marcel proust - flight of albertine(chap. 3) lyrics
chapter three
flight of albertine
seeing how late it was, and fearing that albertine might be growing impatient, i asked brichot, as we left the verdurins’ party, to be so kind as to drop me at my door. my carriage would then take him home. he congratulated me upon going straight home like this (unaware that a girl was waiting for me in the house), and upon ending so early, and so wisely, an evening of which, on the contrary, all that i had done was to postpone the actual beginning. then he spoke to me about m. de charlus. the latter would doubtless have been stupefied had he heard the professor, who was so kind to him, the professor who always -ssured him: “i never repeat anything,” speaking of him and of his life without the slightest reserve. and brichot’s indignant amazement would perhaps have been no less sincere if m. de charlus had said to him: “i am told that you have been speaking evil of me.” brichot did indeed feel an affection for m. de charlus and, if he had had to call to mind some conversation that had turned upon him, would have been far more likely to remember the friendly feeling that he had shewn for the baron, while he said the same things about him that everyone was saying, than to remember the things that he had said. he would not have thought that he was lying if he had said: “i who speak of you in so friendly a spirit,” since he did feel a friendly spirit while he was speaking of m. de charlus. the baron had above all for brichot the charm which the professor demanded before everything else in his social existence, and which was that of furnishing real examples of what he had long supposed to be an invention of the poets. brichot, who had often expounded the second eclogue of virgil without really knowing whether its fiction had any basis in reality, found later on in conversing with charlus some of the pleasure which he knew that his masters, m. mérimée and m. renan, his colleague m. maspéro had felt, when travelling in spain, palestine, and egypt, upon recognising in the scenery and the contemporary peoples of spain, palestine and egypt, the setting and the invariable actors of the ancient scenes which they themselves had expounded in their books. “be it said without offence to that knight of n0ble lineage,” brichot declared to me in the carriage that was taking us home, “he is simply prodigious when he ill-strates his satanic catechism with a distinctly bedlamite vigour and the persistence, i was going to say the candour, of spanish whitewash and of a returned émigré. i can -ssure you, if i dare express myself like mgr. d’hulst, i am by no means bored upon the days when i receive a visit from that feudal lord who, seeking to defend adonis against our age of miscreants, has followed the instincts of his race, and, in all sodomist innocence, has gone crusading.” i listened to brichot, and i was not alone with him. as, for that matter, i had never ceased to feel since i left home that evening, i felt myself, in however obscure a fashion, tied fast to the girl who was at that moment in her room. even when i was talking to some one or other at the verdurins’, i had felt, confusedly, that she was by my side, i had that vague impression of her that we have of our own limbs, and if i happened to think of her it was as we think, with disgust at being bound to it in complete subjection, of our own body. “and what a fund of scandal,” brichot went on, “sufficient to supply all the appendices of the causeries du lundi, is the conversation of that apostle. imagine that i have learned from him that the ethical treatise which i had always admired as the most splendid moral composition of our age was inspired in our venerable colleague x by a young telegraph messenger. let us not hesitate to admit that my eminent friend omitted to give us the name of this ephebe in the course of his demonstrations. he has shewn in so doing more human respect, or, if you prefer, less grat-tude than phidias who inscribed the name of the athlete whom he loved upon the ring of his olympian zeus. the baron had not heard that story. needless to say, it appealed to his orthodox mind. you can readily imagine that whenever i have to discuss with my colleague a candidate’s thesis, i shall find in his dialectic, which for that matter is extremely subtle, the additional savour which spicy revelations added, for sainte-beuve, to the insufficiently confidential writings of chateaubriand. from our colleague, who is a goldmine of wisdom but whose gold is not legal tender, the telegraph-boy p-ssed into the hands of the baron, ‘all perfectly proper, of course,’ (you ought to hear his voice when he says it). and as this satan is the most obliging of men, he has found his protégé a post in the colonies, from which the young man, who has a sense of grat-tude, sends him from time to time the most excellent fruit. the baron offers these to his distinguished friends; some of the young man’s pineapples appeared quite recently on the table at quai conti, drawing from mme. verdurin, who at that moment put no malice into her words: ‘you must have an uncle or a nephew in america, m. de charlus, to get pineapples like these!’ i admit that if i had known the truth then i should have eaten them with a certain gaiety, repeating to myself in petto the opening lines of an ode of horace which diderot loved to recall. in fact, like my colleague boissier, strolling from the palatine to tibur, i derive from the baron’s conversation a singularly more vivid and more savoury idea of the writers of the augustan age. let us not even speak of those of the decadence, nor let us hark back to the greeks, although i have said to that excellent baron that in his company i felt like plato in the house of aspasia. to tell the truth, i had considerably enlarged the scale of the two characters and, as la fontaine says, my example was taken ‘from lesser animals.’ however it be, you do not, i imagine, suppose that the baron took offence. never have i seen him so ingenuously delighted. a childish excitement made him depart from his aristocratic phlegm. ‘what flatterers all these sorbonnards are!’ he exclaimed with rapture. ‘to think that i should have had to wait until my age before being compared to aspasia! an old image like me! oh, my youth!’ i should like you to have seen him as he said that, outrageously powdered as he always is, and, at his age, scented like a young coxcomb. all the same, beneath his genealogical obsessions, the best fellow in the world. for all these reasons, i should be distressed were this evening’s rupture to prove final. what did surprise me was the way in which the young man turned upon him. his manner towards the baron has been, for some time past, that of a violent partisan, of a feudal v-ssal, which scarcely betokened such an insurrection. i hope that, in any event, even if (dii omen avertant) the baron were never to return to quai conti, this schism is not going to involve myself. each of us derives too much advantage from the exchange that we make of my feeble stock of learning with his experience.” (we shall see that if m. de charlus, after having hoped in vain that brichot would bring morel back to him, shewed no violent rancour against him, at any rate his affection for the professor vanished so completely as to allow him to judge him without any indulgence.) “and i swear to you that the exchange is so much in my favour that when the baron yields up to me what his life has taught him, i am unable to endorse the opinion of sylvestre bonnard that a library is still the best place in which to ponder the dream of life.”
we had now reached my door. i got out of the carriage to give the driver brichot’s address. from the pavement, i could see the window of albertine’s room, that window, formerly quite black, at night, when she was not staying in the house, which the electric light inside, dissected by the slats of the shutters, striped from top to bottom with parallel bars of gold. this magic scroll, clear as it was to myself, tracing before my tranquil mind precise images, near at hand, of which i should presently be taking possession, was completely invisible to brichot who had remained in the carriage, almost blind, and would moreover have been completely incomprehensible to him could he have seen it, since, like the friends who called upon me before dinner, when albertine had returned from her drive, the professor was unaware that a girl who was all my own was waiting for me in a bedroom adjoining mine. the carriage drove on. i remained for a moment alone upon the pavement. to be sure, these luminous rays which i could see from below and which to anyone else would have seemed merely superficial, i endowed with the utmost consistency, plenitude, solidity, in view of all the significance that i placed behind them, in a treasure unsuspected by the rest of the world which i had concealed there and from which those horizontal rays emanated, a treasure if you like, but a treasure in exchange for which i had forfeited my freedom, my solitude, my thought. if albertine had not been there, and indeed if i had merely been in search of pleasure, i would have gone to demand it of unknown women, into whose life i should have attempted to penetrate, at venice perhaps, or at least in some corner of nocturnal paris. but now all that i had to do when the time came for me to receive caresses, was not to set forth upon a journey, was not even to leave my own house, but to return there. and to return there not to find myself alone, and, after taking leave of the friends who furnished me from outside with food for thought, to find myself at any rate compelled to seek it in myself, but to be on the contrary less alone than when i was at the verdurins’, welcomed as i should be by the person to whom i abdicated, to whom i handed over most completely my own person, without having for an instant the leisure to think of myself nor even requiring the effort, since she would be by my side, to think of her. so that as i raised my eyes to look for the last time from outside at the window of the room in which i should presently find myself, i seemed to behold the luminous gates which were about to close behind me and of which i myself had forged, for an eternal slavery, the unyielding bars of gold
our engagement had -ssumed the form of a criminal trial and gave albertine the timidity of a guilty party. now she changed the conversation whenever it turned upon people, men or women, who were not of mature years. it was when she had not yet suspected that i was jealous of her that i could have asked her to tell me what i wanted to know. we ought always to take advantage of that period. it is then that our mistress tells us of her pleasures and even of the means by which she conceals them from other people. she would no longer have admitted to me now as she had admitted at balbec (partly because it was true, partly in order to excuse herself for not making her affection for myself more evident, for i had already begun to weary her even then, and she had gathered from my kindness to her that she need not shew it to me as much as to other men in order to obtain more from me than from them), she would no longer have admitted to me now as she had admitted then: “i think it stupid to let people see that one is in love; i’m just the opposite, as soon as a person appeals to me, i pretend not to take any notice of him. in that way, n0body knows anything about it.”
what, it was the same albertine of to-day, with her pretensions to frankness and indifference to all the world who had told me this! she would never have informed me of such a rule of conduct now! she contented herself when she was talking to me with applying it, by saying of somebody or other who might cause me anxiety: “oh, i don’t know, i never noticed them, they don’t count.” and from time to time, to antic-p-te discoveries which i might make, she would proffer those confessions which their accent, before one knows the reality which they are intended to alter, to render innocent, denounces already as being falsehoods
albertine had never told me that she suspected me of being jealous of her, preoccupied with everything that she did. the only words — and that, i must add, was long ago — which we had exchanged with regard to jealousy seemed to prove the opposite. i remembered that, on a fine moonlight evening, towards the beginning of our intimacy, on one of the first occasions when i had accompanied her home, and when i would have been just as glad not to do so and to leave her in order to run after other girls, i had said to her: “you know, if i am offering to take you home, it is not from jealousy; if you have anything else to do, i shall slip discreetly away.” and she had replied: “oh, i know quite well that you aren’t jealous and that it’s all the same to you, but i’ve nothing else to do except to stay with you.” another occasion was at la raspelière, when m. de charlus, not without casting a covert glance at morel, had made a display of friendly gallantry toward albertine; i had said to her: “well, he gave you a good hug, i hope.” and as i had added half ironically: “i suffered all the torments of jealousy,” albertine, employing the language proper either to the vulgar cl-ss from which she sprang or to that other, more vulgar still, which she frequented, replied: “what a fusspot you are! i know quite well you’re not jealous. for one thing, you told me so, and besides, it’s perfectly obvious, get along with you!” she had never told me since then that she had changed her mind; but there must all the same have developed in her, upon that subject, a number of fresh ideas, which she concealed from me but which an accident might, in spite of her, betray, for this evening when, having gone indoors, after going to fetch her from her own room and taking her to mine, i had said to her (with a certain awkwardness which i did not myself understand, for i had indeed told albertine that i was going to pay a call, and had said that i did not know where, perhaps upon mme. de villeparisis, perhaps upon mme. de guermantes, perhaps upon mme. de cambremer; it is true that i had not actually mentioned the verdurins): “guess where i have been, at the verdurins’,” i had barely had time to utter the words before albertine, a look of utter consternation upon her face, had answered me in words which seemed to explode of their own accord with a force which she was unable to contain: “i thought as much.” “i didn’t know that you would be annoyed by my going to see the verdurins.” it is true that she did not tell me that she was annoyed, but that was obvious; it is true also that i had not said to myself that she would be annoyed. and yet in the face of the explosion of her wrath, as in the face of those events which a sort of retrospective second sight makes us imagine that we have already known in the past, it seemed to me that i could never have expected anything else. “annoyed? what do you suppose i care, where you’ve been. it’s all the same to me. wasn’t mlle. vinteuil there?” losing all control of myself at these words: “you never told me that you had met her the other day,” i said to her, to shew her that i was better informed than she knew. believing that the person whom i reproached her for having met without telling me was mme. verdurin, and not, as i meant to imply, mlle. vinteuil: “did i meet her?” she inquired with a pensive air, addressing at once herself as though she were seeking to collect her fugitive memories and myself as though it were i that ought to have told her of the meeting; and no doubt in order that i might say what i knew, perhaps also in order to gain time before making a difficult response. but i was preoccupied with the thought of mlle. vinteuil, and still more with a dread which had already entered my mind but which now gripped me in a violent clutch, the dread that albertine might be longing for freedom. when i came home i had supposed that mme. verdurin had purely and simply invented, to enhance her own renown, the story of her having expected mlle. vinteuil and her friend, so that i was quite calm. albertine, merely by saying: “wasn’t mlle. vinteuil there?” had shewn me that i had not been mistaken in my original suspicion; but anyhow my mind was set at rest in that quarter for the future, since by giving up her plan of visiting the verdurins’ and going instead to the trocadéro, albertine had sacrificed mlle. vinteuil. but, at the trocadéro, from which, for that matter, she had come away in order to go for a drive with myself, there had been as a reason to make her leave it the presence of léa. as i thought of this i mentioned léa by name, and albertine, distrustful, supposing that i had perhaps heard something more, took the initiative and exclaimed volubly, not without partly concealing her face: “i know her quite well; we went last year, some of my friends and i, to see her act: after the performance we went behind to her dressing-room, she changed in front of us. it was most interesting.” then my mind was compelled to relinquish mlle. vinteuil and, in a desperate effort, racing through the abysses of possible reconstructions, attached itself to the actress, to that evening when albertine had gone behind to her dressing-room. on the other hand, after all the oaths that she had sworn to me, and in so truthful a tone, after the so complete sacrifice of her freedom, how was i to suppose that there was any evil in all this affair? and yet, were not my suspicions feelers pointing in the direction of the truth, since if she had made me a sacrifice of the verdurins in order to go to the trocadéro, nevertheless at the verdurins’ mlle. vinteuil was expected, and, at the trocadéro, there had been léa, who seemed to me to be disturbing me without cause and whom all the same, in that speech which i had not demanded of her, she admitted that she had known upon a larger scale than that of my fears, in circ-mstances that were indeed shady? for what could have induced her to go behind like that to that dressing-room? if i ceased to suffer because of mlle. vinteuil when i suffered because of léa, those two tormentors of my day, it was either on account of the inability of my mind to picture too many scenes at one time, or on account of the interference of my nervous emotions of which my jealousy was but the echo. i could induce from them only that she had belonged no more to léa than to mlle. vinteuil and that i was thinking of léa only because the thought of her still caused me pain. but the fact that my twin jealousies were dying down — to revive now and then, alternately — does not, in any way, mean that they did not on the contrary correspond each to some truth of which i had had a foreboding, that of these women i must not say to myself none, but all. i say a foreboding, for i could not project myself to all the points of time and sp-ce which i should have had to visit, and besides, what instinct would have given me the coordinate of one with another necessary to enable me to surprise albertine, here, at one moment, with léa, or with the balbec girls, or with that friend of mme. bontemps whom she had jostled, or with the girl on the tennis-court who had nudged her with her elbow, or with mlle. vinteuil?
i must add that what had appeared to me most serious, and had struck me as most symptomatic, was that she had forestalled my accusation, that she had said to me: “wasn’t mlle. vinteuil there?” to which i had replied in the most brutal fashion imaginable: “you never told me that you had met her.” thus as soon as i found albertine no longer obliging, instead of telling her that i was sorry, i became malicious. there was then a moment in which i felt a sort of hatred of her which only intensified my need to keep her in captivity
“besides,” i said to her angrily, “there are plenty of other things which you hide from me, even the most trivial things, such as for instance when you went for three days to balbec, i mention it in p-ssing.” i had added the words “i mention it in p-ssing” as a complement to “even the most trivial things” so that if albertine said to me “what was there wrong about my trip to balbec?” i might be able to answer: “why, i’ve quite forgotten. i get so confused about the things people tell me, i attach so little importance to them.” and indeed if i referred to those three days which she had spent in an excursion with the chauffeur to balbec, from where her postcards had reached me after so long an interval, i referred to them purely at random and regretted that i had chosen so bad an example, for in fact, as they had barely had time to go there and return, it was certainly the one excursion in which there had not even been time for the interpolation of a meeting at all protracted with anybody. but albertine supposed, from what i had just said, that i was fully aware of the real facts, and had merely concealed my knowledge from her; so she had been convinced, for some time past, that, in one way or another, i was having her followed, or in short was somehow or other, as she had said the week before to andrée, better informed than herself about her own life. and so she interrupted me with a wholly futile admission, for certainly i suspected nothing of what she now told me, and i was on the other hand appalled, so vast can the disparity be between the truth which a liar has disguised and the idea which, from her lies, the man who is in love with the said liar has formed of the truth. scarcely had i uttered the words: “when you went for three days to balbec, i mention it in p-ssing,” before albertine, cutting me short, declared as a thing that was perfectly natural: “you mean to say that i never went to balbec at all? of course i didn’t! and i have always wondered why you pretended to believe that i had. all the same, there was no harm in it. the driver had some business of his own for three days. he didn’t like to mention it to you. and so, out of kindness to him (it was my doing! besides it is always i that have to bear the brunt), i invented a trip to balbec. he simply put me down at auteuil, with my friend in the rue de l’-ssomption, where i spent the three days bored to tears. you see it is not a serious matter, there’s nothing broken. i did indeed begin to suppose that you perhaps knew all about it, when i saw how you laughed when the postcards began to arrive, a week late. i quite see that it was absurd, and that it would have been better not to send any cards. but that wasn’t my fault. i had bought the cards beforehand and given them to the driver before he dropped me at auteuil, and then the fathead put them in his pocket and forgot about them instead of sending them on in an envelope to a friend of his near balbec who was to forward them to you. i kept on supposing that they would turn up. he forgot all about them for five days, and instead of telling me the idiot sent them on at once to balbec. when he did tell me, i fairly broke it over him, i can tell you! and you go and make a stupid fuss, when it’s all the fault of that great fool, as a reward for my shutting myself up for three whole days, so that he might go and look after his family affairs. i didn’t even venture to go out into auteuil for fear of being seen. the only time that i did go out, i was dressed as a man, and that was a funny business. and it was just my luck, which follows me wherever i go, that the first person i came across was your yid friend bloch. but i don’t believe it was from him that you learned that my trip to balbec never existed except in my imagination, for he seemed not to recognise me.”
i did not know what to say, not wishing to appear astonished, while i was appalled by all these lies. with a sense of horror, which gave me no desire to turn albertine out of the house, far from it, was combined a strong inclination to burst into tears. this last was caused not by the lie itself and by the annihilation of everything that i had so stoutly believed to be true that i felt as though i were in a town that had been razed to the ground, where not a house remained standing, where the bare soil was merely heaped with rubble — but by the melancholy thought that, during those three days when she had been bored to tears in her friend’s house at auteuil, albertine had never once felt any desire, the idea had perhaps never occurred to her to come and pay me a visit one day on the quiet, or to send a message asking me to go and see her at auteuil. but i had not time to give myself up to these reflexions. whatever happened, i did not wish to appear surprised. i smiled with the air of a man who knows far more than he is going to say: “but that is only one thing out of a thousand. for instance, you knew that mlle. vinteuil was expected at mme. verdurin’s, this afternoon when you went to the trocadéro.” she blushed: “yes, i knew that.” “can you swear to me that it was not in order to renew your relations with her that you wanted to go to the verdurins’.” “why, of course i can swear. why do you say renew, i never had any relations with her, i swear it.” i was appalled to hear albertine lie to me like this, deny the facts which her blush had made all too evident. her mendacity appalled me. and yet, as it contained a protestation of innocence which, almost unconsciously, i was prepared to accept, it hurt me less than her sincerity when, after i had asked her: “can you at least swear to me that the pleasure of seeing mlle. vinteuil again had nothing to do with your anxiety to go this afternoon to the verdurins’ party?” she replied: “no, that i cannot swear. it would have been a great pleasure to see mlle. vinteuil again.” a moment earlier, i had been angry with her because she concealed her relations with mlle. vinteuil, and now her admission of the pleasure that she would have felt in seeing her again turned my bones to water. for that matter, the mystery in which she had cloaked her intention of going to see the verdurins ought to have been a sufficient proof. but i had not given the matter enough thought. although she was now telling me the truth, why did she admit only half, it was even more stupid than it was wicked and wretched. i was so crushed that i had not the courage to insist upon this question, as to which i was not in a strong position, having no d-mning evidence to produce, and to recover my ascendancy, i hurriedly turned to a subject which would enable me to put albertine to rout: “listen, only this evening, at the verdurins’, i learned that what you had told me about mlle. vinteuil. . . . ” albertine gazed at me fixedly with a tormented air, seeking to read in my eyes how much i knew. now, what i knew and what i was about to tell her as to mlle. vinteuil’s true nature, it was true that it was not at the verdurins’ that i had learned it, but at montjouvain long ago. only, as i had always refrained, deliberately, from mentioning it to albertine, i could now appear to have learned it only this evening. and i could almost feel a joy — after having felt, on the little tram, so keen an anguish — at possessing this memory of montjouvain, which i postdated, but which would nevertheless be the unanswerable proof, a crushing blow to albertine. this time at least, i had no need to “seem to know” and to “make albertine speak”; i did know, i had seen through the lighted window at montjouvain. it had been all very well for albertine to tell me that her relations with mlle. vinteuil and her friend had been perfectly pure, how could she when i swore to her (and swore without lying) that i knew the habits of these two women, how could she maintain any longer that, having lived in a daily intimacy with them, calling them “my big sisters,” she had not been approached by them with suggestions which would have made her break with them, if on the contrary she had not complied? but i had no time to tell her what i knew. albertine, imagining, as in the case of the pretended excursion to balbec, that i had learned the truth, either from mlle. vinteuil, if she had been at the verdurins’, or simply from mme. verdurin herself who might have mentioned her to mlle. vinteuil, did not allow me to speak but made a confession, the exact opposite of what i had supposed, which nevertheless, by shewing me that she had never ceased to lie to me, caused me perhaps just as much grief (especially since i was no longer, as i said a moment ago, jealous of mlle. vinteuil); in short, taking the words out of my mouth, albertine proceeded to say: “you mean to tell me that you found out this evening that i lied to you when i pretended that i had been more or less brought up by mlle. vinteuil’s friend. it is true that i did lie to you a little. but i felt that you despised me so, i saw too that you were so keen upon that man vinteuil’s music that as one of my school friends — this is true, i swear to you — had been a friend of mlle. vinteuil’s friend, i stupidly thought that i might make myself seem interesting to you by inventing the story that i had known the girls quite well. i felt that i was boring you, that you thought me a goose, i thought that if i told you that those people used to see a lot of me, that i could easily tell you all sorts of things about vinteuil’s work, i should acquire a little importance in your eyes, that it would draw us together. when i lie to you, it is always out of affection for you. and it needed this fatal verdurin party to open your eyes to the truth, which has been a bit exaggerated besides. i bet, mlle. vinteuil’s friend told you that she did not know me. she met me at least twice at my friend’s house. but of course, i am not smart enough for people like that who have become celebrities. they prefer to say that they have never met me.” poor albertine, when she imagined that to tell me that she had been so intimate with mlle. vinteuil’s friend would postpone her own dismissal, would draw her nearer to me, she had, as so often happens, attained the truth by a different road from that which she had intended to take. her shewing herself better informed about music than i had supposed would never have prevented me from breaking with her that evening, on the little tram; and yet it was indeed that speech, which she had made with that object, which had immediately brought about far more than the impossibility of a rupture. only she made an error in her interpretation, not of the effect which that speech was to have, but of the cause by virtue of which it was to produce that effect, a cause which was my discovery not of her musical culture, but of her evil -ssociations. what had abruptly drawn me to her, what was more, merged me in her was not the expectation of a pleasure — and pleasure is too strong a word, a slight interest — it was a wringing grief
once again i had to be careful not to keep too long a silence which might have led her to suppose that i was surprised. and so, touched by the discovery that she was so modest and had thought herself despised in the verdurin circle, i said to her tenderly: “but, my darling, i would gladly give you several hundred francs to let you go and play the fashionable lady wherever you please and invite m. and mme. verdurin to a grand dinner.” alas! albertine was several persons in one. the most mysterious, most simple, most atrocious revealed herself in the answer which she made me with an air of disgust and the exact words to tell the truth i could not quite make out (even the opening words, for she did not finish her sentence). i succeeded in establishing them only a little later when i had guessed what was in her mind. we hear things retrospectively when we have understood them. “thank you for nothing! fancy spending a cent upon those old frumps, i’d a great deal rather you left me alone for once in a way so that i can go and get some one decent to break my. . . . ” as she uttered the words, her face flushed crimson, a look of terror came to her eyes, she put her hand over her mouth as though she could have thrust back the words which she had just uttered and which i had completely failed to understand. “what did you say, albertine?” “no, nothing, i was half asleep and talking to myself.” “not a bit of it, you were wide awake.” “i was thinking about asking the verdurins to dinner, it is very good of you.” “no, i mean what you said just now.” she gave me endless versions, none of which agreed in the least, i do not say with her words which, being interrupted, remained vague, but with the interruption itself and the sudden flush that had accompanied it. “come, my darling, that is not what you were going to say, otherwise why did you stop short.” “because i felt that my request was indiscreet.” “what request?” “to be allowed to give a dinner-party.” “no, it is not that, there is no need of discretion between you and me.” “indeed there is, we ought never to take advantage of the people we love. in any case, i swear to you that that was all.” on the one hand it was still impossible for me to doubt her sworn word, on the other hand her explanations did not satisfy my critical spirit. i continued to press her. “anyhow, you might at least have the courage to finish what you were saying, you stopped short at break.” “no, leave me alone!” “but why?” “because it is dreadfully vulgar, i should be ashamed to say such a thing in front of you. i don’t know what i was thinking of, the words — i don’t even know what they mean, i heard them used in the street one day by some very low people — just came to my lips without rhyme or reason. it had nothing to do with me or anybody else, i was simply dreaming aloud.” i felt that i should extract nothing more from albertine. she had lied to me when she had sworn, a moment ago, that what had cut her short had been a social fear of being indiscreet, since it had now become the shame of letting me hear her use a vulgar expression. now this was certainly another lie. for when we were alone together there was no speech too perverse, no word too co-rs- for us to utter among our embraces. anyhow, it was useless to insist at that moment. but my memory remained obsessed by the word “break.” albertine frequently spoke of ‘breaking sticks’ or ‘breaking sugar’ over some one, or would simply say: “ah! i fairly broke it over him!” meaning “i fairly gave it to him!” but she would say this quite freely in my presence, and if it was this that she had meant to say, why had she suddenly stopped short, why had she blushed so deeply, placed her hands over her mouth, given a fresh turn to her speech, and, when she saw that i had heard the word ‘break,’ offered a false explanation. but as soon as i had abandoned the pursuit of an interrogation from which i received no response, the only thing to do was to appear to have lost interest in the matter, and, retracing my thoughts to albertine’s reproaches of me for having gone to the mistress’s, i said to her, very awkwardly, making indeed a sort of stupid excuse for my conduct: “why, i had been meaning to ask you to come to the verdurins’ party this evening,” a speech that was doubly maladroit, for if i meant it, since i had been with her all the day, why should i not have made the suggestion? furious at my lie and emboldened by my timidity: “you might have gone on asking me for a thousand years,” she said, “i would never have consented. they are people who have always been against me, they have done everything they could to upset me. there was nothing i didn’t do for mme. verdurin at balbec, and i’ve been finely rewarded. if she summoned me to her deathbed, i wouldn’t go. there are some things which it is impossible to forgive. as for you, it’s the first time you’ve treated me badly. when françoise told me that you had gone out (she enjoyed telling me that, i don’t think), you might have knocked me down with a feather. i tried not to shew any sign, but never in my life have i been so insulted.” while she was speaking, there continued in myself, in the thoroughly alive and creative sleep of the unconscious (a sleep in which the things that barely touch us succeed in carving an impression, in which our hands take hold of the key that turns the lock, the key for which we have sought in vain), the quest of what it was that she had meant by that interrupted speech the end of which i was so anxious to know. and all of a sudden an appalling word, of which i had never dreamed, burst upon me: ‘pot.’ i cannot say that it came to me in a single flash, as when, in a long p-ssive submission to an incomplete memory, while we try gently, cautiously, to draw it out, we remain fastened, glued to it. no, in contrast to the ordinary process of my memory, there were, i think, two parallel quests; the first took into account not merely albertine’s words, but her look of extreme annoyance when i had offered her a sum of money with which to give a grand dinner, a look which seemed to say: “thank you, the idea of spending money upon things that bore me, when without money i could do things that i enjoy doing!” and it was perhaps the memory of this look that she had given me which made me alter my method in discovering the end of her unfinished sentence. until then i had been hypnotised by her last word: ‘break,’ she had meant to say break what? break wood? no. sugar? no. break, break, break. and all at once the look that she had given me at the moment of my suggestion that she should give a dinner-party, turned me back to the words that had preceded. and immediately i saw that she had not said ‘break’ but ‘get some one to break.’ horror! it was this that she would have preferred. twofold horror! for even the vilest of prost-tutes, who consents to that sort of thing, or desires it, does not employ to the man who yields to her desires that appalling expression. she would feel the degradation too great. to a woman alone, if she loves women, she says this, as an excuse for giving herself presently to a man. albertine had not been lying when she told me that she was speaking in a dream. distracted, impulsive, not realising that she was with me, she had, with a shrug of her shoulders, begun to speak as she would have spoken to one of those women, to one, perhaps, of my young budding girls. and abruptly recalled to reality, crimson with shame, thrusting back between her lips what she was going to say, plunged in despair, she had refused to utter another word. i had not a moment to lose if i was not to let her see how desperate i was. but already, after my sudden burst of rage, the tears came to my eyes. as at balbec, on the night that followed her revelation of her friendship with the vinteuil pair, i must immediately invent a plausible excuse for my grief, and one that was at the same time capable of creating so profound an effect upon albertine as to give me a few days’ respite before i came to a decision. and so, at the moment when she told me that she had never received such an insult as that which i had inflicted upon her by going out, that she would rather have died than hear françoise tell her of my departure, when, as though irritated by her absurd susceptibility, i was on the point of telling her that what i had done was nothing, that there was nothing that could offend her in my going out — as, during these moments, moving on a parallel course, my unconscious quest for what she had meant to say after the word ‘break’ had proved successful, and the despair into which my discovery flung me could not be completely hidden, instead of defending, i accused myself. “my little albertine,” i said to her in a gentle voice which was drowned in my first tears, “i might tell you that you are mistaken, that what i did this evening is nothing, but i should be lying; it is you that are right, you have realised the truth, my poor child, which is that six months ago, three months ago, when i was still so fond of you, never would i have done such a thing. it is a mere nothing, and it is enormous, because of the immense change in my heart of which it is the sign. and since you have detected this change which i hoped to conceal from you, that leads me on to tell you this: my little albertine” (and here i addressed her with a profound gentleness and melancholy), “don’t you see, the life that you are leading here is boring to you, it is better that we should part, and as the best partings are those that are ended at once, i ask you, to cut short the great sorrow that i am bound to feel, to bid me good-bye to-night and to leave in the morning without my seeing you again, while i am asleep.” she appeared stupefied, still incredulous and already disconsolate: “to-morrow? you really mean it?” and notwithstanding the anguish that i felt in speaking of our parting as though it were already in the past — partly perhaps because of that very anguish — i began to give albertine the most precise instructions as to certain things which she would have to do after she left the house. and p-ssing from one request to another, i soon found myself entering into the minutest details. “be so kind,” i said, with infinite melancholy, “as to send me back that book of bergotte’s which is at your aunt’s. there is no hurry about it, in three days, in a week, whenever you like, but remember that i don’t want to have to write and ask you for it, that would be too painful. we have been happy together, we feel now that we should be unhappy.” “don’t say that we feel that we should be unhappy,” albertine interrupted me, “don’t say ‘we,’ it is only you who feel that.” “yes, very well, you or i, as you like, for one reason or another. but it is absurdly late, you must go to bed — we have decided to part to-night.” “pardon me, you have decided, and i obey you because i do not wish to cause you any trouble.” “very well, it is i who have decided, but that makes it none the less painful for me. i do not say that it will be painful for long, you know that i have not the faculty of remembering things for long, but for the first few days i shall be so miserable without you. and so i feel that it will be useless to revive the memory with letters, we must end everything at once.” “yes, you are right,” she said to me with a crushed air, which was enhanced by the strain of fatigue upon her features due to the lateness of the hour; “rather than have one finger chopped off, then another, i prefer to lay my head on the block at once.” “heavens, i am appalled when i think how late i am keeping you out of bed, it is madness. however, it’s the last night! you will have plenty of time to sleep for the rest of your life.” and as i suggested to her thus that it was time to say good night i sought to postpone the moment when she would have said it. “would you like me, as a distraction during the first few days, to tell bloch to send his cousin esther to the place where you will be staying, he will do that for me.” “i don’t know why you say that” (i had said it in an endeavour to wrest a confession from albertine); “there is only one person for whom i care, which is yourself,” albertine said to me, and her words filled me with comfort. but, the next moment, what a blow she dealt me!“i remember, of course, that i did give esther my photograph because she kept on asking me for it and i saw that she would like to have it, but as for feeling any liking for her or wishing ever to see her again. . . . ” and yet albertine was of so frivolous a nature that she went on: “if she wants to see me, it is all the same to me, she is very nice, but i don’t care in the least either way.” and so when i had spoken to her of the photograph of esther which bloch had sent me (and which i had not even received when i mentioned it to albertine) my mistress had gathered that bloch had shewn me a photograph of herself, given by her to esther. in my worst suppositions, i had never imagined that any such intimacy could have existed between albertine and esther. albertine had found no words in which to answer me when i spoke of the photograph. and now, supposing me, wrongly, to be in the know, she thought it better to confess. i was appalled. “and, albertine, let me ask you to do me one more favour, never attempt to see me again. if at any time, as may happen in a year, in two years, in three years, we should find ourselves in the same town, keep away from me.” then, seeing that she did not reply in the affirmative to my prayer: “my albertine, never see me again in this world. it would hurt me too much. for i was really fond of you, you know. of course, when i told you the other day that i wanted to see the friend again whom i mentioned to you at balbec, you thought that it was all settled. not at all, i -ssure you, it was quite immaterial to me. you were convinced that i had long made up my mind to leave you, that my affection was all make-believe.” “no indeed, you are mad, i never thought so,” she said sadly. “you are right, you must never think so, i did genuinely feel for you, not love perhaps, but a great, a very great affection, more than you can imagine.” “i can, indeed. and do you suppose that i don’t love you!” “it hurts me terribly to have to give you up.” “it hurts me a thousand times more,” replied albertine. a moment earlier i had felt that i could no longer restrain the tears that came welling up in my eyes. and these tears did not spring from at all the same sort of misery which i had felt long ago when i said to gilberte: “it is better that we should not see one another again, life is dividing us.” no doubt when i wrote this to gilberte, i said to myself that when i should be in love not with her but with another, the excess of my love would diminish that which i might perhaps have been able to inspire, as though two people must inevitably have only a certain quant-ty of love at their disposal; of which the surplus taken by one is subtracted from the other, and that from her too, as from gilberte, i should be doomed to part. but the situation was entirely different for several reasons, the first of which (and it had, in its turn, given rise to the others) was that the lack of will-power which my grandmother and mother had observed in me with alarm, at combray, and before which each of them, so great is the energy with which a sick man imposes his weakness upon others, had capitulated in turn, this lack of will-power had gone on increasing at an ever accelerated pace. when i felt that my company was boring gilberte, i had still enough strength left to give her up; i had no longer the same strength when i had made a similar discovery with regard to albertine, and could think only of keeping her at any cost to myself. with the result that, whereas i wrote to gilberte that i would not see her again, meaning quite sincerely not to see her, i said this to albertine as a pure falsehood, and in the hope of bringing about a reconciliation. thus we presented each to the other an appearance which was widely different from the reality. and no doubt it is always so when two people stand face to face, since each of them is ignorant of a part of what exists in the other (even what he knows, he can understand only in part) and since both of them display what is the least personal thing about them, whether because they have not explored themselves and regard as negligible what is most important, or because insignificant advantages which have no place in themselves seem to them more important and more flattering. but in love this misunderstanding is carried to its supreme pitch because, except perhaps when we are children, we endeavour to make the appearance that we -ssume, rather than reflect exactly what is in our mind, be what our mind considers best adapted to enable us to obtain what we desire, which in my case, since my return to the house, was to be able to keep albertine as docile as she had been in the past, was that she should not in her irritation ask me for a greater freedom, which i intended to give her one day, but which at this moment, when i was afraid of her cravings for independence, would have made me too jealous. after a certain age, from self-esteem and from sagacity, it is to the things which we most desire that we pretend to attach no importance. but in love, our mere sagacity — which for that matter is probably not the true wisdom — forces us speedily enough to this g*nius for duplicity. all that i had dreamed, as a boy, to be the sweetest thing in love, what had seemed to me to be the very essence of love, was to pour out freely, before the feet of her whom i loved, my affection, my grat-tude for her kindness, my longing for a perpetual life together. but i had become only too well aware, from my own experience and from that of my friends, that the expression of such sentiments is far from being contagious. once we have observed this, we no longer ‘let ourself go’; i had taken good care in the afternoon not to tell albertine how grateful i was to her that she had not remained at the trocadéro. and to-night, having been afraid that she might leave me, i had feigned a desire to part from her, a feint which for that matter was not suggested to me merely by the enlightenment which i supposed myself to have received from my former loves and was seeking to bring to the service of this
the fear that albertine was perhaps going to say to me: “i wish to be allowed to go out by myself at certain hours, i wish to be able to stay away for a night,” in fact any request of that sort, which i did not attempt to define, but which alarmed me, this fear had entered my mind for a moment before and during the verdurins’ party. but it had been dispelled, contradicted moreover by the memory of how albertine -ssured me incessantly how happy she was with me. the intention to leave me, if it existed in albertine, was made manifest only in an obscure fashion, in certain sorrowful glances, certain gestures of impatience, speeches which meant nothing of the sort, but which, if one -n-lysed them (and there was not even any need of -n-lysis, for we can immediately detect the language of p-ssion, the lower orders themselves understand these speeches which can be explained only by vanity, rancour, jealousy, unexpressed as it happens, but revealing itself at once to the listener by an intuitive faculty which, like the ‘good sense’ of which descartes speaks, is the most widespread thing in the world), revealed the presence in her of a sentiment which she concealed and which might lead her to form plans for another life apart from myself. just as this intention was not expressed in her speech in a logical fashion, so the presentiment of this intention, which i had felt tonight, remained just as vague in myself. i continued to live by the hypothesis which admitted as true everything that albertine told me. but it may be that in myself, during this time, a wholly contrary hypothesis, of which i refused to think, never left me; this is all the more probable since, otherwise, i should have felt no hesitation in telling albertine that i had been to the verdurins’, and, indeed, my want of astonishment at her anger would not have been comprehensible. so that what probably existed in me was the idea of an albertine entirely opposite to that which my reason formed of her, to that also which her own speech portrayed, an albertine that all the same was not wholly invented, since she was like a prophetic mirror of certain impulses that occurred in her, such as her ill humour at my having gone to the verdurins’. besides, for a long time past, my frequent anguish, my fear of telling albertine that i loved her, all this corresponded to another hypothesis which explained many things besides, and had also this to be said for it, that, if one adopted the first hypothesis, the second became more probable, for by allowing myself to give way to effusive tenderness for albertine, i obtained from her nothing but irritation (to which moreover she -ssigned a different cause)
if i -n-lyse my feelings by this hypothesis, by the invariable system of retorts expressing the exact opposite of what i was feeling, i can be quite certain that if, to-night, i told her that i was going to send her away, it was — at first, quite unconsciously — because i was afraid that she might desire her freedom (i should have been put to it to say what this freedom was that made me tremble, but anyhow some state of freedom in which she would have been able to deceive me, or, at least, i should no longer have been able to be certain that she was not) and wished to shew her, from pride, from cunning, that i was very far from fearing anything of the sort, as i had done already, at balbec, when i was anxious that she should have a good opinion of me, and later on, when i was anxious that she should not have time to feel bored with me. in short, the objection that might be offered to this second hypothesis — which i did not formulate — that everything that albertine said to me indicated on the contrary that the life which she preferred was the life in my house, resting, reading, solitude, a loathing of sapphic loves, and so forth, meed not be considered seriously. for if on her part albertine had chosen to interpret my feelings from what i said to her, she would have learned the exact opposite of the truth, since i never expressed a desire to part from her except when i was unable to do without her, and at balbec i had confessed to her that i was in love with another woman, first andrée, then a mysterious stranger, on the two occasions on which jealousy had revived my love for albertine. my words, therefore, did not in the least reflect my sentiments. if the reader has no more than a faint impression of these, that is because, as narrator, i reveal my sentiments to him at the same time as i repeat my words. but if i concealed the former and he were acquainted only with the latter, my actions, so little in keeping with my speech, would so often give him the impression of strange revulsions of feeling that he would think me almost mad. a procedure which would not, for that matter, be much more false than that which i have adopted, for the images which prompted me to action, so opposite to those which were portrayed in my speech, were at that moment extremely obscure; i was but imperfectly aware of the nature which guided my actions; at present, i have a clear conception of its subjective truth. as for its objective truth, that is to say whether the inclinations of that nature grasped more exactly than my reason albertine’s true intentions, whether i was right to trust to that nature or on the contrary it did not corrupt albertine’s intentions instead of making them plain, that i find difficult to say. that vague fear which i had felt at the verdurins’ that albertine might leave me had been at once dispelled. when i returned home, it had been with the feeling that i myself was a captive, not with that of finding a captive in the house. but the dispelled fear had gripped me all the more violently when, at the moment of my informing albertine that i had been to the verdurins’, i saw her face veiled with a look of enigmatic irritation which moreover was not making itself visible for the first time. i knew quite well that it was only the crystallisation in the flesh of reasoned complaints, of ideas clear to the person who forms and does not express them, a synthesis rendered visible but not therefore rational, which the man who gathers its precious residue from the face of his beloved, endeavours in his turn, so that he may understand what is occurring in her, to reduce by -n-lysis to its intellectual elements. the approximate equation of that unknown quant-ty which albertine’s thoughts were to me, had given me, more or less: “i knew his suspicions, i was sure that he would attempt to verify them, and so that i might not hinder him, he has worked out his little plan in secret.” but if this was the state of mind (and she had never expressed it to me) in which albertine was living, must she not regard with horror, find the strength fail her to carry on, might she not at any moment decide to terminate an existence in which, if she was, in desire at any rate, guilty, she must feel herself exposed, tracked down, prevented from ever yielding to her instincts, without thereby disarming my jealousy, and if innocent in intention and fact, she had had every right, for some time past, to feel discouraged, seeing that never once, from balbec, where she had shewn so much perseverance in avoiding the risk of her ever being left alone with andrée, until this very day when she had agreed not to go to the verdurins’ and not to stay at the troca-déro, had she succeeded in regaining my confidence. all the more so as i could not say that her behaviour was not exemplary. if at balbec, when anyone mentioned girls who had a bad style, she used often to copy their laughter, their wrigglings, their general manner, which was a torture to me because of what i supposed that it must mean to her girl friends, now that she knew my opinion on the subject, as soon as anyone made an allusion to things of that sort, she ceased to take part in the conversation, not only in speech but with the expression on her face. whether it was in order not to contribute her share to the slanders that were being uttered about some woman or other, or for a quite different reason, the only thing that was noticeable then, upon those so mobile features, was that from the moment in which the topic was broached they had made their inattention evident, while preserving exactly the same expression that they had worn a moment earlier. and this immobility of even a light expression was as heavy as a silence; it would have been impossible to say that she blamed, that she approved, that she knew or did not know about these things. none of her features bore any relation to anything save another feature. her nose, her mouth, her eyes formed a perfect harmony, isolated from everything else; she looked like a pastel, and seemed to have no more heard what had just been said than if it had been uttered in front of a portrait by latour
my serfdom, of which i had already been conscious when, as i gave the driver brichot’s address, i caught sight of the light in her window, had ceased to weigh upon me shortly afterwards, when i saw that albertine appeared so cruelly conscious of her own. and in order that it might seem to her less burdensome, that she might not decide to break her bonds of her own accord, i had felt that the most effective plan was to give her the impression that it would not be permanent and that i myself was looking forward to its termination. seeing that my feint had proved successful, i might well have thought myself fortunate, in the first place because what i had so greatly dreaded, albertine’s determination (as i supposed) to leave me, was shewn to be non-existent, and secondly, because, quite apart from the object that i had had in mind, the very success of my feint, by proving that i was something more to albertine than a scorned lover, whose jealousy is flouted, all of his ruses detected in advance, endowed our love afresh with a sort of virginity, revived for it the days in which she could still, at balbec, so readily believe that i was in love with another woman. for she would probably not have believed that any longer, but she was taking seriously my feigned determination to part from her now and for ever. she appeared to suspect that the cause of our parting might be something that had happened at the verdurins’. feeling a need to soothe the anxiety into which i was worked by my pretence of a rupture, i said to her: “albertine, can you swear that you have never lied to me?” she gazed fixedly into the air before replying: “yes, that is to say no. i ought not to have told you that andrée was greatly taken with bloch, we never met him.” “then why did you say so?” “because i was afraid that you had believed other stories about her, that’s all.” i told her that i had met a dramatist who was a great friend of léa, and to whom léa had told some strange things. i hoped by telling her this to make her suppose that i knew a great deal more than i cared to say about bloch’s cousin’s friend. she stared once again into vacancy and then said: “i ought not, when i spoke to you just now about léa, to have kept from you a three weeks’ trip that i took with her once. but i knew you so slightly in those days!” “it was before balbec?” “before the second time, yes.” and that very morning, she had told me that she did not know léa, and, only a moment ago, that she had met her once only in her dressing-room! i watched a tongue of flame seize and devour in an instant a romance which i had spent millions of minutes in writing. to what end? to what end? of course i understood that albertine had revealed these facts to me because she thought that i had learned them indirectly from léa; and that there was no reason why a hundred similar facts should not exist. i realised thus that albertine’s utterances, when one interrogated her, did not ever contain an atom of truth, that the truth she allowed to escape only in spite of herself, as though by a sudden combination in her mind of the facts which she had previously been determined to conceal with the belief that i had been informed of them. “but two things are nothing,” i said to albertine, “let us have as many as four, so that you may leave me some memories of you. what other revelations have you got for me?” once again she stared into vacancy. to what belief in a future life was she adapting her falsehood, with what gods less unstable than she had supposed was she seeking to ally herself? this cannot have been an easy matter, for her silence and the fixity of her gaze continued for some time. “no, nothing else,” she said at length. and, notwithstanding my persistence, she adhered, easily now, to “nothing else.” and what a lie! for, from the moment when she had acquired those tastes until the day when she had been shut up in my house, how many times, in how many places, on how many excursions must she have gratified them! the daughters of gomorrah are at once so rare and so frequent that, in any crowd of people, one does not p-ss unperceived by the other. from that moment a meeting becomes easy
i remembered with horror an evening which at the time had struck me as merely absurd. one of my friends had invited me to dine at a restaurant with his mistress and another of his friends who had also brought his own. the two women were not long in coming to an understanding, but were so impatient to enjoy one another that, with the soup, their feet were searching for one another, often finding mine. presently their legs were interlaced. my two friends noticed nothing; i was on tenterhooks. one of the women, who could contain herself no longer, stooped under the table, saying that she had dropped something. then one of them complained of a headache and asked to go upstairs to the lavatory. the other discovered that it was time for her to go and meet a woman friend at the theatre. finally i was left alone with my two friends who suspected nothing. the lady with the headache reappeared, but begged to be allowed to go home by herself to wait for her lover at his house, so that she might take a dose of antipyrin. they became great friends, used to go about together, one of them, dressed as a man, picking up little girls and taking them to the other, initiating them. one of them had a little boy who, she pretended, was troublesome, and handed him over for punishment to her friend, who set to work with a strong arm. one may say that there was no place, however public, in which they did not do what is most secret
“but léa behaved perfectly properly with me all the time,” albertine told me. “she was indeed a great deal more reserved than plenty of society women.” “are there any society women who have shewn a want of reserve with you, albertine?” “never.” “then what do you mean?” “o, well, she was less free in her speech.” “for instance?” “she would never, like many of the women you meet, have used the expression ‘rotten,’ or say: ‘i don’t care a d-mn for anybody.’” it seemed to me that a part of the romance which the flames had so far spared was crumbling at length in ashes
my discouragement might have persisted. albertine’s words, when i thought of them, made it give place to a furious rage. this succ-mbed to a sort of tender emotion. i also, when i came home and declared that i wished to break with her, had been lying. and this desire for a parting, which i had feigned with perseverance, gradually affected me with some of the misery which i should have felt if i had really wished to part from albertine
besides, even when i thought in fits and starts, in twinges, as we say of other bodily pains, of that orgiastic life which albertine had led before she met me, i admired all the more the docility of my captive and ceased to feel any resentment
no doubt, never, during our life together, had i failed to let albertine know that such a life would in all probability be merely temporary, so that albertine might continue to find some charm in it. but to-night i had gone further, having feared that vague threats of separation were no longer sufficient, contradicted as they would doubtless be, in albertine’s mind, by her idea of a strong and jealous love of her, which must have made me, she seemed to imply, go in quest of information to the verdurins’
to-night i thought that, among the other reasons which might have made me decide of a sudden, without even realising except as i went on what i was doing, to enact this scene of rupture, there was above all the fact that, when, in one of those impulses to which my father was liable, i threatened another person in his security, as i had not, like him, the courage to carry a threat into practice, in order not to let it be supposed that it had been but empty words, i would go to a considerable length in pretending to carry out my threat and would recoil only when my adversary, having had a genuine illusion of my sincerity, had begun seriously to tremble. besides, in these lies, we feel that there is indeed a grain of truth, that, if life does not bring any alteration of our loves, it is ourselves who will seek to bring or to feign one, so strongly do we feel that all love, and everything else evolves rapidly towards a farewell. we would like to shed the tears that it will bring long before it comes. no doubt there had been, on this occasion, in the scene that i had enacted, a practical value. i had suddenly determined to keep albertine because i felt that she was distributed among other people whom i could not prevent her from joining. but had she renounced them all finally for myself, i should have been all the more firmly determined never to let her go, for a parting is, by jealousy, rendered cruel, but, by grat-tude, impossible. i felt that in any case i was fighting the decisive battle in which i must conquer or fall. i would have offered albertine in an hour all that i possessed, because i said to myself: “everything depends upon this battle, but such battles are less like those of old days which lasted for a few hours than a battle of to-day which does not end on the morrow, nor on the day after, nor in the following week. we give all our strength, because we steadfastly believe that we shall never need any strength again. and more than a year p-sses without bringing a ‘decisive’ victory. perhaps an unconscious reminiscence of lying scenes enacted by m. de charlus, in whose company i was when the fear of albertine’s leaving me had seized hold of me, was added to the rest. but, later on, i heard my mother say something of which i was then unaware and which leads me to believe that i found all the elements of this scene in myself, in those obscure reserves of heredity which certain emotions, acting in this respect as, upon the residue of our stored-up strength, drugs such as alcohol and coffee act, place at our disposal. when my aunt léonie learned from eulalie that françoise, convinced that her mistress would never again leave the house, had secretly planned some outing of which my aunt was to know nothing, she, the day before, would pretend to have made up her mind that she would attempt an excursion on the morrow. the incredulous françoise was ordered not only to prepare my aunt’s clothes beforehand, to give an airing to those that had been put away for too long, but to order a carriage, to arrange, to within a quarter of an hour, all the details of the day. it was only when françoise, convinced or at any rate shaken, had been forced to confess to my aunt the plan that she herself had formed, that my aunt would publicly abandon her own, so as not, she said, to interfere with françoise’s arrangements. similarly, so that albertine might not believe that i was exaggerating and to make her proceed as far as possible in the idea that we were to part, drawing myself the obvious deductions from the proposal that i had advanced, i had begun to antic-p-te the time which was to begin on the morrow and was to last for ever, the time in which we should be parted, addressing to albertine the same requests as if we were not to be reconciled almost immediately. like a general who considers that if a feint is to succeed in deceiving the enemy it must be pushed to extremes, i had employed in this feint almost as much of my store of sensibility as if it had been genuine. this fict-tious parting scene ended by causing me almost as much grief as if it had been real, possibly because one of the actors, albertine, by believing it to be real, had enhanced the other’s illusion. while we were living, from day to day, in a day which, even if painful, was still endurable, held down to earth by the ballast of habit and by that certainty that the morrow, should it prove a day of torment, would contain the presence of the person who is all in all, here was i stupidly destroying all that oppressive life. i was destroying it, it is true, only in a fict-tious fashion, but this was enough to make me wretched; perhaps because the sad words which we utter, even when we are lying, carry in themselves their sorrow and inject it deeply into us; perhaps because we do not realise that, by feigning farewells, we evoke by antic-p-tion an hour which must inevitably come later on; then we cannot be certain that we have not released the mechanism which will make it strike. in every bluff there is an element, however small, of uncertainty as to what the person whom we are deceiving is going to do. if this make-believe of parting should lead to a parting! we cannot consider the possibility, however unlikely it may seem, without a clutching of the heart. we are doubly anxious, because the parting would then occur at the moment when it would be intolerable, when we had been made to suffer by the woman who would be leaving us before she had healed, or at least appeased us. in short, we have no longer the solid ground of habit upon which we rest, even in our sorrow. we have deliberately deprived ourselves of it, we have given the present day an exceptional importance, have detached it from the days before and after it; it floats without roots like a day of departure; our imagination ceasing to be paralysed by habit has awakened, we have suddenly added to our everyday love sentimental dreams which enormously enhance it, make indispensable to us a presence upon which, as a matter of fact, we are no longer certain that we can rely. no doubt it is precisely in order to -ssure ourselves of that presence for the future that we have indulged in the make-believe of being able to dispense with it. but this make-believe, we have ourselves been taken in by it, we have begun to suffer afresh because we have created something new, unfamiliar which thus resembles those cures that are destined in time to heal the malady from which we are suffering, but the first effects of which are to aggravate it
i had tears in my eyes, like the people who, alone in their bedrooms, imagining, in the wayward course of their meditations, the death of some one whom they love, form so detailed a picture of the grief that they would feel that they end by feeling it. and so as i multiplied my advice to albertine as to the way in which she would have to behave in relation to myself after we had parted, i seemed to be feeling almost as keen a distress as though we had not been on the verge of a reconciliation. besides, was i so certain that i could bring about this reconciliation, bring albertine back to the idea of a life shared with myself, and, if i succeeded for the time being, that in her, the state of mind which this scene had dispelled would not revive? i felt myself, but did not believe myself to be master of the future, because i realised that this sensation was due merely to the fact that the future did not yet exist, and that thus i was not crushed by its inevitability. in short, while i lied, i was perhaps putting into my words more truth than i supposed. i had just had an example of this, when i told albertine that i should quickly forget her; this was what had indeed happened to me in the case of gilberte, whom i now refrained from going to see in order to escape not a grief but an irksome duty. and certainly i had been grieved when i wrote to gilberte that i would not come any more, and i had gone to see her only occasionally. whereas the whole of albertine’s time belonged to me, and in love it is easier to relinquish a sentiment than to lose a habit. but all these painful words about our parting, if the strength to utter them had been given me because i knew them to be untrue, were on the other hand sincere upon albertine’s lips when i heard her exclaim: “ah! i promise, i will never see you again. anything sooner than see you cry like that, my darling. i do not wish to cause you any grief. since it must be, we will never meet again.” they were sincere, as they could not have been coming from me, because, for one thing, as albertine felt nothing stronger for me than friendship, the renunciation that they promised cost her less; because, moreover, in a scene of parting, it is the person who is not genuinely in love that makes the tender speeches, since love does not express itself directly; because, lastly, my tears, which would have been so small a matter in a great love, seemed to her almost extraordinary and overwhelmed her, transposed into the region of that state of friendship in which she dwelt, a friendship greater than mine for her, to judge by what she had just said, which was perhaps not altogether inexact, for the thousand kindnesses of love may end by arousing, in the person who inspires without feeling it, an affection, a grat-tude less selfish than the sentiment that provoked them, which, perhaps, after years of separation, when nothing of that sentiment remains in the former lover, will still persist in the beloved
“my little albertine,” i replied, “it is very good of you to make me this promise. anyhow, for the first few years at least, i shall avoid the places where i might meet you. you don’t know whether you will be going to balbec this year? because in that case i should arrange not to go there myself.” but now, if i continued to progress thus, antic-p-ting time to come in my lying inventions, it was with a view no less to inspiring fear in albertine than to making myself wretched. as a man who at first had no serious reason for losing his temper, becomes completely intoxicated by the sound of his own voice, and lets himself be carried away by a fury engendered not by his grievance but by his anger which itself is steadily growing, so i was falling ever faster and faster down the slope of my wretchedness, towards an ever more profound despair, and with the inertia of a man who feels the cold grip him, makes no effort to resist it and even finds a sort of pleasure in shivering. and if i had now at length, as i fully supposed, the strength to control myself, to react and to reverse my engines, far more than from the grief which albertine had caused me by so unfriendly a greeting on my return, it was from that which i had felt in imagining, so as to pretend to be outlining them, the formalities of an imaginary separation, in foreseeing its consequences, that albertine’s kiss, when the time came for her to bid me good night, would have to console me now. in any case, it must not be she that said this good night of her own accord, for that would have made more difficult the revulsion by which i would propose to her to abandon the idea of our parting. and so i continued to remind her that the time to say good night had long since come and gone, a method which, by leaving the initiative to me, enabled me to put it off for a moment longer. and thus i scattered with allusions to the lateness of the hour, to our exhaustion, the questions with which i was plying albertine. “i don’t know where i shall be going,” she replied to the last of these, in a worried tone. “perhaps i shall go to touraine, to my aunt’s.” and this first plan that she suggested froze me as though it were beginning to make definitely effective our final separation. she looked round the room, at the pianola, the blue satin armchairs. “i still cannot make myself realise that i shall not see all this again, to-morrow, or the next day, or ever. poor little room. it seems to me quite impossible; i cannot get it into my head.” “it had to be; you were unhappy here.” “no, indeed, i was not unhappy, it is now that i shall be unhappy.” “no, i -ssure you, it is better for you.” “for you, perhaps!” i began to stare fixedly into vacancy, as though, worried by an extreme hesitation, i was debating an idea which had occurred to my mind. then, all of a sudden: “listen, albertine, you say that you are happier here, that you are going to be unhappy.” “why, of course.” “that appalls me; would you like us to try to carry on for a few weeks? who knows, week by week, we may perhaps go on for a long time; you know that there are temporary arrangements which end by becoming permanent.” “oh, how kind you are!” “only in that case it is ridiculous of us to have made ourselves wretched like this over nothing for hours on end, it is like making all the preparations for a long journey and then staying at home. i am shattered with grief.” i made her sit on my knee, i took bergotte’s m-n-script which she so longed to have and wrote on the cover: “to my little albertine, in memory of a new lease of life.” “now,” i said to her, “go and sleep until to-morrow, my darling, for you must be worn out.” “i am very glad, all the same.” “do you love me a little bit?” “a hundred times more than ever.”
i should have been wrong in being delighted with this little piece of playacting, had it not been that i had carried it to the pitch of a real scene on the stage. had we done no more than quite simply discuss a separation, even that would have been a serious matter. in conversations of this sort, we suppose that we are speaking not merely without sincerity, which is true, but freely. whereas they are generally, though we know it not, murmured in spite of us; the first murmur of a storm which we do not suspect. in reality, what we express at such times is the opposite of our desire (which is to live for ever with her whom we love), but there is also that impossibility of living together which is the cause of our daily suffering, a suffering preferred by us to that of a parting, which will, however, end, in spite of ourselves, in parting us. generally speaking, not, however, at once. as a rule, it happens — this was not, as we shall see, my case with albertine — that, some time after the words in which we did not believe, we put into action a vague attempt at a deliberate separation, not painful, temporary. we ask the woman, so that afterwards she may be happier in our company, so that we on the other hand may momentarily escape from continual worries and fatigues, to go without us, or to let us go without her, for a few days elsewhere, the first days that we have — for a long time past — spent, as would have seemed to us impossible, away from her. very soon she returns to take her place by our fireside. only this separation, short, but made real, is not so arbitrarily decided upon, not so certainly the only one that we have in mind. the same sorrows begin afresh, the same difficulty in living together becomes accentuated, only a parting is no longer so difficult as before; we have begun mentioning it, and have then put it into practice in a friendly fashion. but these are only preliminary ventures whose nature we have not recognised. presently, to the momentary and smiling separation will succeed the terrible and final separation for which we have, without knowing it, paved the way
“come to my room in five minutes and let me see something of you, my dearest boy. you are full of kindness. but afterwards i shall fall asleep at once, for i am almost dead.” it was indeed a dead woman that i beheld when, presently, i entered her room. she had gone to sleep immediately she lay down, the sheets wrapped like a shroud about her body had -ssumed, with their stately folds, a stony rigidity. one would have said that, as in certain last judgments of the middle ages, her head alone was emerging from the tomb, awaiting in its sleep the archangel’s trumpet. this head had been surprised by sleep almost flung back, its hair bristling. and as i saw the expressionless body extended there, i asked myself what logarithmic table it const-tuted so that all the actions in which it might have been involved, from the nudge of an elbow to the brushing of a skirt, were able to cause me, stretched out to the infinity of all the points that it had occupied in sp-ce and time, and from time to time sharply reawakened in my memory, so intense an anguish, albeit i knew those actions to have been determined in her by impulses, desires, which in another person, in herself five years earlier, or five years later, would have left me quite indifferent. all this was a lie, but a lie for which i had not the courage to seek any solution other than my own death. and so i remained, in the fur coat which i had not taken off since my return from the verdurins’, before that bent body, that figure allegorical of what? of my death? of my love? presently i began to hear her regular breathing. i went and sat down on the edge of her bed to take that soothing cure of fresh air and contemplation. then i withdrew very gently so as not to awaken her
it was so late that, in the morning, i warned françoise to tread very softly when she had to p-ss by the door of albertine’s room. and so françoise, convinced that we had spent the night in what she used to call orgies, ironically warned the other servants not to ‘wake the princess.’ and this was one of the things that i dreaded, that françoise might one day be unable to contain herself any longer, might treat albertine with insolence, and that this might introduce complications into our life. françoise was now no longer, as at the time when it distressed her to see eulalie treated generously by my aunt, of an age to endure her jealousy with courage. it distorted, paralysed our old servant’s face to such an extent that at times i asked myself whether she had not, after some outburst of rage, had a slight stroke. having thus asked that albertine’s sleep should be respected, i was unable to sleep myself. i endeavoured to understand the true state of albertine’s mind. by that wretched farce which i had played, was it a real peril that i had averted, and, notwithstanding her -ssurance that she was so happy living with me, had she really felt at certain moments a longing for freedom, or on the contrary was i to believe what she said? which of these two hypotheses was the truth? if it often befell me, if it was in a special case to befall me that i must extend an incident in my past life to the dimensions of history, when i made an attempt to understand some political event; inversely, this morning, i did not cease to identify, in spite of all the differences and in an attempt to understand its bearing, our scene overnight with a diplomatic incident that had just occurred. i had perhaps the right to reason thus. for it was highly probable that, without my knowledge, the example of m. de charlus had guided me in that lying scene which i had so often seen him enact with such authority; on the other hand, was it in him anything else than an unconscious importation into the domain of his private life of the innate tendency of his germanic stock, provocative from guile and, from pride, belligerent at need. certain persons, among them the prince of monaco, having suggested the idea to the french government that, if it did not dispense with m. delc-ssé, a menacing germany would indeed declare war, the minister for foreign affairs had been asked to resign. so that the french government had admitted the hypothesis of an intention to make war upon us if we did not yield. but others thought that it was all a mere ‘bluff’ and that if france had stood firm germany would not have drawn the sword. no doubt the scenario was not merely different but almost opposite, since the threat of a rupture had not been put forward by albertine; but a series of impressions had led me to believe that she was thinking of it, as france had been led to believe about germany. on the other hand, if germany desired peace, to have provoked in the french government the idea that she was anxious for war was a disputable and dangerous trick. certainly, my conduct had been skilful enough, if it was the thought that i would never make up my mind to break with her that provoked in albertine sudden longings for independence. and was it not difficult to believe that she did not feel them, to shut one’s eyes to a whole secret existence, directed towards the satisfaction of her vice, simply on remarking the anger with which she had learned that i had gone to see the verdurins’, when she exclaimed: “i thought as much,” and went on to reveal everything by saying: “wasn’t mlle. vinteuil there?” all this was corroborated by albertine’s meeting with mme. verdurin of which andrée had informed me. but perhaps all the same these sudden longings for independence (i told myself, when i tried to go against my own instinct) were caused — supposing them to exist — or would eventually be caused by the opposite theory, to wit that i had never had any intention of marrying her, that it was when i made, as though involuntarily, an allusion to our approaching separation that i was telling the truth, that i would whatever happened part from her one day or another, a belief which the scene that i had made overnight could then only have confirmed and which might end by engendering in her the resolution: “if this is bound to happen one day or another, better to end everything at once.” the preparations for war which the most misleading of proverbs lays down as the best way to secure the triumph of peace, create first of all the belief in each of the adversaries that the other desires a rupture, a belief which brings the rupture about, and, when it has occurred, this further belief in each of them that it is the other that has sought it. even if the threat was not sincere, its success encourages a repet-tion. but the exact point to which a bluff may succeed is difficult to determine; if one party goes too far, the other which has previously yielded, advances in its turn; the first party, no longer able to change its method, accustomed to the idea that to seem not to fear a rupture is the best way of avoiding one (which is what i had done overnight with albertine), and moreover driven to prefer, in its pride, to fall rather than yield, perseveres in its threat until the moment when neither can draw back any longer. the bluff may also be blended with sincerity, may alternate with it, and it is possible that what was a game yesterday may become a reality tomorrow. finally it may also happen that one of the adversaries is really determined upon war, it might be that albertine, for instance, had the intention of, sooner or later, not continuing this life any longer, or on the contrary that the idea had never even entered her mind and that my imagination had invented the whole thing from start to finish. such were the different hypotheses which i considered while she lay asleep that morning. and yet as to the last i can say that i never, in the period that followed, threatened albertine with a rupture unless in response to an idea of an evil freedom on her part, an idea which she did not express to me, but which seemed to me to be implied by certain mysterious dissatisfactions, certain words, certain gestures, of which that idea was the only possible explanation and of which she refused to give me any other. even then, quite often, i remarked them without making any allusion to a possible separation, hoping that they were due to a fit of ill temper which would end that same day. but it continued at times without intermission for weeks on end, during which albertine seemed anxious to provoke a conflict, as though there had been at the time, in some region more or less remote, pleasures of which she knew, of which her seclusion in my house was depriving her, and which would continue to influence her until they came to an end, like those atmospheric changes which, even by our own fireside, affect our nerves, even when they are occurring as far away as the balearic islands
this morning, while albertine lay asleep and i was trying to guess what was concealed in her, i received a letter from my mother in which she expressed her anxiety at having heard nothing of what we had decided in this phrase of mme. de sévigné: “in my own mind i am convinced that he will not marry; but then, why trouble this girl whom he will never marry? why risk making her refuse suitors at whom she will never look again save with scorn? why disturb the mind of a person whom it would be so easy to avoid?” this letter from my mother brought me back to earth. “what am i doing, seeking a mysterious soul, interpreting a face and feeling myself overawed by presentiments which i dare not explore?” i asked myself. “i have been dreaming, the matter is quite simple. i am an undecided young man, and it is a question of one of those marriages as to which it takes time to find out whether they will happen or not. there is nothing in this peculiar to albertine.” this thought gave me an immense but a short relief. very soon i said to myself: “one can after all reduce everything, if one regards it in its social aspect, to the most commonplace item of newspaper gossip. from outside, it is perhaps thus that i should look at it. but i know well that what is true, what at least is also true, is everything that i have thought, is what i have read in albertine’s eyes, is the fears that torment me, is the problem that i incessantly set myself with regard to albertine. the story of the hesitating bridegroom and the broken engagement may correspond to this, as the report of a theatrical performance made by an intelligent reporter may give us the subject of one of ibsen’s plays. but there is something beyond those facts which are reported. it is true that this other thing exists perhaps, were we able to discern it, in all hesitating bridegrooms and in all the engagements that drag on, because there is perhaps an element of mystery in our everyday life.” it was possible for me to neglect it in the lives of other people, but albertine’s life and my own i was living from within
albertine no more said to me after this midnight scene than she had said before it: “i know that you do not trust me, i am going to try to dispel your suspicions.” but this idea, which she never expressed in words, might have served as an explanation of even her most trivial actions. not only did she take care never to be alone for a moment, so that i might not lack information as to what she had been doing, if i did not believe her own statements, but even when she had to telephone to andrée, or to the garage, or to the livery stable or elsewhere, she pretended that it was such a bore to stand about by herself waiting to telephone, what with the time the girls took to give you your number, and took care that i should be with her at such times, or, failing myself, françoise, as though she were afraid that i might imagine reprehensible conversations by telephone in which she would make mysterious -ssignations. alas, all this did not set my mind at rest. i had a day of discouragement. aimé had sent me back esther’s photograph, with a message that she was not the person. and so albertine had other intimate friends as well as this girl to whom, through her misunderstanding of what i said, i had, when i meant to refer to something quite different, discovered that she had given her photograph. i sent this photograph back to bloch. what i should have liked to see was the photograph that albertine had given to esther. how was she dressed in it? perhaps with a bare bosom, for all i knew. but i dared not mention it to albertine (for it would then have appeared that i had not seen the photograph), or to bloch, since i did not wish him to think that i was interested in albertine. and this life, which anyone who knew of my suspicions and her bondage would have seen to be agonising to myself and to albertine, was regarded from without, by françoise, as a life of unmerited pleasures of which full advantage was cunningly taken by that ‘trickstress’ and (as françoise said, using the feminine form far more often than the masculine, for she was more envious of women) ‘charlatante.’ indeed, as françoise, by contact with myself, had enriched her vocabulary with fresh terms, but had adapted them to her own style, she said of albertine that she had never known a person of such ‘perfidity,’ who was so skilful at ‘drawing my money’ by play-acting (which françoise, who was as pr-ne to mistake the particular for the general as the general for the particular and who had but a very vague idea of the various kinds of dramatic art, called ‘acting a pantomime’). perhaps for this error as to the true nature of the life led by albertine and myself, i was myself to some extent responsible owing to the vague confirmations of it which, when i was talking to françoise, i skilfully let fall, from a desire either to tease her or to appear, if not loved, at any rate happy. and yet my jealousy, the watch that i kept over albertine, which i would have given anything for françoise not to suspect, she was not long in discovering, guided, like the thought-reader who, groping blindfold, finds the hidden object, by that intuition which she possessed for anything that might be painful to me, which would not allow itself to be turned aside by the lies that i might tell in the hope of distracting her, and also by that clairvoyant hatred which urged her — even more than it urged her to believe her enemies more prosperous, more skilful hypocrites than they really were — to discover the secret that might prove their undoing and to precipitate their downfall. françoise certainly never made any scenes with albertine. but i was acquainted with françoise’s art of insinuation, the advantage that she knew how to derive from a significant setting, and i cannot believe that she resisted the temptation to let albertine know, day by day, what a degraded part she was playing in the household, to madden her by a description, cunningly exaggerated, of the confinement to which my mistress was subjected. on one occasion i found françoise, armed with a huge pair of spectacles, rummaging through my papers and replacing among them a sheet on which i had jotted down a story about swann and his utter inability to do without odette. had she maliciously left it lying in albertine’s room? besides, above all françoise’s innuendoes which had merely been, in the b-ss, the muttering and perfidious orchestration, it is probable that there must have risen, higher, clearer, more pressing, the accusing and calumnious voice of the verdurins, annoyed to see that albertine was involuntarily keeping me and that i was voluntarily keeping her away from the little clan. as for the money that i was spending upon albertine, it was almost impossible for me to conceal it from françoise, since i was unable to conceal any of my expenditure from her. françoise had few faults, but those faults had created in her, for their service, positive talents which she often lacked apart from the exercise of those faults. her chief fault was her curiosity as to all money spent by us upon people other than herself. if i had a bill to pay, a gratuity to give, it was useless my going into a corner, she would find a plate to be put in the right place, a napkin to be picked up, which would give her an excuse for approaching. and however short a time i allowed her, before dismissing her with fury, this woman who had almost lost her sight, who could barely add up a column of figures, guided by the same expert sense which makes a tailor, on catching sight of you, instinctively calculate the price of the stuff of which your coat is made, while he cannot resist fingering it, or makes a painter responsive to a colour effect, françoise saw by stealth, calculated instantaneously the amount that i was giving. and when, so that she might not tell albertine that i was corrupting her chauffeur, i took the initiative and, apologising for the tip, said: “i wanted to be generous to the chauffeur, i gave him ten francs”; françoise, pitiless, to whom a glance, that of an old and almost blind eagle, had been sufficient, replied: “no indeed, monsieur gave him a tip of 43 francs. he told monsieur that the charge was 45 francs, monsieur gave him 100 francs, and he handed back only 12 francs.” she had had time to see and to reckon the amount of the gratuity which i myself did not know. i asked myself whether albertine, feeling herself watched, would not herself put into effect that separation with which i had threatened her, for life in its changing course makes realities of our fables. whenever i heard a door open, i felt myself shudder as my grandmother used to shudder in her last moments whenever i rang my bell. i did not believe that she would leave the house without telling me, but it was my unconscious self that thought so, as it was my grandmother’s unconscious self that throbbed at the sound of the bell, when she was no longer conscious. one morning indeed, i felt a sudden misgiving that she not only had left the house but had gone for good: i had just heard the sound of a door which seemed to me to be that of her room. on tiptoe i crept towards the room, opened the door, stood upon the threshold. in the dim light the bedclothes bulged in a semi-circle, that must be albertine who, with her body bent, was sleeping with her feet and face to the wall. only, overflowing the bed, the hair upon that head, abundant and dark, made me realise that it was she, that she had not opened her door, had not stirred, and i felt that this motionless and living semi-circle, in which a whole human life was contained and which was the only thing to which i attached any value, i felt that it was there, in my despotic possession
if albertine’s object was to restore my peace of mind, she was partly successful; my reason moreover asked nothing better than to prove to me that i had been mistaken as to her crafty plans, as i had perhaps been mistaken as to her vicious instincts. no doubt i added to the value of the arguments with which my reason furnished me my own desire to find them sound. but, if i was to be fair and to have a chance of perceiving the truth, unless we admit that it is never known save by presentiment, by a telepathic emanation, must i not say to myself that if my reason, in seeking to bring about my recovery, let itself be guided by my desire, on the other hand, so far as concerned mlle. vinteuil, albertine’s vices, her intention to lead a different life, her plan of separation, which were the corollaries of her vices, my instinct had been capable, in the attempt to make me ill, of being led astray by my jealousy. besides, her seclusion, which albertine herself contrived so ingeniously to render absolute, by removing my suffering, removed by degrees my suspicion and i could begin again, when the night brought back my uneasiness, to find in albertine’s presence the consolation of earlier days. seated beside my bed, she spoke to me of one of those dresses or one of those presents which i never ceased to give her in the effort to enhance the comfort of her life and the beauty of her prison. albertine had at first thought only of dresses and furniture. now silver had begun to interest her. and so i had questioned m. de charlus about old french silver, and had done so because, when we had been planning to have a yacht — a plan which albertine decided was impracticable, as i did also whenever i had begun to believe in her virtue, with the result that my jealousy, as it declined, no longer held in check other desires in which she had no place and which also needed money for their satisfaction — we had, to be on the safe side, not that she supposed that we should ever have a yacht, asked elstir for his advice. now, just as in matters of women’s dress, the painter was a refined and sensitive critic of the furnishing of yachts. he would allow only english furniture and old silver. this had led albertine, since our return from balbec, to read books upon the silversmith’s art, upon the handiwork of the old chasers. but as our old silver was melted twice over, at the time of the treaty of utrecht when the king himself, setting the example to his great n0bles, sacrificed his plate, and again in 1789, it is now extremely rare. on the other hand, it is true that modern silversmiths have managed to copy all this old plate from the drawings of le pont-aux-choux, elstir considered this modern antique unworthy to enter the home of a woman of taste, even a floating home. i knew that albertine had read the description of the marvels that roelliers had made for mme. du barry. if any of these pieces remained, she was dying to see them, and i to give them to her. she had even begun to form a neat collection which she installed with charming taste in a gl-ss case and at which i could not look without emotion and alarm, for the art with which she arranged them was that born of patience, ingenuity, home-sickness, the need to forget, in which prisoners excel. in the matter of dress, what appealed to her most at this time was everything that was made by fortuny. these fortuny gowns, one of which i had seen mme. de guermantes wearing, were those of which elstir, when he told us about the magnificent garments of the women of carpaccio’s and t-tian’s day, had prophesied the speedy return, rising from their ashes, sumptuous, for everything must return in time, as it is written beneath the vaults of saint mark’s, and proclaimed, where they drink from the urns of marble and jasper of the byzantine capitals, by the birds which symbolise at once death and resurrection. as soon as women had begun to wear them, albertine had remembered elstir’s prophecy, she had desired to have one and we were to go and choose it. now these gowns, even if they were not those genuine antiques in which women to-day seem a little too much ‘in fancy dress’ and which it is preferable to keep as pieces in a collection (i was in search of these also, as it happens, for albertine), could not be said to have the chilling effect of the artificial, the sham antique. like the theatrical designs of sert, bakst and benoist who at that moment were recreating in the russian ballet the most cherished periods of art — with the aid of works of art impregnated with their spirit and yet original — these fortuny gowns, faithfully antique but markedly original, brought before the eye like a stage setting, with an even greater suggestiveness than a setting, since the setting was left to the imagination, that venice loaded with the gorgeous east from which they had been taken, of which they were, even more than a relic in the shrine of saint mark suggesting the sun and a group of turbaned heads, the fragmentary, mysterious and complementary colour. everything of those days had perished, but everything was born again, evoked to fill the sp-ce between them with the splendour of the scene and the hum of life, by the reappearance, detailed and surviving, of the fabrics worn by the doges’ ladies. i had tried once or twice to obtain advice upon this subject from mme. de guermantes. but the d-ch-ss cared little for garments which form a ‘costume.’ she herself, though she possessed several, never looked so well as in black velvet with diamonds. and with regard to gowns like fortuny’s, her advice was not of any great value. besides, i felt a scruple, if i asked for it, lest she might think that i called upon her only when i happened to need her help, whereas for a long time past i had been declining several invitations from her weekly. it was not only from her, moreover, that i received them in such profusion. certainly, she and many other women had always been extremely kind to me. but my seclusion had undoubtedly multiplied their hospitality tenfold. it seems that in our social life, a minor echo of what occurs in love, the best way for a man to make himself sought-after is to withhold himself. a man calculates everything that he can possibly cite to his credit, in order to find favour with a woman, changes his clothes all day long, pays attention to his appearance, she does not pay him a single one of the attentions which he receives from the other woman to whom, while he betrays her, and in spite of his appearing before her ill-dressed and without any artifice to attract, he has endeared himself for ever. similarly, if a man were to regret that he was not sufficiently courted in society, i should not advise him to pay more calls, to keep an even finer carriage, i should tell him not to accept any invitation, to live shut up in his room, to admit n0body, and that then there would be a queue outside his door. or rather i should not tell him so. for it is a certain road to success which succeeds only like the road to love, that is to say if one has not adopted it with that object in view, if, for instance, you confine yourself to your room because you are seriously ill, or are supposed to be, or are keeping a mistress shut up with you whom you prefer to society (or for all these reasons at once), this will justify another person, who is not aware of the woman’s existence, and simply because you decline to see him, in preferring you to all the people who offer themselves, and attaching himself to you
“we shall have to begin to think soon about your fortuny gowns,” i said to albertine one evening. surely, to her who had long desired them, who chose them deliberately with me, who had a place reserved for them beforehand not only in her wardrobe but in her imagination, the possession of these gowns, every detail of which, before deciding among so many, she carefully examined, was something more than it would have been to an overwealthy woman who has more dresses than she knows what to do with and never even looks at them. and yet, notwithstanding the smile with which albertine thanked me, saying: “you are too kind,” i noticed how weary, and even wretched, she was looking
while we waited for these gowns to be ready, i used to borrow others of the kind, sometimes indeed merely the stuffs, and would dress albertine in them, drape them over her; she walked about my room with the majesty of a doge’s wife and the grace of a mannequin. only my captivity in paris was made more burdensome by the sight of these garments which suggested venice. true, albertine was far more of a prisoner than i. and it was curious to remark how, through the walls of her prison, destiny, which transforms people, had contrived to p-ss, to change her in her very essence, and turn the girl i had known at balbec into a tedious and docile captive. yes, the walls of her prison had not prevented that influence from reaching her; perhaps indeed it was they that had produced it. it was no longer the same albertine, because she was not, as at balbec, incessantly in flight upon her bicycle, never to be found owing to the number of little watering-places where she would go to spend the night with her girl friends and where moreover her untruths made it more difficult to lay hands upon her; because confined to my house, docile and alone, she was no longer even what at balbec, when i had succeeded in finding her, she used to be upon the beach, that fugitive, cautious, cunning creature, whose presence was enlarged by the thought of all those -ssignations which she was sk!lled in concealing, which made one love her because they made one suffer, in whom, beneath her coldness to other people and her casual answers, one could feel yesterday’s -ssignation and to-morrow’s, and for myself a contemptuous, deceitful thought; because the sea breeze no longer buffeted her skirts, because, above all, i had clipped her wings, she had ceased to be a victory, was a burdensome slave of whom i would fain have been rid
then, to change the course of my thoughts, rather than begin a game of cards or draughts with albertine, i asked her to give me a little music. i remained in bed, and she went and sat down at the end of the room before the pianola, between the two bookcases. she chose pieces which were quite new or which she had played to me only once or twice, for, as she began to know me better, she had learned that i liked to fix my thoughts only upon what was still obscure to me, glad to be able, in the course of these successive renderings, to join together, thanks to the increasing but, alas, distorting and alien light of my intellect, the fragmentary and interrupted lines of the structure which at first had been almost hidden in the mist. she knew and, i think, understood, the joy that my mind derived, at these first hearings, from this task of modelling a still shapeless nebula. she guessed that at the third or fourth repet-tion my intellect, having reached, having consequently placed at the same distance, all the parts, and having no longer any activity to spare for them, had reciprocally extended and arrested them upon a uniform plane. she did not, however, proceed at once to a fresh piece, for, without perhaps having any clear idea of the process that was going on in my mind, she knew that at the moment when the effort of my intellect had succeeded in dispelling the mystery of a work, it was very rarely that, in compensation, it did not, in the course of its task of destruction, pick up some profitable reflexion. and when in time albertine said: “we might give this roll to françoise and get her to change it for something else,” often there was for me a piece of music less in the world, perhaps, but a truth the more. while she was playing, of all albertine’s multiple tresses i could see but a single loop of black hair in the shape of a heart trained at the side of her ear like the riband of a velasquez infanta. just as the substance of that angel musician was const-tuted by the multiple journeys between the different points in past time which the memory of her occupied in myself, and its different abodes, from my vision to the most inward sensations of my being, which helped me to descend into the intimacy of hers, so the music that she played had also a volume, produced by the inconstant visibility of the different phrases, accordingly as i had more or less succeeded in throwing a light upon them and in joining together the lines of a structure which at first had seemed to me to be almost completely hidden in the fog
i was so far convinced that it was absurd to be jealous of mlle. vinteuil and her friend, inasmuch as albertine since her confession had made no attempt to see them and among all the plans for a holiday in the country which we had formed had herself rejected combray, so near to montjouvain, that, often, what i would ask albertine to play to me, without its causing me any pain, would be some music by vinteuil. once only this music had been an indirect cause of my jealousy. this was when albertine, who knew that i had heard it performed at mme. verdurin’s by morel, spoke to me one evening about him, expressing a keen desire to go and hear him play and to make his acquaintance. this, as it happened, was shortly after i had learned of the letter, unintentionally intercepted by m. de charlus, from léa to morel. i asked myself whether léa might not have mentioned him to albertine. the words: ‘you bad woman, you naughty old girl’ came to my horrified mind. but precisely because vinteuil’s music was in this way painfully -ssociated with léa — and no longer with mlle. vinteuil and her friend — when the grief that léa caused me was soothed, i could then listen to this music without pain; one malady had made me immune to any possibility of the others. in this music of vinteuil, phrases that i had not noticed at mme. verdurin’s, obscure phantoms that were then indistinct, turned into dazzling architectural structures; and some of them became friends, whom i had barely made out at first, who at best had appeared to me to be ugly, so that i could never have supposed that they were like those people, unattractive at first sight, whom we discover to be what they really are only after we have come to know them well. from one state to the other was a positive transm-tation. on the other hand, phrases that i had distinguished at once in the music that i had heard at mme. verdurin’s, but had not then recognised, i identified now with phrases from other works, such as that phrase from the sacred variation for the organ which, at mme. verdurin’s, had p-ssed unperceived by me in the septet, where nevertheless, a saint that had stepped down from the sanctuary, it found itself consorting with the composer’s familiar fays. finally, the phrase that had seemed to me too little melodious, too mechanical in its rhythm, of the swinging joy of bells at noon, had now become my favourite, whether because i had grown accustomed to its ugliness or because i had discovered its beauty. this reaction from the disappointment which great works of art cause at first may in fact be attributed to a weakening of the initial impression or to the effort necessary to lay bare the truth. two hypotheses which suggest themselves in all important questions, questions of the truth of art, of the truth of the immortality of the soul; we must choose between them; and, in the case of vinteuil’s music, this choice presented itself at every moment under a variety of forms. for instance, this music seemed to me to be something truer than all the books that i knew. sometimes i thought that this was due to the fact that what we feel in life, not being felt in the form of ideas, its literary (that is to say an intellectual) translation in giving an account of it, explains it, -n-lyses it, but does not recompose it as does music, in which the sounds seem to -ssume the inflexion of the thing itself, to reproduce that interior and extreme point of our sensation which is the part that gives us that peculiar exhilaration which we recapture from time to time and which when we say: “what a fine day! what glorious sunshine!” we do not in the least communicate to our neighbour, in whom the same sun and the same weather arouse wholly different vibrations. in vinteuil’s music, there were thus some of those visions which it is impossible to express and almost forbidden to record, since, when at the moment of falling asleep we receive the caress of their unreal enchantment, at that very moment in which reason has already deserted us, our eyes are already sealed, and before we have had time to know not merely the ineffable but the invisible, we are asleep. it seemed to me indeed when i abandoned myself to this hypothesis that art might be real, that it was something even more than the simply nervous joy of a fine day or an opiate night that music can give; a more real, more fruitful exhilaration, to judge at least by what i felt. it is not possible that a piece of sculpture, a piece of music which gives us an emotion which we feel to be more exalted, more pure, more true, does not correspond to some definite spiritual reality. it is surely symbolical of one, since it gives that impression of profundity and truth. thus nothing resembled more closely than some such phrase of vinteuil the peculiar pleasure which i had felt at certain moments in my life, when gazing, for instance, at the steeples of martinville, or at certain trees along a road near balbec, or, more simply, in the first part of this book, when i tasted a certain cup of tea
without pressing this comparison farther, i felt that the clear sounds, the blazing colours which vinteuil sent to us from the world in which he composed, paraded before my imagination with insistence but too rapidly for me to be able to apprehend it, something which i might compare to the perfumed silkiness of a geranium. only, whereas, in memory, this vagueness may be, if not explored, at any rate fixed precisely, thanks to a guiding line of circ-mstances which explain why a certain savour has been able to recall to us luminous sensations, the vague sensations given by vinteuil coming not from a memory but from an impression (like that of the steeples of martinville), one would have had to find, for the geranium scent of his music, not a material explanation, but the profound equivalent, the unknown and highly coloured festival (of which his works seemed to be the scattered fragments, the scarlet-flashing rifts), the mode in which he ‘heard’ the universe and projected it far beyond himself. this unknown quality of a unique world which no other composer had ever made us see, perhaps it is in this, i said to albertine, that the most authentic proof of g*nius consists, even more than in the content of the work itself. “even in literature?” albertine inquired. “even in literature.” and thinking again of the monotony of vinteuil’s works, i explained to albertine that the great men of letters have never created more than a single work, or rather have never done more than refract through various mediums an identical beauty which they bring into the world. “if it were not so late, my child,” i said to her, “i would shew you this quality in all the writers whose works you read while i am asleep, i would shew you the same ident-ty as in vinteuil. these typical phrases, which you are beginning to recognise as i do, my little albertine, the same in the sonata, in the septet, in the other works, would be for instance, if you like, in barbey d’aurevilly, a hidden reality revealed by a material trace, the physiological blush of l’ensorcelée, of aimée de spens, of la clotte, the hand of the rideau cramoisi, the old manners and customs, the old words, the ancient and peculiar trades behind which there is the past, the oral history compiled by the rustics of the manor, the n0ble norman cities redolent of england and charming as a scots village, the cause of curses against which one can do nothing, the vellini, the shepherd, a similar sensation of anxiety in a p-ssage, whether it be the wife seeking her husband in une vieille maîtresse, or the husband in l’ensorcelée scouring the plain and the ‘ensorcelée’ herself coming out from m-ss. there are other typical phrases in vinteuil like that stonemason’s geometry in the novels of thomas hardy.”
vinteuil’s phrases made me think of the ‘little phrase’ and i told albertine that it had been so to speak the national anthem of the love of swann and odette, “the parents of gilberte whom you know. you told me that she was not a bad girl. but didn’t she attempt to have relations with you? she has mentioned you to me.” “yes, you see, her parents used to send a carriage to fetch her from our lessons when the weather was bad, i believe she took me home once and kissed me,” she said, after a momentary pause, with a laugh, and as though it were an amusing confession. “she asked me all of a sudden whether i was fond of women.” (but if she only believed that she remembered that gilberte had taken her home, how could she say with such precision that gilberte had asked her this odd question?) “in fact, i don’t know what absurd idea came into my head to make a fool of her, i told her that i was.” (one would have said that albertine was afraid that gilberte had told me this and did not wish me to come to the conclusion that she was lying.) “but we did nothing at all.” (it was strange, if they had exchanged confidences, that they should have done nothing, especially as, before this, they had kissed, according to albertine.) “she took me home like that four or five times, perhaps more, and that is all.” it cost me a great effort not to ply her with further questions, but, mastering myself so as to appear not to be attaching any importance to all this, i returned to thomas hardy. “do you remember the stonemasons in jude the obscure, in the well-beloved, the blocks of stone which the father hews out of the island coming in boats to be piled up in the son’s studio where they are turned into statues; in a pair of blue eyes the parallelism of the tombs, and also the parallel line of the vessel, and the railway coaches containing the lovers and the dead woman; the parallelism between the well-beloved, where the man is in love with three women, and a pair of blue eyes where the woman is in love with three men, and in short all those novels which can be laid one upon another like the vertically piled houses upon the rocky soil of the island. i cannot summarise the greatest writers like this in a moment’s talk, but you would see in stendhal a certain sense of alt-tude combining with the life of the spirit: the lofty place in which julien sorel is imprisoned, the tower on the summit of which fabrice is confined, the belfry in which the abbé blanès pores over his astrology and from which fabrice has such a magnificent bird’s-eye view. you told me that you had seen some of vermeer’s pictures, you must have realised that they are fragments of an identical world, that it is always, however great the g*nius with which they have been recreated, the same table, the same carpet, the same woman, the same novel and unique beauty, an enigma, at that epoch in which nothing resembles or explains it, if we seek to find similarities in subjects but to isolate the peculiar impression that is produced by the colour. well, then, this novel beauty remains identical in all dostoievski’s works, the dostoïevski woman (as distinctive as a rembrandt woman) with her mysterious face, whose engaging beauty changes abruptly, as though her apparent good nature had been but make-believe, to a terrible insolence (although at heart it seems that she is more good than bad), is she not always the same, whether it be nastasia philipovna writing love letters to aglaé and telling her that she hates her, or in a visit which is wholly identical with this — as also with that in which nastasia philipovna insults vania’s family — grouchenka, as charming in katherina ivanovna’s house as the other had supposed her to be terrible, then suddenly revealing her malevolence by insulting katherina ivanovna (although grouchenka is good at heart); grouchenka, nastasia, figures as original, as mysterious not merely as carpaccio’s courtesans but as rembrandt’s bathsheba. as, in vermeer, there is the creation of a certain soul, of a certain colour of fabrics and places, so there is in dostoievski creation not only of people but of their homes, and the house of the murder in crime and punishment with its dvornik, is it not almost as marvellous as the masterpiece of the house of murder in dostoievski, that sombre house, so long, and so high, and so huge, of rogojin in which he k!lls nastasia philipovna. that novel and terrible beauty of a house, that novel beauty blended with a woman’s face, that is the unique thing which dostoievski has given to the world, and the comparisons that literary critics may make, between him and gogol, or between him and paul de k-ck, are of no interest, being external to this secret beauty. besides, if i have said to you that it is, from one novel to another, the same scene, it is in the comp-ss of a single novel that the same scenes, the same characters reappear if the novel is at all long. i could ill-strate this to you easily in war and peace, and a certain scene in a carriage. . . . ” “i didn’t want to interrupt you, but now that i see that you are leaving dostoïevski, i am afraid of forgetting. my dear boy, what was it you meant the other day when you said: ‘it is, so to speak, the dostoïevski side of mme. de sévigné.’ i must confess that i did not understand. it seems to me so different.” “come, little girl, let me give you a kiss to thank you for remembering so well what i say, you shall go back to the pianola afterwards. and i must admit that what i said was rather stupid. but i said it for two reasons. the first is a special reason. what i meant was that mme. de sévigné, like elstir, like dostoïevski, instead of presenting things in their logical sequence, that is to say beginning with the cause, shews us first of all the effect, the illusion that strikes us. that is how dostoïevski presents his characters. their actions seem to us as misleading as those effects in elstir’s pictures where the sea appears to be in the sky. we are quite surprised to find that some sullen person is really the best of men, or vice versa.” “yes, but give me an example in mme. de sévigné.” “i admit,” i answered her with a laugh, “that i am splitting hairs very fine, but still i could find examples..” “but did he ever murder anyone, dostoïevski? the novels of his that i know might all be called the story of a crime. it is an obsession with him, it is not natural that he should always be talking about it.” “i don’t think so, dear albertine, i know little about his life. it is certain that, like everyone else, he was acquainted with sin, in one form or another, and probably in a form which the laws condemn. in that sense he must have been more or less criminal, like his heroes (not that they are altogether heroes, for that matter), who are found guilty with attenuating circ-mstances. and it is not perhaps necessary that he himself should have been a criminal. i am not a novelist; it is possible that creative writers are tempted by certain forms of life of which they have no personal experience. if i come with you to versailles as we arranged, i shall shew you the portrait of the ultra-respectable man, the best of husbands, choderlos de laclos, who wrote the most appallingly corrupt book, and facing it that of mme. de genlis who wrote moral tales and was not content with betraying the d-ch-sse d’orléans but tormented her by turning her children against her. i admit all the same that in dostoïevski this preoccupation with murder is something extraordinary which makes him very alien to me. i am stupefied enough when i hear baudelaire say:
si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l’incendie
n’ont pas encor brodé de leurs plaisants dessins
le canevas b-n-l de nos piteux destins
c’est que notre âme, hélas! n’est pas -ssez hardie
but i can at least -ssume that baudelaire is not sincere. whereasdostoïevski. . . . all that sort of thing seems to me as remote from myself as possible, unless there are parts of myself of which i know nothing, for we realise our own nature only in course of time. in dostoïevski i find the deepest penetration but only into certain isolated regions of the human soul. but he is a great creator. for one thing, the world which he describes does really appear to have been created by him. all those buffoons who keep on reappearing, like lebedeff, karamazoff, ivolghin, segreff, that incredible procession, are a humanity more fantastic than that which peoples rembrandt’s night watch. and perhaps it is fantastic only in the same way, by the effect of lighting and costume, and is quite normal really. in any case it is at the same time full of profound and unique truths, which belong only to dostoïevski. they almost suggest, those buffoons, some trade or calling that no longer exists, like certain characters in the old drama, and yet how they reveal true aspects of the human soul! what astonishes me is the solemn manner in which people talk and write about dostoïevski. have you ever noticed the part that self-respect and pride play in his characters? one would say that, to him, love and the most p-ssionate hatred, goodness and treachery, timidity and insolence are merely two states of a single nature, their self-respect, their pride preventing aglaé, nastasia, the captain whose beard mitia pulls, kr-ssotkin, aliosha’s enemy-friend, from shewing themselves in their true colours. but there are many other great p-ssages as well. i know very few of his books. but is it not a sculpturesque and simple theme, worthy of the most cl-ssical art, a frieze interrupted and resumed on which the tale of vengeance and expiation is unfolded, the crime of old karamazoff getting the poor idiot with child, the mysterious, animal, unexplained impulse by which the mother, herself unconsciously the instrument of an avenging destiny, obeying also obscurely her maternal instinct, feeling perhaps a combination of physical resentment and grat-tude towards her seducer, comes to bear her child on old karamazoffs ground. this is the first episode, mysterious, grand, august as a creation of woman among the sculptures at orvieto. and as counterpart, the second episode more than twenty years later, the murder of old karamazoff, the disgrace brought upon the karamazoff family by this son of the idiot, smerdiakoff, followed shortly afterwards by another action, as mysteriously sculpturesque and unexplained, of a beauty as obscure and natural as that of the childbirth in old karamazoff’s garden, smerdiakoff hanging himself, his crime accomplished. as for dostoïevski, i was not straying so far from him as you thought when i mentioned tolstoi who has imitated him closely. in dostoïevski there is, concentrated and fretful, a great deal of what was to blossom later on in tolstoi. there is, in dostoïevski, that proleptic gloom of the primitives which their disciples will brighten and dispel.” “my dear boy, what a terrible thing it is that you are so lazy. just look at your view of literature, so far more interesting than the way we were made to study it; the essays that they used to make us write upon esther: ‘monsieur,’— you remember,” she said with a laugh, less from a desire to make fun of her masters and herself than from the pleasure of finding in her memory, in our common memory, a relic that was already almost venerable. but while she was speaking, and i continued to think of vinteuil, it was the other, the materialist hypothesis, that of there being nothing, that in turn presented itself to my mind. i began to doubt, i said to myself that after all it might be the case that, if vinteuil’s phrases seemed to be the expression of certain states of the soul -n-logous to that which i had experienced when i tasted the madeleine that had been dipped in a cup of tea, there was nothing to -ssure me that the vagueness of such states was a sign of their profundity rather than of our not having learned yet to -n-lyse them, so that there need be nothing more real in them than in other states. and yet that happiness, that sense of certainty in happiness while i was drinking the cup of tea, or when i smelt in the champs-elysées a smell of mouldering wood, was not an illusion. in any case, whispered the spirit of doubt, even if these states are more profound than others that occur in life, and defy -n-lysis for the very reason that they bring into play too many forces which we have not yet taken into consideration, the charm of certain phrases of vinteuil’s music makes us think of them because it too defies -n-lysis, but this does not prove that it has the same depth; the beauty of a phrase of pure music can easily appear to be the image of or at least akin to an intellectual impression which we have received, but simply because it is unintellectual. and why then do we suppose to be specially profound those mysterious phrases which haunt certain works, including this septet by vinteuil?
it was not, however, his music alone that albertine played me; the pianola was to us at times like a scientific magic lantern (historical and geographical) and on the walls of this room in paris, supplied with inventions more modern than that of combray days, i would see, accordingly as albertine played me rameau or borodin, extend before me now an eighteenth century tapestry sprinkled with cupids and roses, now the eastern steppe in which sounds are m-ffled by boundless distances and the soft carpet of snow. and these fleeting decorations were as it happened the only ones in my room, for if, at the time of inheriting my aunt léonie’s fortune, i had vowed that i would become a collector like swann, would buy pictures, statues, all my money went upon securing horses, a motorcar, dresses for albertine. but did not my room contain a work of art more precious than all these — albertine herself? i looked at her. it was strange to me to think that it was she, she whom i had for so long thought it impossible even to know, who now, a wild beast tamed, a rosebush to which i had acted as trainer, as the framework, the trellis of its life, was seated thus, day by day, at home, by my side, before the pianola, with her back to my bookcase. her shoulders, which i had seen bowed and resentful when she was carrying her golf-clubs, were leaning against my books. her shapely legs, which at first i had quite reasonably imagined as having trodden throughout her girlhood the pedals of a bicycle, now rose and fell alternately upon those of the pianola, upon which albertine who had acquired a distinction which made me feel her more my own, because it was from myself that it came, pressed her shoes of cloth of gold. her fingers, at one time trained to the handle-bars, now rested upon the keys like those of a saint cecilia. her throat the curve of which, seen from my bed, was strong and full, at that distance and in the lamplight appeared more rosy, less rosy, however, than her face presented in profile, to which my gaze, issuing from the innermost depths of myself, charged with memories and burning with desire, added such a brilliancy, such an intensity of life that its relief seemed to stand out and turn with almost the same magic power as on the day, in the hotel at balbec, when my vision was clouded by my overpowering desire to kiss her; i prolonged each of its surfaces beyond what i was able to see and beneath what concealed it from me and made me feel all the more strongly — eyelids which half hid her eyes, hair that covered the upper part of her cheeks — the relief of those superimposed planes. her eyes shone like, in a matrix in which the opal is still embedded, the two facets which alone have as yet been polished, which, become more brilliant than metal, reveal, in the midst of the blind matter that enc-mbers them, as it were the mauve, silken wings of a b-tterfly placed under gl-ss. her dark, curling hair, presenting a different appearance whenever she turned to ask me what she was to play next, now a splendid wing, sharp at the tip, broad at the base, feathered and triangular, now weaving the relief of its curls in a strong and varied chain, a m-ss of crests, of watersheds, of precipices, with its incisions so rich and so multiple, seemed to exceed the variety that nature normally realises and to correspond rather to the desire of a sculptor who acc-mulates difficulties in order to bring into greater prominence the suppleness, the fire, the moulding, the life of his execution, and brought out more strongly, by interrupting in order to resume them, the animated curve, and, as it were, the rotation of the smooth and rosy face, of the polished dulness of a piece of painted wood. and, in contrast with all this relief, by the harmony also which united them with her, which had adapted her att-tude to their form and purpose, the pianola which half concealed her like the keyboard of an organ, the bookcase, the whole of that corner of the room seemed to be reduced to nothing more than the lighted sanctuary, the shrine of this angel musician, a work of art which, presently, by a charming magic, was to detach itself from its niche and offer to my kisses its precious, rosy substance. but no, albertine was in no way to me a work of art. i knew what it meant to admire a woman in an artistic fashion, i had known swann. for my own part, moreover, i was, no matter who the woman might be, incapable of doing so, having no sort of power of detached observation, never knowing what it was that i beheld, and i had been amazed when swann added retrospectively for me an artistic dignity — by comparing her, as he liked to do with gallantry to her face, to some portrait by luini, by finding in her attire the gown or the jewels of a picture by giorgione — to a woman who had seemed to me to be devoid of interest. nothing of that sort with me. the pleasure and the pain that i derived from albertine never took, in order to reach me, the line of taste and intellect; indeed, to tell the truth, when i began to regard albertine as an angel musician glazed with a marvellous patina whom i congratulated myself upon possessing, it was not long before i found her uninteresting; i soon became bored in her company, but these moments were of brief duration; we love only that in which we pursue something inaccessible, we love only what we do not possess, and very soon i returned to the conclusion that i did not possess albertine. in her eyes i saw p-ss now the hope, now the memory, perhaps the regret of joys which i could not guess, which in that case she preferred to renounce rather than tell me of them, and which, gathering no more of them than certain flashes in her pupils, i no more perceived than does the spectator who has been refused admission to the theatre, and who, his face glued to the gl-ss panes of the door, can take in nothing of what is happening upon the stage. i do not know whether this was the case with her, but it is a strange thing, and so to speak a testimony by the most incredulous to their belief in good, this perseverance in falsehood shewn by all those who deceive us. it is no good our telling them that their lie hurts us more than a confession, it is no good their realising this for themselves, they will start lying again a moment later, to remain consistent with their original statement of how much we meant to them. similarly an atheist who values his life will let himself be burned alive rather than allow any contradiction of the popular idea of his courage. during these hours, i used sometimes to see hover over her face, in her gaze, in her pout, in her smile, the reflexion of those inward visions the contemplation of which made her on these evenings unlike her usual self, remote from me to whom they were denied. “what are you thinking about, my darling?” “why, nothing.” sometimes, in answer to this reproach that she told me nothing, she would at one moment tell me things which she was not unaware that i knew as well as anyone (like those statesmen who will never give you the least bit of news, but speak to you instead of what you could read for yourself in the papers the day before), at another would describe without the least precision, in a sort of false confidence, bicycle rides that she had taken at balbec, the year before our first meeting. and as though i had guessed aright long ago, when i inferred from it that she must be a girl who was allowed a great deal of freedom, who went upon long jaunts, the mention of those rides insinuated between albertine’s lips the same mysterious smile that had captivated me in those first days on the front at balbec. she spoke to me also of the excursions that she had made with some girl-friends through the dutch countryside, of returning to amsterdam in the evening, at a late hour, when a dense and happy crowd of people almost all of whom she knew, thronged the streets, the c-n-l towpaths, of which i felt that i could see reflected in albertine’s brilliant eyes as in the glancing windows of a fast-moving carriage, the innumerable, fl!ckering fires. since what is called aesthetic curiosity would deserve rather the name of indifference in comparison with the painful, unwearying curiosity that i felt as to the places in which albertine had stayed, as to what she might have been doing on a particular evening, her smiles, the expressions in her eyes, the words that she had uttered, the kisses that she had received. no, never would the jealousy that i had felt one day of saint-loup, if it had persisted, have caused me this immense uneasiness. this love of woman for woman was something too unfamiliar; nothing enabled me to form a certain, an accurate idea of its pleasures, its quality. how many people, how many places (even places which did not concern her directly, vague pleasure resorts where she might have enjoyed some pleasure), how many scenes (wherever there was a crowd, where people could brush against her) albertine — like a person who, shepherding all her escort, a whole company, past the barrier in front of her, secures their admission to the theatre — from the threshold of my imagination or of my memory, where i paid no attention to them, had introduced into my heart! now the knowledge that i had of them was internal, immediate, spasmodic, painful. love, what is it but sp-ce and time rendered perceptible by the heart
and yet perhaps, had i myself been entirely faithful, i should have suffered because of infidelities which i would have been incapable of conceiving, whereas what it tortured me to imagine in albertine was my own perpetual desire to find favour with fresh ladies, to plan fresh romances, was to suppose her guilty of the glance which i had been unable to resist casting, the other day, even when i was by her side, at the young bicyclists seated at tables in the bois de boulogne. as we have no personal knowledge, one might almost say that we can feel no jealousy save of ourselves. observation counts for little. it is only from the pleasure that we ourselves have felt that we can derive knowledge and grief
at moments, in albertine’s eyes, in the sudden inflammation of her cheeks, i felt as it were a gust of warmth p-ss furtively into regions more inaccessible to me than the sky, in which albertine’s memories, unknown to me, lived and moved. then this beauty which, when i thought of the various years in which i had known albertine whether upon the beach at balbec or in paris, i found that i had but recently discovered in her, and which consisted in the fact that my mistress was developing upon so many planes and embodied so many past days, this beauty became almost heartrending. then beneath that blushing face i felt that there yawned like a gulf the inexhaustible expanse of the evenings when i had not known albertine. i might, if i chose, take albertine upon my knee, take her head in my hands; i might caress her, p-ss my hands slowly over her, but, just as if i had been handling a stone which encloses the salt of immemorial oceans or the light of a star, i felt that i was touching no more than the sealed envelope of a person who inwardly reached to infinity. how i suffered from that position to which we are reduced by the carelessness of nature which, when inst-tuting the division of bodies, never thought of making possible the interpénétration of souls (for if her body was in the power of mine, her mind escaped from the grasp of mine). and i became aware that albertine was not even for me the marvellous captive with whom i had thought to enrich my home, while i concealed her presence there as completely, even from the friends who came to see me and never suspected that she was at the end of the corridor, in the room next to my own, as did that man of whom n0body knew that he kept sealed in a bottle the princess of china; urging me with a cruel and fruitless pressure to the remembrance of the past, she resembled, if anything, a mighty goddess of time. and if it was necessary that i should lose for her sake years, my fortune — and provided that i can say to myself, which is by no means certain, alas, that she herself lost nothing — i have nothing to regret. no doubt solitude would have been better, more fruitful, less painful. but if i had led the life of a collector which swann counselled (the joys of which m. de charlus reproached me with not knowing, when, with a blend of wit, insolence and good taste, he said to me: “how ugly your rooms are!”) what statues, what pictures long pursued, at length possessed, or even, to put it in the best light, contemplated with detachment, would, like the little wound which healed quickly enough, but which the unconscious clumsiness of albertine, of people generally, or of my own thoughts was never long in reopening, have given me access beyond my own boundaries, upon that avenue which, private though it be, debouches upon the high road along which p-sses what we learn to know only from the day on which it has made us suffer, the life of other people?
sometimes the moon was so bright that, an hour after albertine had gone to bed, i would go to her bedside to tell her to look at it through the window. i am certain that it was for this reason that i went to her room and not to -ssure myself that she was really there. what likelihood was there of her being able, had she wished, to escape? that would have required an improbable collusion with françoise. in the dim room, i could see nothing save on the whiteness of the pillow a slender diadem of dark hair. but i could hear albertine’s breath. her slumber was so profound that i hesitated at first to go as far as the bed. then i sat down on the edge of it. her sleep continued to flow with the same murmur. what i find it impossible to express is how g-y her awakenings were. i embraced her, shook her. at once she ceased to sleep, but, without even a moment’s interval, broke out in a laugh, saying as she twined her arms about my neck: “i was just beginning to wonder whether you were coming,” and she laughed a tender, beautiful laugh. you would have said that her charming head, when she slept, was filled with nothing but gaiety, affection and laughter. and in waking her i had merely, as when we cut a fruit, released the gushing juice which quenches our thirst
meanwhile winter was at an end; the fine weather returned, and often when albertine had just bidden me good night, my room, my curtains, the wall above the curtains being still quite dark, in the nuns’ garden next door i could hear, rich and precious in the silence like a harmonium in church, the modulation of an unknown bird which, in the lydian mode, was already chanting matins, and into the midst of my darkness flung the rich dazzling note of the sun that it could see. once indeed, we heard all of a sudden the regular cadence of a plaintive appeal. it was the pigeons beginning to coo. “that proves that day has come already,” said albertine; and, her brows almost knitted, as though she missed, by living with me, the joys of the fine weather, “spring has begun, if the pigeons have returned.” the resemblance between their cooing and the crow of the c-ck was as profound and as obscure as, in vinteuil’s septet, the resemblance between the theme of the adagio and that of the closing piece, which is based upon the same key-theme as the other but so transformed by differences of tonality, of measure, that the profane outsider if he opens a book upon vinteuil is astonished to find that they are all three based upon the same four notes, four notes which for that matter he may pick out with one finger upon the piano without recapturing anything of the three fragments. so this melancholy fragment performed by the pigeons was a sort of c-ck-crow in the minor, which did not soar up into the sky, did not rise vertically, but, regular as the braying of a donkey, enveloped in sweetness, went from one pigeon to another along a single horizontal line, and never raised itself, never changed its lateral plaint into that joyous appeal which had been uttered so often in the allegro of the introduction and in the finale
presently the nights grew shorter still and before what had been the hour of daybreak, i could see already stealing above my window-curtains the daily increasing whiteness of the dawn. if i resigned myself to allowing albertine to continue to lead this life, in which, notwithstanding her denials, i felt that she had the impression of being a prisoner, it was only because i was sure that on the morrow i should be able to set myself, at the same time to work and to leave my bed, to go out of doors, to prepare our departure for some property which we should buy and where albertine would be able to lead more freely and without anxiety on my account, the life of country or seaside, of boating or hunting, which appealed to her. only, on the morrow, that past which i loved and detested by turns in albertine, it would so happen that (as, when it is the present, between himself and us, everyone, from calculation, or courtesy, or pity, sets to work to weave a curtain of falsehood which we mistake for the truth), retrospectively, one of the hours which composed it, and even those which i had supposed myself to know, offered me all of a sudden an aspect which some one no longer made any attempt to conceal from me and which was then quite different from that in which it had previously appeared to me. behind some look in her eyes, in place of the honest thought which i had formerly supposed that i could read in it, was a desire, unsuspected hitherto, which revealed itself, alienating from me a fresh region of albertine’s heart which i had believed to be -ssimilated to my own. for instance, when andrée left balbec in the month of july, albertine had never told me that she was to see her again shortly, and i supposed that she had seen her even sooner than she expected, since, in view of the great unhappiness that i had felt at balbec, on that night of the fourteenth of september, she had made me the sacrifice of not remaining there and of returning at once to paris. when she had arrived there on the fifteenth, i had asked her to go and see andrée and had said to her: “was she pleased to see you again?” now one day mme. bontemps had called, bringing something for albertine; i saw her for a moment and told her that albertine had gone out with andrée: “they have gone for a drive in the country.” “yes,” replied mme. bontemps, “albertine is always ready to go to the country. three years ago, for instance, she simply had to go, every day, to the b-ttes-chaumont.” at the name b-ttes-chaumont, a place where albertine had told me that she had never been, my breath stopped for a moment. the truth is the most cunning of enemies. it launches its attacks upon the points of our heart at which we were not expecting them, and have prepared no defence. had albertine been lying to her aunt, then, when she said that she went every day to the b-ttes-chaumont, or to myself, more recently, when she told me that she did not know the place? “fortunately,” mme. bontemps went on, “that poor andrée will soon be leaving for a more bracing country, for the real country, she needs it badly, she is not looking at all well. it is true that she did not have an opportunity this summer of getting the fresh air she requires. just think, she left balbec at the end of july, expecting to go back there in september, and then her brother put his knee out, and she was unable to go back.” so albertine was expecting her at balbec and had concealed this from me. it is true that it was all the more kind of her to have offered to return to paris with me. unless. . . . “yes, i remember albertine’s mentioning it to me” (this was untrue). “when did the accident occur, again? i am not very clear about it.” “why, to my mind, it occurred in the very nick of time, for a day later the lease of the villa began, and andrée’s grandmother would have had to pay a month’s rent for nothing. he hurt his leg on the fourteenth of september, she was in time to telegraph to albertine on the morning of the fifteenth that she was not coming and albertine was in time to warn the agent. a day later, the lease would have run on to the middle of october.” and so, no doubt, when albertine, changing her mind, had said to me: “let us go this evening,” what she saw with her mind’s eye was an apartment, that of andrée’s grandmother, where, as soon as we returned, she would be able to see the friend whom, without my suspecting it, she had supposed that she would be seeing in a few days at balbec. those kind words which she had used, in offering to return to paris with me, in contrast to her headstrong refusal a little earlier, i had sought to attribute them to a reawakening of her good nature. they were simply and solely the effect of a change that had occurred in a situation which we do not know, and which is the whole secret of the variation of the conduct of the women who are not in love with us. they obstinately refuse to give us an -ssignation for the morrow, because they are tired, because their grandfather insists upon their dining with him: “but come later,” we insist. “he keeps me very late. he may want to see me home.” the whole truth is that they have made an appointment with some man whom they like. suddenly it happens that he is no longer free. and they come to tell us how sorry they are to have disappointed us, that the grandfather can go and hang himself, that there is nothing in the world to keep them from remaining with us. i ought to have recognised these phrases in albertine’s language to me on the day of my departure from balbec, but to interpret that language i should have needed to remember at the time two special features in albertine’s character which now recurred to my mind, one to console me, the other to make me wretched, for we find a little of everything in our memory; it is a sort of pharmacy, of chemical laboratory, in which our groping hand comes to rest now upon a sedative drug, now upon a dangerous poison. the first, the consoling feature was that habit of making a single action serve the pleasure of several persons, that multiple utilisation of whatever she did, which was typical of albertine. it was quite in keeping with her character, when she returned to paris (the fact that andrée was not coming back might make it inconvenient for her to remain at balbec, without any implication that she could not exist apart from andrée), to derive from that single journey an opportunity of touching two people each of whom she genuinely loved, myself, by making me believe that she was coming in order not to let me be alone, so that i should not be unhappy, out of devotion to me, andrée by persuading her that, as soon as there was no longer any question of her coming to balbec, she herself did not wish to remain there a moment longer, that she had prolonged her stay there only in the hope of seeing andrée and was now hurrying back to join her. now, albertine’s departure with myself was such an immediate sequel, on the one hand to my grief, my desire to return to paris, on the other hand to andrée’s’ telegram, that it was quite natural that andrée and i, unaware, respectively, she of my grief, i of her telegram, should have supposed that albertine’s departure from balbec was the effect of the one cause that each of us knew, which indeed it followed at so short an interval and so unexpectedly. and in this case, i might still believe that the thought of keeping me company had been albertine’s real object, while she had not chosen to overlook an opportunity of thereby establishing a claim to andrée’s grat-tude. but unfortunately i remembered almost at once another of albertine’s characteristics, which was the vivacity with which she was gripped by the irresistible temptation of a pleasure. and so i recalled how, when she had decided to leave, she had been so impatient to get to the tram, how she had pushed past the manager who, as he tried to detain us, might have made us miss the omnibus, the shrug of connivance that she had given me, by which i had been so touched, when, on the crawler, m. de cambremer had asked us whether we could not ‘postpone it by a week.’ yes, what she saw before her eyes at that moment, what made her so feverishly anxious to leave, what she was so impatient to see again was that emptied apartment which i had once visited, the home of andrée’s grandmother, left in charge of an old footman, a luxurious apartment, facing south, but so empty, so silent, that the sun appeared to have spread dust-sheets over the sofa, the armchairs of the room in which albertine and andrée would ask the respectful caretaker, perhaps unsuspecting, perhaps an accomplice, to allow them to rest for a while. i could always see it now, empty, with a bed or a sofa, that room, to which, whenever albertine seemed pressed for time and serious, she set off to meet her friend, who had doubtless arrived there before her since her time was more her own. i had never before given a thought to that apartment which now possessed for me a horrible beauty. the unknown element in the lives of other people is like that in nature, which each fresh scientific discovery merely reduces, but does not abolish. a jealous lover exasperates the woman with whom he is in love by depriving her of a thousand unimportant pleasures, but those pleasures which are the keystone of her life she conceals in a place where, in the moments in which he thinks that he is shewing the most intelligent perspicacity and third parties are keeping him most closely informed, he never dreams of looking. anyhow, andrée was at least going to leave paris. but i did not wish that albertine should be in a position to despise me as having been the dupe of herself and andrée. one of these days, i would tell her. and thus i should force her perhaps to speak to me more frankly, by shewing her that i was informed, all the same, of the things that she concealed from me. but i did not wish to mention it to her for the moment, first of all because, so soon after her aunt’s visit, she would guess from where my information came, would block that source and would not dread other, unknown sources. also because i did not wish to risk, so long as i was not absolutely certain of keeping albertine for as long as i chose, arousing in her too frequent irritations which might have the effect of making her decide to leave me. it is true that if i reasoned, sought the truth, prognosticated the future on the basis of her speech, which always approved of all my plans, -ssuring me how much she loved this life, of how little her seclusion deprived her, i had no doubt that she would remain with me always. i was indeed greatly annoyed by the thought, i felt that i was missing life, the universe, which i had never enjoyed, bartered for a woman in whom i could no longer find anything novel. i could not even go to venice, where, while i lay in bed, i should be too keenly tormented by the fear of the advances that might be made to her by the gondolier, the people in the hotel, the venetian women. but if i reasoned, on the other hand, upon the other hypothesis, that which rested not upon albertine’s speech, but upon silences, looks, blushes, sulks, and indeed bursts of anger, which i could quite easily have shewn her to be unfounded and which i preferred to appear not to notice, then i said to myself that she was finding this life insupportable, that all the time she found herself deprived of what she loved, and that inevitably she must one day leave me. all that i wished, if she did so, was that i might choose the moment in which it would not be too painful to me, and also that it might be in a season when she could not go to any of the places in which i imagined her debaucheries, either at amsterdam, or with andrée whom she would see again, it was true, a few months later. but in the interval i should have grown calm and their meeting would leave me unmoved. in any case, i must wait before i could think of it until i was cured of the slight relapse that had been caused by my discovery of the reasons by which albertine, at an interval of a few hours, had been determined not to leave, and then to leave balbec immediately. i must allow time for the symptoms to disappear which could only go on diminishing if i learned nothing new, but which were still too acute not to render more painful, more difficult, an operation of rupture recognised now as inevitable, but in no sense urgent, and one that would be better performed in ‘cold blood.’ of this choice of the right moment i was the master, for if she decided to leave me before i had made up my mind, at the moment when she informed me that she had had enough of this life, there would always be time for me to think of resisting her arguments, to offer her a larger freedom, to promise her some great pleasure in the near future which she herself would be anxious to await, at worst, if i could find no recourse save to her heart, to -ssure her of my grief. i was therefore quite at my ease from this point of view, without, however, being very logical with myself. for, in the hypotheses in which i left out of account the things which she said and announced, i supposed that, when it was a question of her leaving me, she would give me her reasons beforehand, would allow me to fight and to conquer them. i felt that my life with albertine was, on the one hand, when i was not jealous, mere boredom, and on the other hand, when i was jealous, constant suffering. supposing that there was any happiness in it, it could not last. i possessed the same spirit of wisdom which had inspired me at balbec, when, on the evening when we had been happy together after mme. de cambremer’s call, i determined to give her up, because i knew that by prolonging our intimacy i should gain nothing. only, even now, i imagined that the memory which i should preserve of her would be like a sort of vibration prolonged by a pedal from the last moment of our parting. and so i intended to choose a pleasant moment, so that it might be it which continued to vibrate in me. it must not be too difficult, i must not wait too long, i must be prudent. and yet, having waited so long, it would be madness not to wait a few days longer, until an acceptable moment should offer itself, rather than risk seeing her depart with that same sense of revolt which i had felt in the past when mamma left my bedside without bidding me good night, or when she said good-bye to me at the station. at all costs i multiplied the favours that i was able to bestow upon her. as for the fortuny gowns, we had at length decided upon one in blue and gold lined with pink which was just ready. and i had ordered, at the same time, the other five which she had relinquished with regret, out of preference for this last. yet with the coming of spring, two months after her aunt’s conversation with me, i allowed myself to be carried away by anger one evening. it was the very evening on which albertine had put on for the first time the indoor gown in gold and blue by fortuny which, by reminding me of venice, made me feel all the more strongly what i was sacrificing for her, who felt no corresponding grat-tude towards me. if i had never seen venice, i had dreamed of it incessantly since those easter holidays which, when still a boy, i had been going to spend there, and earlier still, since the t-tian prints and giotto photographs which swann had given me long ago at combray. the fortuny gown which albertine was wearing that evening seemed to me the tempting phantom of that invisible venice. it swarmed with arabic ornaments, like the venetian palaces hidden like sultanas behind a screen of pierced stone, like the bindings in the ambrosian library, like the columns from which the oriental birds that symbolised alternatively life and death were repeated in the mirror of the fabric, of an intense blue which, as my gaze extended over it, was changed into a malleable gold, by those same transm-tations which, before the advancing gondolas, change into flaming metal the azure of the grand c-n-l. and the sleeves were lined with a cherry pink which is so peculiarly venetian that it is called tiepolo pink
in the course of the day, françoise had let fall in my hearing that albertine was satisfied with nothing, that when i sent word to her that i would be going out with her, or that i would not be going out, that the motor-car would come to fetch her, or would not come, she almost shrugged her shoulders and would barely give a polite answer. this evening, when i felt that she was in a bad temper, and when the first heat of summer had wrought upon my nerves, i could not restrain my anger and reproached her with her ingrat-tude. “yes, you can ask anybody,” i shouted at the top of my voice, quite beyond myself, “you can ask françoise, it is common knowledge.” but immediately i remembered how albertine had once told me how terrifying she found me when i was angry, and had applied to myself the speech of esther:
jugez combien ce front irrité contre moi
dans mon âme troublée a dû jeter d’émoi
hélas sans frissonner quel coeur audacieux
soutiendrait les éclairs qui partent de ses yeux
felt ashamed of my violence. and, to make reparation for what i had done, without, however, acknowledging a defeat, so that my peace might be an armed and awe-inspiring peace, while at the same time i thought it as well to shew her once again that i was not afraid of a rupture so that she might not feel any temptation to break with me: “forgive me, my little albertine, i am ashamed of my violence, i don’t know how to apologise. if we are not able to get on together, if we are to be obliged to part, it must not be in this fashion, it would not be worthy of us. we will part, if part we must, but first of all i wish to beg your pardon most humbly and from the bottom of my heart.” i decided that, to atone for my rudeness and also to make certain of her intention to remain with me for some time to come, at any rate until andrée should have left paris, which would be in three weeks, it would be as well, next day, to think of some pleasure greater than any that she had yet had and fairly slow in its fulfilment; also, since i was going to wipe out the offence that i had given her, perhaps i should do well to take advantage of this moment to shew her that i knew more about her life than she supposed. the resentment that she would feel would be removed on the morrow by my kindness, but the warning would remain in her mind. “yes, my little albertine, forgive me if i was violent. i am not quite as much to blame as you think. there are wicked people in the world who are trying to make us quarrel; i have always refrained from mentioning this, as i did not wish to torment you. but sometimes i am driven out of my mind by certain accusations. for instance,” i went on, “they are tormenting me at present, they are persecuting me with reports of your relations, but with andrée.” “with andrée?” she cried, her face ablaze with anger. and astonishment or the desire to appear astonished made her open her eyes wide. “how charming! and may one know who has been telling you these pretty tales, may i be allowed to speak to these persons, to learn from them upon what they are basing their scandals?” “my little albertine, i do not know, the letters are anonymous, but from people whom you would perhaps have no difficulty in finding” (this to shew her that i did not believe that she would try) “for they must know you quite well. the last one, i must admit (and i mention it because it deals with a trifle, and there is nothing at all unpleasant in it), made me furious all the same. it informed me that if, on the day when we left balbec, you first of all wished to remain there and then decided to go, that was because in the interval you had received a letter from andrée telling you that she was not coming.” “i know quite well that andrée wrote to tell me that she wasn’t coming, in fact she telegraphed; i can’t shew you the telegram because i didn’t keep it, but it wasn’t that day; what difference do you suppose it could make to me whether andrée came or not?” the words “what difference do you suppose it could make to me” were a proof of anger and that ‘it did make’ some difference, but were not necessarily a proof that albertine had returned to paris solely from a desire to see andrée. whenever albertine saw one of the real or alleged motives of one of her actions discovered by a person to whom she had pleaded a different motive, she became angry, even if the person were he for whose sake she had really performed the action. that albertine believed that this information as to what she had been doing was not furnished me in anonymous letters against my will but was eagerly demanded by myself, could never have been deduced from the words which she next uttered, in which she appeared to accept my story of the anonymous letters, but rather from her air of anger with myself, an anger which appeared to be merely the explosion of her previous ill humour, just as the espionage in which, by this hypothesis, she must suppose that i had been indulging would have been only the culmination of a supervision of all her actions as to which she had felt no doubt for a long time past. her anger extended even to andrée herself, and deciding no doubt that from now onwards i should never be calm again even when she went out with andrée: “besides, andrée makes me wild. she is a deadly bore. i never want to go anywhere with her again. you can tell that to the people who informed you that i came back to paris for her sake. suppose i were to tell you that after all the years i’ve known andrée, i couldn’t even describe her face to you, i’ve hardly ever looked at it!” now at balbec, in that first year, she had said to me: “andrée is lovely.” it is true that this did not mean that she had had amorous relations with her, and indeed i had never heard her speak at that time save with indignation of any relations of that sort. but could she not have changed even without being aware that she had changed, never supposing that her amus-m-nts with a girl friend were the same thing as the immoral relations, not clearly defined in her own mind, which she condemned in other women? was it not possible also that this same change, and this same unconsciousness of change, might have occurred in her relations with myself, whose kisses she had repulsed at balbec with such indignation, kisses which afterwards she was to give me of her own accord every day, which (so, at least, i hoped) she would give me for a long time to come, and which she was going to give me in a moment? “but, my darling, how do you expect me to tell them when i do not know who they are?” this answer was so forceful that it ought to have melted the objections and doubts which i saw crystallised in albertine’s pupils. but it left them intact. i was now silent, and yet she continued to gaze at me with that persistent attention which we give to some one who has not finished speaking. i begged her pardon once more. she replied that she had nothing to forgive me. she had grown very gentle again. but, beneath her sad and troubled features, it seemed to me that a secret had taken shape. i knew quite well that she could not leave me without warning me, besides she could not either wish to leave me (it was in a week’s time that she was to try on the new fortuny gowns), nor decently do so, as my mother was returning to paris at the end of the week and her aunt also. why, since it was impossible for her to depart, did i repeat to her several times that we should be going out together next day to look at some venetian gl-ss which i wished to give her, and why was i comforted when i heard her say that that was settled? when it was time for her to bid me good night and i kissed her, she did not behave as usual, but turned aside — it was barely a minute or two since i had been thinking how pleasant it was that she now gave me every evening what she had refused me at balbec — she did not return my kiss. one would have said that, having quarrelled with me, she was not prepared to give me a token of affection which might later on have appeared to me a treacherous denial of that quarrel. one would have said that she was attuning her actions to that quarrel, and yet with moderation, whether so as not to announce it, or because, while breaking off her carnal relations with me, she wished still to remain my friend. i embraced her then a second time, pressing to my heart the mirroring and gilded azure of the grand c-n-l and the mating birds, symbols of death and resurrection. but for the second time she drew away and, instead of returning my kiss, withdrew with the sort of instinctive and fatal obstinacy of animals that feel the hand of death. this presentiment which she seemed to be expressing overpowered me also, and filled me with so anxious an alarm that when she had reached the door i had not the courage to let her go, and called her back, “albertine,” i said to her, “i am not at all sleepy. if you don’t want to go to sleep yourself, you might stay here a little longer, if you like, but i don’t really mind, and i don’t on any account want to tire you.” i felt that if i had been able to make her undress, and to have her there in her white nightgown, in which she seemed more rosy, warmer, in which she excited my senses more keenly, the reconciliation would have been more complete. but i hesitated for an instant, for the blue border of her gown added to her face a beauty, an illumination, a sky without which she would have seemed to me more harsh. she came back slowly and said to me very sweetly, and still with the same downcast, sorrowful expression: “i can stay as long as you like, i am not sleepy.” her reply calmed me, for, so long as she was in the room, i felt that i could take thought for the future and that moreover it implied friendship, obedience, but of a certain sort, which seemed to me to be bounded by that secret which i felt to exist behind her sorrowful gaze, her altered manner, partly in spite of herself, partly no doubt to attune them beforehand to something which i did not know. i felt that, all the same, i needed only to have her all in white, with her throat bare, in front of me, as i had seen her at balbec in bed, to find the courage which would make her obliged to yield. “since you are so kind as to stay here a moment to console me, you ought to take off your gown, it is too hot, too stiff, i dare not approach you for fear of crumpling that fine stuff and we have those symbolic birds between us. undress, my darling.” “no, i couldn’t possibly take off this dress here. i shall undress in my own room presently.” “then you won’t even come and sit down on my bed?” “why, of course.” she remained, however, a little way from me, by my feet. we talked. i know that i then uttered the word death, as though albertine were about to die. it seems that events are larger than the moment in which they occur and cannot confine themselves in it. certainly they overflow into the future through the memory that we retain of them, but they demand a place also in the time that precedes them. one may say that we do not then see them as they are to be, but in memory are they not modified also?
when i saw that she deliberately refrained from kissing me, realising that i was merely wasting my time, that it was only after the kiss that the soothing, the genuine minutes would begin, i said to her: “good night, it is too late,” because that would make her kiss me and we could then continue. but after saying: “good night, see you sleep well,” exactly as she had done twice already, she contented herself with letting me kiss her on the cheek. this time i dared not call her back, but my heart beat so violently that i could not lie down again. like a bird that flies from one end of its cage to the other, without stopping i p-ssed from the anxiety lest albertine should leave the house to a state of comparative calm. this calm was produced by the argument which i kept on repeating several times every minute: “she cannot go without warning me, she never said anything about going,” and i was more or less calmed. but at once i reminded myself: “and yet if to-morrow i find that she has gone. my very anxiety must be founded upon something; why did she not kiss me?” at this my heart ached horribly. then it was slightly soothed by the argument which i advanced once more, but i ended with a headache, so incessant and monotonous was this movement of my thoughts. there are thus certain mental states, and especially anxiety, which, as they offer us only two alternatives, are in a way as atrociously circ-mscribed as a merely physical pain. i perpetually repeated the argument which justified my anxiety and that which proved it false and re-ssured me, within as narrow a sp-ce as the sick man who explores without ceasing, by an internal movement, the organ that is causing his suffering, and withdraws for an instant from the painful spot to return to it a moment later. suddenly, in the silence of the night, i was startled by a sound apparently insignificant which, however, filled me with terror, the sound of albertine’s window being violently opened. when i heard no further sound, i asked myself why this had caused me such alarm. in itself there was nothing so extraordinary; but i probably gave it two interpretations which appalled me equally. in the first place it was one of the conventions of our life in common, since i was afraid of draughts, that n0body must ever open a window at night. this had been explained to albertine when she came to stay in the house, and albeit she was convinced that this was a mania on my part and thoroughly unhealthy, she had promised me that she would never break the rule. and she was so timorous about everything that she knew to be my wish, even if she blamed me for it, that she would have gone to sleep with the stench of a chimney on fire rather than open her window, just as, however important the circ-mstances, she would not have had me called in the morning. it was only one of the minor conventions of our life, but from the moment when she violated it without having said anything to me, did not that mean that she no longer needed to take precautions, that she would violate them all just as easily? besides, the sound had been violent, almost ill-bred, as though she had flung the window open crimson with rage, and saying: “this life is stifling me, so that’s that, i must have air!” i did not exactly say all this to myself, but i continued to think, as of a presage more mysterious and more funereal than the hoot of an owl, of that sound of the window which albertine had opened. filled with an agitation such as i had not felt perhaps since the evening at combray when swann had been dining downstairs, i paced the corridor for a long time, hoping, by the noise that i made, to attract albertine’s attention, hoping that she would take pity upon me and would call me to her, but i heard no sound come from her room. gradually i began to feel that it was too late. she must long have been asleep. i went back to bed. in the morning, as soon as i awoke, since no one ever came to my room, whatever might have happened, without a summons, i rang for françoise. and at the same time i thought: “i must speak to albertine about a yacht which i mean to have built for her.” as i took my letters i said to françoise without looking at her: “presently i shall have something to say to mlle. albertine; is she out of bed yet?” “yes, she got up early.” i felt arise in me, as in a sudden gust of wind, a thousand anxieties, which i was unable to keep in suspense in my bosom. the tumult there was so great that i was quite out of breath as though caught in a tempest. “ah! but where is she just now?” “i expect she’s in her room.” “ah! good! very well, i shall see her presently.” i breathed again, she was still in the house, my agitation subsided. albertine was there, it was almost immaterial to me whether she was or not. besides, had it not been absurd to suppose that she could possibly not be there? i fell asleep, but, in spite of my certainty that she would not leave me, into a light sleep and of a lightness relative to her alone. for by the sounds that could be connected only with work in the courtyard, while i heard them vaguely in my sleep, i remained unmoved, whereas the slightest rustle that came from her room, when she left it, or noiselessly returned, pressing the bell so gently, made me start, ran through my whole body, left me with a throbbing heart, albeit i had heard it in a profound slumber, just as my grandmother in the last days before her death, when she was plunged in an immobility which nothing could disturb and which the doctors called coma, would begin, i was told, to tremble for a moment like a leaf when she heard the three rings with which i was in the habit of summoning françoise, and which, even when i made them softer, during that week, so as not to disturb the silence of the death-chamber, n0body, françoise -ssured me, could mistake, because of a way that i had, and was quite unconscious of having, of pressing the bell, for the ring of anyone else. had i then entered myself into my last agony, was this the approach of death?
that day and the next we went out together, since albertine refused to go out again with andrée. i never even mentioned the yacht to her. these excursions had completely restored my peace of mind. but she had continued at night to embrace me in the same novel fashion, which left me furious. i could interpret it now in no other way than as a method of shewing me that she was cross with me, which seemed to me perfectly absurd after my incessant kindness to her. and so, no longer deriving from her even those carnal satisfactions on which i depended, finding her positively ugly in her ill humour, i felt all the more keenly my deprivation of all the women and of the travels for which these first warm days re-awakened my desire. thanks no doubt to the scattered memory of the forgotten -ssignations that i had had, while still a schoolboy, with women, beneath trees already in full leaf, this springtime region in which the endless round of our dwelling-place travelling through the seasons had halted for the last three days, beneath a clement sky, and from which all the roads pointed towards picnics in the country, boating parties, pleasure trips, seemed to me to be the land of women just as much as it was the land of trees, and the land in which a pleasure that was everywhere offered became permissible to my convalescent strength. resigning myself to idleness, resigning myself to chast-ty, to tasting pleasure only with a woman whom i did not love, resigning myself to remaining shut up in my room, to not travelling, all this was possible in the old world in which we had been only the day before, in the empty world of winter, but was no longer possible in this new universe bursting with green leaves, in which i had awaked like a young adam faced for the first time with the problem of existence, of happiness, who is not bowed down beneath the weight of the acc-mulation of previous negative solutions. albertine’s presence weighed upon me, and so i regarded her sullenly, feeling that it was a pity that we had not had a rupture. i wanted to go to venice, i wanted in the meantime to go to the louvre to look at venetian pictures and to the luxembourg to see the two elstirs which, as i had just heard, the d-ch-sse de guermantes had recently sold to that gallery, those that i had so greatly admired, thepleasures oj the dance and the portrait of the x family. but i was afraid that, in the former, certain lascivious poses might give albertine a desire, a regretful longing for popular rejoicings, making her say to herself that perhaps a certain life which she had never led, a life of fireworks and country taverns, was not so bad. already, in antic-p-tion, i was afraid lest, on the fourteenth of july, she would ask me to take her to a popular ball and i dreamed of some impossible event which would cancel the national holiday. and besides, there were also present, in elstir’s pictures, certain nude female figures in the leafy landscapes of the south which might make albertine think of certain pleasures, albeit elstir himself (but would she not lower the standard of his work?) had seen in them nothing more than plastic beauty, or rather the beauty of snowy monuments which is -ssumed by the bodies of women seated among verdure. and so i resigned myself to abandoning that pleasure and made up my mind to go to versailles. albertine had remained in her room, reading, in her fortuny gown. i asked her if she would like to go with me to versailles. she had the charming quality of being always ready for anything, perhaps because she had been accustomed in the past to spend half her time as the guest of other people, and, just as she had made up her mind to come to paris, in two minutes, she said to me: “i can come as i am, we shan’t be getting out of the car.” she hesitated for a moment between two cloaks in which to conceal her indoor dress — as she might have hesitated between two friends in the choice of an escort — chose one of dark blue, an admirable choice, thrust a pin into a hat. in a minute, she was ready, before i had put on my greatcoat, and we went to versailles. this very prompt-tude, this absolute docility left me more re-ssured, as though indeed, without having any special reason for uneasiness, i had been in need of re-ssurance. “after all i have nothing to fear, she does everything that i ask, in spite of the noise she made with her window the other night. the moment i spoke of going out, she flung that blue cloak over her gown and out she came, that is not what a rebel would have done, a person who was no longer on friendly terms with me,” i said to myself as we went to versailles. we stayed there a long time. the whole sky was formed of that radiant and almost pale blue which the wayfarer lying down in a field sees at times above his head, but so consistent, so intense, that he feels that the blue of which it is composed has been utilised without any alloy and with such an inexhaustible richness that one might delve more and more deeply into its substance without encountering an atom of anything but that same blue. i thought of my grandmother who — in human art as in nature — loved grandeur, and who used to enjoy watching the steeple of saint-hilaire soar into the same blue. suddenly i felt once again a longing for my lost freedom as i heard a sound which i did not at first identify, a sound which my grandmother would have loved as well. it was like the buzz of a wasp. “why,” said albertine, “there is an aeroplane, it is high up in the sky, so high.” i looked in every direction but could see only, unmarred by any black spot, the unbroken pallor of the serene azure. i continued nevertheless to hear the humming of the wings which suddenly eame into my field of vision. up there a pair of tiny wings, dark and flashing, punctured the continuous blue of the unalterable sky. i had at length been able to attach the buzzing to its cause, to that little insect throbbing up there in the sky, probably quite five thousand feet above me; i could see it hum. perhaps at a time when distances by land had not yet been habitually shortened by speed as they are to-day, the whistle of a p-ssing train a mile off was endowed with that beauty which now and for some time to come will stir our emotions in the hum of an aeroplane five thousand feet up, with the thought that the distances traversed in this vertical journey are the same as those on the ground, and that in this other direction, where the measurements appeared to us different because it had seemed impossible to make the attempt, an aeroplane at five thousand feet is no farther away than a train a mile off, is indeed nearer, the identical trajectory occurring in a purer medium, with no separation of the traveller from his starting point, just as on the sea or across the plains, in calm weather, the wake of a ship that is already far away or the breath of a single zephyr will furrow the ocean of water or of grain
“after all neither of us is really hungry, we might have looked in at the verdurins’,” albertine said to me, “this is their day and their hour.” “but i thought you were angry with them?” “oh! there are all sorts of stories about them, but really they’re not so bad as all that. madame verdurin has always been very nice to me. besides, one can’t keep on quarrelling all the time with everybody. they have their faults, but who hasn’t?” “you are not dressed, you would have to go home and dress, that would make us very late.” i added that i was hungry. “yes, you are right, let us eat by ourselves,” replied albertine with that marvellous docility which continued to stupefy me. we stopped at a big pastrycook’s, situated almost outside the town, which at that time enjoyed a certain reputation. a lady was leaving the place, and asked the girl in charge for her things. and after the lady had gone, albertine cast repeated glances at the girl as though she wished to attract her attention while the other was putting away cups, plates, cakes, for it was getting late. she came near me only if i asked for something. and what happened then was that as the girl, who moreover was extremely tall, was standing up while she waited upon us and albertine was seated beside me, each time, albertine, in an attempt to attract her attention, raised vertically towards her a sunny gaze which compelled her to elevate her pupils to an even higher angle since, the girl being directly in front of us, albertine had not the remedy of tempering the angle with the obliquity of her gaze. she was obliged, without raising her head unduly, to make her eyes ascend to that disproportionate height at which the girl’s eyes were situated. out of consideration for myself, albertine lowered her own at once, and, as the girl had paid her no attention, began again. this led to a series of vain imploring elevations before an inaccessible deity. then the girl had nothing left to do but to put straight a big table, next to ours. now albertine’s gaze need only be natural. but never once did the girl’s eyes rest upon my mistress. this did not surprise me, for i knew that the woman, with whom i was slightly acquainted, had lovers, although she was married, but managed to conceal her intrigues completely, which astonished me vastly in view of her prodigious stupidity. i studied the woman while we finished eating. concentrated upon her task, she was almost impolite to albertine, in the sense that she had not a glance to spare for her, not that albertine’s att-tude was not perfectly correct. the other arranged things, went on arranging things, without letting anything distract her. the counting and putting away of the coffee-spoons, the fruit-knives, might have been entrusted not to this large and handsome woman, but, by a ‘labour-saving’ device, to a mere machine, and you would not have seen so complete an isolation from albertine’s attention, and yet she did not lower her eyes, did not let herself become absorbed, allowed her eyes, her charms to shine in an undivided attention to her work. it is true that if this woman had not been a particularly foolish person (not only was this her reputation, but i knew it by experience), this detachment might have been a supreme proof of her cunning. and i know very well that the stupidest person, if his desire or his pocket is involved, can, in that sole instance, emerging from the nullity of his stupid life, adapt himself immediately to the workings of the most complicated machinery; all the same, this would have been too subtle a supposition in the case of a woman as idiotic as this. her idiocy even -ssumed the improbable form of impoliteness! never once did she look at albertine whom, after all, she could not help seeing. it was not very flattering for my mistress, but, when all was said, i was delighted that albertine should receive this little lesson and should see that frequently women paid no attention to her. we left the pastrycook’s, got into our carriage and were already on our way home when i was seized by a sudden regret that i had not taken the waitress aside and begged her on no account to tell the lady who had come out of the shop as we were going in my name and address, which she must know because of the orders i had constantly left with her. it was indeed undesirable that the lady should be enabled thus to learn, indirectly, albertine’s address. but i felt that it would be a waste of time to turn back for so small a matter, and that i should appear to be attaching too great an importance to it in the eyes of the idiotic and untruthful waitress. i decided, finally, that i should have to return there, in a week’s time, to make this request, and that it was a great bore, since one always forgot half the things that one had to say, to have to do even the simplest things in instalments. in this connexion, i cannot tell you how densely, now that i come to think of it, albertine’s life was covered in a network of alternate, fugitive, often contradictory desires. no doubt falsehood complicated this still further, for, as she retained no accurate memory of our conversations, when she had said to me: “ah! that’s a pretty girl, if you like, and a good golfer,” and i had asked the girl’s name, she had answered with that detached, universal, superior air of which no doubt there is always enough and to spare, for every liar of this category borrows it for a moment when he does not wish to answer a question, and it never fails him: “ah! that i don’t know” (with regret at her inability to enlighten me). “i never knew her name, i used to see her on the golf course, but i didn’t know what she was called” — if, a month later, i said to her: “albertine, you remember that pretty girl you mentioned to me, who plays golf so well.” “ah, yes,” she would answer without thinking: “emilie daltier, i don’t know what has become of her.” and the lie, like a line of earthworks, was carried back from the defence of the name, now captured, to the possibilities of meeting her again. “oh, i can’t tell you, i never knew her address. i never see anybody who could tell you. oh, no! andrée never knew her. she wasn’t one of our little band, now so scattered.” at other times the lie took the form of a base admission: “ah! if i had three hundred thousand francs a year. . . . ” she bit her lip. “well? what would you do then?” “i should ask you,” she said, kissing me as she spoke, “to allow me to remain with you always. where else could i be so happy?” but, even when one took her lies into account, it was incredible how spasmodic her life was, how fugitive her strongest desires. she would be mad about a person whom, three days later, she would refuse to see. she could not wait for an hour while i sent out for canvas and colours, for she wished to start painting again. for two whole days she was impatient, almost shed the tears, quickly dried, of an infant that has just been weaned from its nurse. and this instability of her feelings with regard to people, things, occupations, arts, places, was in fact so universal that, if she did love money, which i do not believe, she cannot have loved it for longer than anything else. when she said: “ah! if i had three hundred thousand francs a year!” or even if she expressed a bad but very transient thought, she could not have attached herself to it any longer than to the idea of going to les rochers, of which she had seen an engraving in my grandmother’s edition of mme. de sévigné, of meeting an old friend from the golf course, of going up in an aeroplane, of going to spend christmas with her aunt, or of taking up painting again
we returned home very late one evening while, here and there, by the roadside, a pair of red breeches pressed against a skirt revealed an amorous couple. our carriage p-ssed in through the porte maillot. for the monuments of paris had been subst-tuted, pure, linear, without depth, a drawing of the monuments of paris, as though in an attempt to recall the appearance of a city that had been destroyed. but, round about this picture, there stood out so delicately the pale-blue mounting in which it was framed that one’s greedy eyes sought everywhere for a further trace of that delicious shade which was too sparingly measured out to them: the moon was shining. albertine admired the moonlight. i dared not tell her that i would have admired it more if i had been alone, or in quest of a strange woman. i repeated to her poetry or p-ssages of prose about moonlight, pointing out to her how from ‘silvery’ which it had been at one time, it had turned ‘blue’ in chateaubriand, in the victor hugo ofeviradnus and la fête chez thérèse, to become in turn yellow and metallic in baudelaire and leconte de lisle. then, reminding her of the image that is used for the crescent moon at the end of booz endormi, i repeated the whole of that poem to her. and so we came to the house. the fine weather that night made a leap forwards as the mercury in the thermometer darts upward. in the early-rising mornings of spring that followed, i could hear the tram-cars moving, through a cloud of perfumes, in an air with which the prevailing warmth became more and more blended until it reached the solidification and density of noon. when the unctuous air had succeeded in varnishing with it and isolating in it the scent of the wash-stand, the scent of the wardrobe, the scent of the sofa, simply by the sharpness with which, vertical and erect, they stood out in adjacent but distinct slices, in a pearly chiaroscuro which added a softer glaze to the shimmer of the curtains and the blue satin armchairs, i saw myself, not by a mere caprice of my imagination, but because it was physically possible, following in some new quarter of the suburbs, like that in which bloch’s house at balbec was situated, the streets blinded by the sun, and finding in them not the dull butchers’ shops and the white freestone facings, but the country dining-room which i could reach in no time, and the scents that i would find there on my arrival, that of the bowl of cherries and apricots, the scent of cider, that of gruyère cheese, held in suspense in the luminous congelation of shadow which they delicately vein like the heart of an agate, while the knife-rests of prismatic gl-ss scatter rainbows athwart the room or paint the waxcloth here and there with peac-ck-eyes. like a wind that swells in a regular progression, i heard with joy a motor-car beneath the window. i smelt its odour of petrol. it may seem regrettable to the over-sensitive (who are always materialists) for whom it spoils the country, and to certain thinkers (materialists after their own fashion also) who, believing in the importance of facts, imagine that man would be happier, capable of higher flights of poetry, if his eyes were able to perceive more colours, his nostrils to distinguish more scents, a philosophical adaptation of the simple thought of those who believe that life was finer when men wore, instead of the black coats of to-day, sumptuous costumes. but to me (just as an aroma, unpleasant perhaps in itself, of naphthaline and flowering gr-sses would have thrilled me by giving me back the blue purity of the sea on the day of my arrival at balbec), this smell of petrol which, with the smoke from the exhaust of the car, had so often melted into the pale azure, on those scorching days when i used to drive from saint-jean de la haise to gourville, as it had accompanied me on my excursions during those summer afternoons when i had left albertine painting, called into blossom now on either side of me, for all that i was lying in my darkened bedroom, cornflowers, poppies and red clover, intoxicated me like a country scent, not circ-mscribed and fixed, like that which is spread before the hawth-rns and, retained in its unctuous and dense elements, floats with a certain stability before the hedge, but like a scent before which the roads took flight, the sun’s face changed, castles came hurrying to meet me, the sky turned pale, force was increased tenfold, a scent which was like a symbol of elastic motion and power, and which revived the desire that i had felt at balbec, to enter the cage of steel and crystal, but this time not to go any longer on visits to familiar houses with a woman whom i knew too well, but to make love in new places with a woman unknown. a scent that was accompanied at every moment by the h-rns of p-ssing motors, which i set to words like a military call: “parisian, get up, get up, come out and picnic in the country, and take a boat on the river, under the trees, with a pretty girl; get up, get up!” and all these musings were so agreeable that i congratulated myself upon the ‘stern decree’ which prescribed that until i should have rung my bell, no ‘timid mortal,’ whether françoise or albertine, should dream of coming in to disturb me ‘within this palace’ where
“ . . . a terrible majesty makes me all invisible to my subjects.”
but all of a sudden the scene changed; it was the memory, no longer of old impressions, but of an old desire, quite recently reawakened by the fortuny gown in blue and gold, that spread itself before me, another spring, a spring not leafy at all but suddenly stripped, on the contrary, of its trees and flowers by the name that i had just uttered to myself: ‘venice,’ a decanted spring, which is reduced to its essential qualities, and expresses the lengthening, the warming, the gradual maturing of its days by the progressive fermentation, not (this time) of an impure soil, but of a blue and virgin water, springlike without bud or blossom, which could answer the call of may only by gleaming facets, carved by that month, harmonising exactly with it in the radiant, unaltering nakedness of its dusky sapphire. and so, no more than the seasons to its unflowering inlets of the sea, do modern years bring any change to the gothic city; i knew it, i could not imagine it, but this was what i longed to contemplate with the same desire which long ago, when i was a boy, in the very ardour of my departure had shattered the strength necessary for the journey; i wished to find myself face to face with my venetian imaginings, to behold how that divided sea enclosed in its meanderings, like the streams of ocean, an urbane and refined civilisation, but one that, isolated by their azure belt, had developed by itself, had had its own schools of painting and architecture, to admire that fabulous garden of fruits and birds in coloured stone, flowering in the midst of the sea which kept it refreshed, splashed with its tide against the base of the columns and, on the bold relief of the capitals, like a dark blue eye watching in the shadows, laid patches, which it kept perpetually moving, of light. yes, i must go, the time had come. now that albertine no longer appeared to be cross with me, the possession of her no longer seemed to me a treasure in exchange for which we are prepared to sacrifice every other. for we should have done so only to rid ourselves of a grief, an anxiety which were now appeased. we have succeeded in jumping through the calico hoop through which we thought for a moment that we should never be able to p-ss. we have lightened the storm, brought back the serenity of the smile. the agonising mystery of a hatred without any known cause, and perhaps without end, is dispelled. henceforward we find ourselves once more face to face with the problem, momentarily thrust aside, of a happiness which we know to be impossible. now that life with albertine had become possible once again, i felt that i could derive nothing from it but misery, since she did not love me; better to part from her in the pleasant moment of her consent which i should prolong in memory. yes, this was the moment; i must make quite certain of the date on which andrée was leaving paris, use all my influence with mme. bon temps to make sure that at that moment albertine should not be able to go either to holland or to montjouvain. it would fall to our lot, were we better able to -n-lyse our loves, to see that often women rise in our estimation only because of the dead weight of men with whom we have to compete for them, although we can hardly bear the thought of that compet-tion; the counterpoise removed, the charm of the woman declines. we have a painful and salutary example of this in the predilection that men feel for the women who, before coming to know them, have gone astray, for those women whom they feel to be sinking in perilous quicksands and whom they must spend the whole period of their love in rescuing; a posthumous example, on the other hand, and one that is not at all dramatic, in the man who, conscious of a decline in his affection for the woman whom he loves, spontaneously applies the ruies that he has deduced, and, to make sure of his not ceasing to love the woman, places her in a dangerous environment from which he is obliged to protect her daily. (the opposite of the men who insist upon a woman’s retiring from the stage even when it was because of her being upon the stage that they fell in love with her.)
when in this way there could be no objection to albertine’s departure, i should have to choose a fine day like this — and there would be plenty of them before long — one on which she would have ceased to matter to me, on which i should be tempted by countless desires, i should have to let her leave the house without my seeing her, then, rising from my bed, making all my preparations in haste, leave a note for her, taking advantage of the fact that as she could not for the time being go to any place the thought of which would upset me, i might be spared, during my travels, from imagining the wicked things that she was perhaps doing — which for that matter seemed to me at the moment to be quite unimportant — and, without seeing her again, might leave for venice
i rang for françoise to ask her to buy me a guide-book and a timetable, as i had done as a boy, when i wished to prepare in advance a journey to venice, the realisation of a desire as violent as that which i felt at this moment; i forgot that, in the interval, there was a desire which i had attained, without any satisfaction, the desire for balbec, and that venice, being also a visible phenomenon, was probably no more able than balbec to realise an ineffable dream, that of the gothic age, made actual by a springtime sea, and coming at moments to stir my soul with an enchanted, caressing, unseizable, mysterious, confused image. françoise having heard my ring came into the room, in considerable uneasiness as to how i would receive what she had to say and what she had done. “it has been most awkward,” she said to me, “that monsieur is so late in ringing this morning. i didn’t know what i ought to do. this morning at eight o’clock mademoiselle albertine asked me for her trunks, i dared not refuse her, i was afraid of monsieur’s scolding me if i came and waked him. it was no use my putting her through her catechism, telling her to wait an hour because i expected all the time that monsieur would ring; she wouldn’t have it, she left this letter with me for monsieur, and at nine o’clock off she went.” then — so ignorant may we be of what we have within us, since i was convinced of my own indifference to albertine —-my breath was cut short, i gripped my heart in my hands suddenly moistened by a perspiration which i had not known since the revelation that my mistress had made on the little tram with regard to mlle. vinteuil’s friend, without my being able to say anything else than: “ah! very good, you did quite right not to wake me, leave me now for a little, i shall ring for you presently.”
Random Lyrics
- leo fazio - olha aqui pra mim meu bem lyrics
- unlocking the truth - ravens lyrics
- kilo kish - on the way lyrics
- simon kvamm - møtrik lyrics
- unknown artist - just don't give a fuck lyrics
- stephen sondheim - no one has ever loved me lyrics
- malú - el peligro lyrics
- body language - well absolutely lyrics
- massimo volume - la ditta di acqua minerale lyrics
- nightmare nasty - bury me lyrics