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marc shaiman - (the legend of) miss baltimore crabs lyrics

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velma
front step
cha cha cha
back step
cha cha cha
side step
front step
back
and turn

tracy
oh my god penny there’s link! link.
i can’t believe i’m really here auditioning

penny
i cant believe i’m really here watching you audition

velma
front step
cha
back step
cha
side step
front step
back
and oh amber look at this motley crew
oh this town has certainly gone down hill since i was crowned miss

amber
oh mother no more ancient history

velma
oh my god how times have changed
these girls must be blind or completely deranged
but times seem to halt when i was miss baltimore crabs
amber! that move is far too dirty

amber
mother wake up from that dream of yours
this isn’t 1930

velma
you can laugh but life’s a test
don’t do this don’t do that
remember mother knows best
and the crowns in the vault
from when i won miss baltimore crabs

amber
these steps are perfect ammunition

velma
let me show you how your mommy dear took out the compet-tion
girls go get them
boys let rumba
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
those poor runner ups might still hold some grudges
they padded their cups
but i screwed the judges
those brawds thought they’d win
if a plate they would spin in there dance
ah not a chance
boys put me down
oh good morning ladies
let’s see what you got

ensemble
twist twist twist twist
mashed potato
mambo

velma
ready begin
on my show you’ll never find
a thrusting hip or b-mp and grind

amber
what’s that a dance for flees and ticks

velma
oh you should have seen my bag of tricks
oh i hit the stage batons ablaze
while belting aita and preparing soufflés
but that triple somersault is how i clinched miss baltimore crabs
proceed

louann
are you scared we’re on live?

tracy
no i’m sure i can cope

ensemble
well this show isn’t broadcasted… cinemascope!

velma
i never drank one chocolate malt
no deserts for miss baltimore crabs

amber
this one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes

velma
ha! kid she’ll never get a date until daddy buys her a new nose
i would say oy gavault if i wasn’t miss baltimore crabs

amber
do you dance like you dress?

link
amber there’s no reason to be cruel

velma
would you swim in an integrated pool?

tracy
i sure would! i’m all for integration
it’s the new frontier

velma
not in baltimore it isn’t
and may i be frank
first impressions can be tough
and when i saw you i knew it
if your size weren’t enough
your last answer just blew it
and so my dear so short and stout
you’ll never be in so we’re kicking you out
with your form and your face
ah it isn’t your fault
you’re just down with a case of miss baltimore crabs
ugh you may go

tracy
um thank you

penny
i think they secretly liked you

lil inez
may i please audition?

velma
ha of course not but you may bow and exalt
because i am miss baltimore crabs

- marc shaiman lyrics

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