever calling out “cuckoo, cuckoo”).

when i called you,
you, little one,
in a bad way,
did you love me?
do you spite me?
time will tell if i can be well,
and rise to meet you rightly.
while, moving across my land,
brandishing themselves
like a burning branch,
advance the tallow-colored,
walleyed deer,
quiet as gondoliers,
while i wait all night, for you,
in california,
watching the fox pick off my goldfish
from their sorry, golden state–
and i am no longer
afraid of anything, save
the life that, here, awaits.

i don’t belong to anyone.
my heart is heavy as an oil drum.
and i don’t want to be alone.
my heart is yellow as an ear of corn,
and i have torn my soul apart, from
pulling artlessly with fool commands.

some nights
i just never go to sleep at all,
and i stand,
shaking in my doorway like a sentinel,
all alone,
bracing like the bow upon a ship,
and fully abandoning
any thought of anywhere
but home,
my home.
sometimes i can almost feel the power.
and i do love you.
is it only timing,
that has made it such a dark hour,
only ever chiming out,
“cuckoo, cuckoo”?

my heart, i wear you down, i know.
gotta think straight,
keep a clean plate;
keep from wearing down.
if i lose my head,
just where am i going to lay it?

(for it has half-ruined me,
to be hanging around,
here, among the daphne,
blooming out of the big brown;
i am native to it, but i’m overgrown.
i have choked my roots
on the earth, as rich as roe,
here,
down in california.)

- joanna newsom lyrics

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