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madd hatter - pendemic lyrics

[intro: madd hatter]
yo
it’s hard out here
it’s hard out here for me
i don’t get to make choices, make decisions
i’m just a pen
i’m just a f-cking pen
yo

[verse 1: madd hatter]
i spent a lot o’ days in a motel, i’m talkin’ holidays
all defaced, get bent outta shape whenever i’m misplaced
in phone books and bibles, next to digits and addresses
always rest on desktops while guests rock padded mattresses (the f-ck?)
f-ckin’ savages, what am i a m-s-ch-st?
did some time in minneapolis in manufactured packages
sometimes on nights of vacancy, i make believe
that i can take the heat, play for keeps
anything i need to leave myself at bay
while i wait impatiently ’til the room’s no longer taken
see no one, but outside hear someone
that’s fumbling with the brazen key
then blatantly he enters stumblin’ toward the desk where i be
snidely grinning while extending his arm feeling to find me
then my mind “clicks on” and blinds me
from the liquor beside me
while he’s downing gin and hennessy
drowning in his memories
violent kind of tendencies
seems that life ain’t never gave him nothin’ but lemon trees
these enemies, got me fiendin’ for the motherf-ckin’ end of me
wait – where’s he sending me?
met this flat-chested loose leaf out by the lobby pool
she’s talkin’ ‘bout how “college ruled.”
in retrospect, i’d tell myself to not be fooled
illiterate to his intentions, blinded by her nature
had i read between the lines, i could’ve saved her
way before his actions p-ssed the margin of acceptable behavior
it still beats me up inside the way she let him, naively
brush my tip against her surface, then penetrate deeply
virgin body polluted as he gave her my fluid
giving birth to cursed words that remain deep-rooted

[verse 2: madd hatter]
has it ever occurred you ain’t the first person on earth
(first person on earth)
to find yourself immersed in a world full of hurt
(world full of hurt)
hate to burst your bubble, you ain’t have it the worst now (nope)
clearly, you can’t hear me, still, i gotta drop a verse
(i gotta drop a verse)
i’m more cursed for certain, see you don’t know what hurtin’ is
your pain is only temporary, mine’s a life of permanence
wite out’s like make up, only covers the marks
underneath the scars are causin’ all these horrible
thoughts and wants and needs that leave me stressed
no need to question me if i seem depressed
left to guess what i must deal with next
how the f-ck am i supposed to amount to this?
in your hand, i’m a vegetable ‘cause your cowardice
keeps me locked down, confound under house arrest
how i’m powerless, tightened grip of your fist flicking
inscribing as i’m guided by your writhing wrist

[verse 3]
to my wife and kids
by now you’ve probably heard the worst yet y’all managed to live
wish that i could’ve done the same but, yo, it is what it is
so it goes, where one life ends, another begins (i’m sorry)
i hate ya have to see me like this: stricken with blindness concerned only by how inconvenient my fight is
i suppose thinking suicide’s a victimless crime is
kind of biased
but tragic sh-t’s been a reoccurring habit of mine since
those nights i’d shout for silence (shut up)
screaming in agony
holding my head, blaming my sinuses on migraines
(shut the f-ck, shut the f-ck up)
maybe my shyness is to blame for why i hide things
isolated nature, tidal wave behavior
and my mind is fixed on self-inflicted violence, i’m in danger
not at my finest behavior, you could say
every day feeling more like a stranger
just know that you’re in no way to blame for my condition
this was all my decision to no longer be living
better than this life that all too often feels like f-ckin’ prison
wishing it wasn’t too late
pills pump through my system, i envision madi’s cute face
repetition’s second victim, questioning his due date
expeditions left to p-ss, that lonely street that few take
oo, wait
now little madison don’t need to know what’s happenin’
just say i had an accident
teach our daughter ’bout that place called heaven that her dad is in
when i’m gone, don’t mourn ‘cause i’ll be with you in the form of whatever makes you happy
h-ll yeah, i’m with you even when you’re feeling cr-ppy
selfish act that i’ve committed, i’ll admit it
sittin’ thinkin’ ’bout it now makes me feel wicked
stricken with shame like a victim
what if others think i’m lame like a chicken?
sh-t, my state of mind before was packed up like a suitcase with certainty
but now it’s tied up like a f-cking shoelace and hurting me
i think that i sh–sh-sh-shhhhhhhhh—

- madd hatter lyrics

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