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mathien - the 12 step program lyrics

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[spoken]
this is
the twelve step program

step one
locate a new spot in a fairly decent neighborhood
that’s relatively safe but also cheap
and there’s a whole foods and a laundromat
within a block of one another

step two
order slippers off of amazon
because no matter how many times a week you sweep the hardwood floor
you end up with pennies and rubber bands and sh+t sticking to your feet

step three
and those pots you bought at the dollar general are not good pots
and you knew they weren’t gonna be great when you bought them
but you still bought them
you should go and try to return them

step four
join your buddy mitch’s fantasy football league
even though you don’t know sh+t about sports
and mitch will probably take advantage of this and take your money
and then on top of that insult you in a group text
step five
make friends with a person outside of your race
i don’t care what color you are
okay let’s be real you only need to do this if you’re white

step six
call your mom, call your dad, call your brother, call your sister
wish megan a happy birthday
tell brendan congrats on the new job
and follow up on that email with that guy who can get bulls tickets any time

step seven
have lunch with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner
and try their homemade kombucha
and comment on how you’re amazed that it tastes better than the store bought kind

step eight
have a nice conversation with a stranger at the gym
gyms are historically intimidating environments
keeping it lighthearted with the other members will help you stand out as one of the good ones

step nine
go to paris one time and only stay for a few days
and then when your friend jake and his girlfriend lauren go a few weeks later
act like you’re an expert on paris
and say something like:
“you have to eat the bread there it’s so much better”
step ten
forgive them
even when they’ve hurt you

step eleven
try to be as sincere as possible at all times
because there’s absolutely nothing worse than reflecting upon memories when you weren’t yourself

step tweleve
go to the drive+in movie
there’s only a few left in the world
have a person lay in the trunk when you enter so at least someone gets in for free

this has been
the twelve step program

[samples]
bad friend, bad friend
bad friend
bad bad friend
it’s bad friend
bad bad friend
bad bad friend
friend, friend
friend, bad friend

- mathien lyrics

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