livingston taylor - railroad bill lyrics
now railroad bill was a hard living man
he used to take his women two at a time
and everyone agreed he was the baddest engineer
to ever motor down the santa fe line
his name was known from the folks back home
to the tippy top of telegraph hill
and all the little boys when they were sneaking cigarettes
would dream of the railroad bill
well one day bill was walking along
and he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
when he saw what’s the matter he ran to get a ladder
to set that kitty cat free
bill said no, ain’t gonna do it
ain’t gonna climb no tree
this is a stupid song and no folk singer’s
gonna make a fool outta me
i said one day bill was walking along
and he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
when he saw what’s the matter he ran to get a ladder
to set that kitty cat free
bill said no, ain’t gonna do it
ain’t gonna do what you said
this is a stupid stupid song and as far as i’m concerned
that cat can stay there till it’s dead
i said wait a minute bill, you can’t argue with me
for god’s sake i just made you up
i got the pen in my hand, i want you up in that tree
i want that cat unstuck
no, no i hate cats
i ain’t gonna climb for no cat
perhaps i could rescue a beautiful woman
who’s been tied down on the railroad track?
i said maybe there’ll be room in the 8th or 9th verse
but right now i want you up in that tree
i’m the writer, god d+mn, i got the pen in my hand
and you’re supposed to listen to me
he said you assh0l+!
why should i listen to you, you should listen to me instead
i’m a railroad man and if i were real
i’d separate your face from your head
you ungrateful brute, i cried, you pushed me too far
i gotta show you i can do as i please
so an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
and it brought railroad bill to his knees
a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked and
bill was almost completely washed away
and then a big green monster from the planet neptune landed
and bit railroad bill on the leg
i got the pen in my hand!
i can do what i want
i’m a bright young talent on the rise
so get your ass up that tree or i swear you ain’t gonna
get out of my folk song alive
he said you don’t scare me
you might be funny, but you don’t scare me
and if you don’t leave me alone i’m gonna tell everybody
where you stole this melody
but before he could speak, his tongue fell out
and he could not make a sound
suddenly he jumped on top of me and grabbed me by the neck
and pulled me to the ground
and he hit me in the stomach
and he hit me in the face real hard
i think he almost broke my nose
just then a lightning bolt came outta the middle of nowhere
hit him right between the eyes and k!lled him instantly
the cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk
went to sleep for the night
railroad bill is survived by a wife and three children
dear god, i love to write…
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