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mantisthemiasma - harmed & cancerous lyrics

[verse 1]
i don’t have friends, i have people that put up with me/
they sit there all annoyed because they’re reading my sad f-ckery
dealing with me out of pity, they don’t feel a thing
i get it, even the king wants to k!ll the king
sh-t, i asked that guy for a verse
we were talking ’bout it then he stopped, i guess thats my curse
’cause when it comes to sh-t like that i know he’s not first
keeps on happening, but its never gets easy, gets worse
this is barely business to me, i want some friends
but before i even start it seems i reach a dead end
i make music and ask questions, guess that i’m a leech
and my messages incessant because they don’t ever speak
i’m just tryna learn, form bonds, get some critique
i don’t really need sh-t from you, just be real and it’s peachy
i don’t need a feature, in fact i’ve rarely asked
so you think i’m tryna use you? get your head out your -ss
i’m just being real not tryna put these guys on blast
because it is what it is, maybe karma for my past
since when i was a kid i treated people like nothing
but before that point most did the same to me so i’m buggin’
i know you can be busy and that we ain’t super close
but i still hate feeling like i’m just something to be disposed
ill-strates to me that you just think you’re the illest
and i’m a pesky beggar with no money or feelings
i’m not tryna paint any of these guys as villians
and i’m no comic hero, i just laugh when my pills in
balancing my chemicals, doc gave me prescriptions
told him i think all affection for me is a fiction
i’m a practiced master of the art of self destruction
i use blood, cash, sweat, and tears on these productions
all i ask for is advice and make some conversation
guess that’s too far so i lose my confidence and patience
collabs started and died, i guess its ashes to ashes
no order to this industry, it’s all just lies and bashes
they tell me that i’m young and that i’m uneducated
reading books is needed man, that’s all that you’re saying
no mention of my songs lyrics, doubt that you played it
somehow those who struggle matter less when you’ve made it
can’t bother with their efforts when your own grind predated
and you know you needed help, yet you still leave them waiting
can’t pretend to understand why you ain’t elevating
seems you think your dreams were always meant to be fated
just some 4 minute songs and your thoughts won’t take long/
yet you give shallow impressions like you haven’t played one/
my ambition’s on thin ice, no roman josi, this ain’t hockey
i’m no pro, i don’t need green, not tryna be that c-cky
i just wanted some advice but life’s unfair and so are humans
but i don’t intend to quit, that’s why the b-ss still boomin’

[hook]
f-ck being armed and dangerous
im feeling harmed and cancerous
f-ck being armed and dangerous
im feeling harmed and cancerous
(thats why the b-ss still boomin’)

[verse 2]
people leaving since i was in a womb, locked in
‘posed to have a twin but they made mom their coffin
wonder if before i had a brain my instincts k!lled ’em
and if i took their place, how their life(story) would have built up
kinda feel guilty, kinda feel like a felon
feel like they’d do better in the circ-mstance i fell in
feel if they were here, we’d both have better fates
because they’d have life and i could talk instead of contemplate
elementary had few friends, and most turned into bullies
heart strings always feeling tension like they’re part of pullies
most the time was drifting tryna find a place to fit in
found some spots just to get left all by myself and sitting
i remember back in 3 when kids would run away from me
say it’s games and their my friends
but never really played with me
bring new kids into the group and they’re all pointing making jokes
taught the ropes and left me out, left once i lost f-cking hope
middle school was war zone, man
must’ve been the hormones, man
just remember boiling blood and beating in my torso man
people call me names when i walk into cl-ss with notes in hand
rocking long hair and a jacket, looking like a homeless man
fighting with supposed friends, throwing punches, trashing lunch
always stuck in arguments, always yell over a bunch
always just some stupid sh-t and bystanders would get pulled in
girls say that i’m rude and ugly, i can’t disagree with them
girls think that i’m into them but they’re not even thoughts of mine
i’m just tryna make some friends
but that sh-t’s creepy, cross the line
never got no explanations, just got insults thrown my way
if it wasn’t for my parents, i would throw this phone away
moved into the boondocks, but i’ll never be a freeman
get riled up when people speak, i turned into a demon
push away most everyone because of everything before
even months along the line, the pasts a thing i can’t ignore
freshman year i’m hanging with my ride or die outsiders
soph0m-re year i got a friend who helps me break dividers
slowly start to open up and make some new connections
soon enough from my brains depth rise up my imperfections
i’m obsessive, i’m depressive, i’m aggressive, i’m possessive
and i got a clean-up crew of goons to help me fix my messes
but i lose my sense of self, off the deep end, i’m dependent
then i’m popping sleeping pills until i reach the gates of heaven
honestly i don’t deserve the hills of mount olympus
i should be in abbadon or other pits for awful misfits
’cause somewhere i got selfish
and pushed away the ones who cared
just my stream of consciousness enough to get most people scared
graduated high school on the brink of d-mn insanity
went to ucla to grow but had to leave my family
didn’t know that meant that we would barely ever talk
not through text, not on phone, think the doors been locked
outside, alone, stuck in rain, plus all my friends did the same
and most the people here i can’t relate to, just too different brains
maybe having friends just isn’t something meant for me
but the people left say i just need to find the recipe
i’ve been here for like a decade, guess i don’t search hard enough
guess my struggles aren’t sh-t
because you don’t know where i’m from
and you had some basic problems so you think that its the same
choose at 12 to leave your mom and brother
then you’ll feel some pain
you don’t know regrets and doubt and isolation quite like me
listen to this album and you’ll get an abridged summary
this can’t scratch the surface i got too much flowing constantly
19 years and going, deaths the only thing that’s stopping me
messaged no one first the other day just as a test
’bout what i expected, i got 3 people at best
that’s family, that’s old friends, and that’s college people too
guess they’re busy or they hate me as much as i do

- mantisthemiasma lyrics

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