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kaden mackay - i hate auditioning for musicals lyrics

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it’s wednesday
halfway through the week
you feel weak, you can’t speak
and you wonder
if you’ll do alright

[spoken]
it’s audition night

+long, tired, dramatic groan+

[sung]

i hate auditioning for musicals
i hate to stand and sing what i’ve rehe+rs+d
i hate auditioning for anything
but musicals, of anything, are worse!

i hate the paperwork and
hate to dance
when people sit and
judge your every move

i forgot my headshot
and i’m wearing stupid pants
i guess you’d say today
threw off my groove!
waiting in line ’till your number is read
when they call (forty two!)
you wish you could be dead!

and as you’re walking so slowly through the door
you might trip and thеn slip to the floor
and then poof! you can’t dance anymorе
’cause a tendon just tore!

i hate auditioning for musicals
the stress is at two thousand out of+ five
directors scare me even
when they’re nice
and if they’re scary, bury me alive!

i hate my monologue and
hate my song
i should’ve chosen anything but these!
one minute’s not enough and yet
it’s much too long
i think i lost feeling in both knees!

it’s friday
you can’t say a thing
when you hear your phone ring
and your friend’s words
give you a heart attack
[spoken]
you got a call back

[sung]
i hate the callbacks for a musical
is casual or classy best to wear?
do i get there early or just, slightly late?
wait
you wanna take my place? (hm) that’s fair

i hate cold+readings
and my throat is raw
from singing ’till my vision slightly blurred
i need a water bottle, tylenol and a sarcophagus
before i say or sing another word

everyone else seems so patient
and sane
as for you, your nerves are corroding your brain
you wonder if you are being too shy
or nightmarish, or dare+ish, or dry
and you finally ask yourself why
why do i even try?

i hate the callbacks for a musical
i never know exactly what to think
i hate to stand upon a boat of hope
for when i see the list, that boat might sink!
i hate my fingers
and i hate my legs, which quiver
like a river
lit on.. fire
i think i’m finally done with musicals
that’s it, i quit, i’m going to join choir!

[spoken]
and even if you get in, you’re still not safe

think of all the things that could possibly go wrong, like the backing track could cut out in the middle of the+

okay, it’s not funny

(less audibly said+) you’re not funny

[sung]
you could get terrible reviews
or mono+(????????)
or you could mess up all your cues
because you could choose to slip and nappin’
’cause you’re sitting in the green room
and it’s tricky+treaky track there
’cause no one ever knows what’s going
when you’re back there

the show could go so poorly
that a person throws an egg
or you could do the unimaginable
and actually break a leg

so you’re cast into a cast
while the cast has to master a new dance daily
but your leg is now in plaster
so you can’t move any faster
than your garden variety snail either that
or you try to do a pivot turn and fall right on your tail
but the set was not quite finished so you landed on a nail
and+

[spoken]

waitwaitwait wait. go back+
did i say ‘garden variety snail’?
are there other varieties of snail besides ‘garden variety’?
i don’t even know why it even matters. anyway+

[sung]

what if you fail to meet a quota
or just fall right off the stage?
or use pen in whatever you wrote in
and now (?? ?? ??) on the pages
of your script

which the director saw
and flipped into a rage
and they’re making you pay for the damages
even though you don’t make minimum wage

and those scripts are extremely expensive and i don’t know why

it’s sat+rday
the last day of the week
you feel weak, you can’t speak
’cause you saw the list and begin to grin

[spoken]
you got in

three months later

[sung]
i hate cast parties after musicals
the people, and the music and the food
i leave three minutes after i arrive
even if my leaving might be rude

i hate the process of a musical
auditions, callbacks to practices and shows
musicals are nothing but a stressful mess
i’m quite surprised anybody goes
to see them
those people onstage don’t feed them
if your kids want to join, please free them
tell them nooooo
never audition for a show

[spoken]
just don’t

- kaden mackay lyrics

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