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melmige - the pianist lyrics

(reversed) i fell unto you, my universe, treat me well

i have this dream that i’m a big+time jazz piano player
packed club every night c+cky, talent, justifies behavior
my fingers roll gracefully over ivory keys
made to play arrangements made specifically for me
every note retaliation
to the critics bent on living what i’ve got, but couldn’t get it
fl!cking ash from cigarettes to marble trays at every minute
i’m sеnsational and vivid
yet noir when i toss innocencе and play scales of lost remembrance
nothing exists outside this bar my world consists of gin and sins
and hints of sepia to bleed into the black and white existence that i live
monotone and simple as the sunset never happens
a perpetual late evening on the town that never ends
they ask why don’t you leave this town mel the big city calls your name
as my fingers improvise a minor key as if to say
i’ve tried and couldn’t do it i thrive in the moodiness of ruin
and these smoky late night clubs where these strangers share emotion
and then i wake up

oh for today
can i feel peace, feel okay
sediment to the universe i cry
that’s alright
color rushes to my vision (oh my oh my)
spinning images of notes rise up in smoke and evanesces (welcome back to life)
rub my eyes and recognize the home in which i live
and the body my brain is in
what a beautiful thing it is to feel (everything all at once)
what a strange occurrence to be real (everything that you want)
place my feet upon the floor to flourish
thoughts to toss the torsion and the rot
my mind endures
cause it’s the sort of broken train of thought
my trauma would endorse
i lost the plot now i enforce
unspoken sets of rules deciding what my body wants
that’s tough
you can’t always get what you want

how peaceful nothing seems to be (but that’s only what you think)
i can’t control that jealousy (but that’s just what you believe)
i live in static and react how i think people would if me (but you know they’ll never know)
that’s pre+rehearsal that’s weak

calming that static you know that’s unheard of
the talking the habits the shame and the burden
the screaming at night
the silence that follows
hiding behind headaches chest pain
its all so hollow
i’m 7 playing my grandmother’s piano, discordance
i’m 12 playing piano in the school band room
i’m 17 playing my own piano, self taught
i’m 18, i move out. i leave my piano at home
i’m 22, i visit home and play the songs i learned when i was 17
ive learned nothing new since then
i don’t know if i know how anymore
only what i did
but even those songs are fading from memory
dm7 to f (or was it a?)
notes blend in a murky haze as my fingers awkwardly sprawl along unfamiliar keys i once called home
i don’t know them anymore
and they don’t know me
i’m 7 playing my grandmother’s piano, discordance

i wondered
back through time and the time that i’ve lost
said regression tends to happen when you’re weighing the cost
of trauma not an option to purvey a quick fix
so either take this help or leave it ship is sinking by the minute
so i crawled through adolescence walked onto a college campus
ran away from chance solidified my future by declining any hands
to reach to touch the palm of mine a warm embrace of some assistance
given not by selfish needs but by a genuine insistence
that i’m not alone in this and this is something understood
by others common sense
would scream at me claw at my ears reverberate my skull
but all too often was preoccupied by my projection of the fault
i should’ve carried chose to bury would take it all back if i could
now aimlessly i wondered streets as passive as a specter could
cause as raging conflict left my life nothing good replaced it
a survivor im a victim that can’t understand he made it
i wanted to feel im alive
i wanted so much more i got it
wanted you to finally get it
i prayed for peace a night im fine
now i dream of times forgotten
wonder when i won’t think of it

i feel guilt that i outlived myself
how could i know the series of event would shift enough
to bend how i carried myself
that’s not something you come back from
that’s not something you relax through
that’s not something you attach on
that’s somethin that latches onto you
i screamed and yelled this isn’t fair
tell me when i f+cking asked for this
empty room a podium to speak to no one listening
pretend that they could hear me act like i could be above it
years i thought that self awareness was enough to struggle past it
tears i fought when tells and answers showed me that it’s worse than ignorance
cause if i know the problem and still won’t ever solve it
what could ever stop it
switch the topic
not right now but later promise
options in abundance
shut up f+ck you listen tell me what to do don’t wanna hear it can’t you tell that i’m uncomfortable
but be there if i need you not right now but maybe later
you’re offended i’m offended please don’t cry i can do better
say it’s concern know it’s concern think it’s not but rather sinister
and since you seem to think it’s not the surface tension blisters
think it’s control it’s not control but it is you just don’t know it hurts
assuming it got worse i mean it did but how is that something you’ve earned?
brute forcing explanation
shift course in my direction
once a month like it’s a quota at it’s limit
simply empathetic said that’s it but i don’t think u get it
how could anything you’ve done so far possibly lead to this
cause you don’t get it and i wish i did
im empty as empty can get
i left myself behind what could survive against it did
and now i grief someone i was that i can never get again
call it naivety or people pleasing tendencies
whatever helps me sleep i switch opinion just depending on the frequency
cause im spineless folding quick but i got no pride left to give
cause id give anything to tell the kid to keep playing that piano

if you’re still listening out there i’m here
i know it’s been a while since we talked at least like this man what a year it’s been
it’s almost hard to look at you and i don’t mean that to offend
it’s just considering experience i needed time to mend
and im sure you understand
because you said you would

i really considered stopping a few times
popping the top off some wine type sh+t
and rocking it till i can’t talk type sh+t
and pretending to settle two kids and a time share type sh+t
releasing a grip on this mortal coil cause im sorta foiled
from increasing any sorta purpose further than the little that i’ve managed so ill retire 3 years after the projected age
because i couldn’t just quite pay the 401k type sh+t
and throwing our caps in the sky type sh+t
graduating but from life type sh+t
you know?
and i know that’s not fair
but what is?

and i know what you’ll say
there’s no way that it was ever really that bad i think that’s something that you’d say
and i know that for a while all i really did was hide
behind some words that i had to look up a couple meanings for online
and every time i come to visit play the out of tune piano
in my head i know you recognize the song from 7 years ago
i play it just the same i did when entering the 10th grade
muscle memory’s all it is
and i think something stopped when i pushed myself away
all on my own surrounded by 4 walls insisted they were mine to pay
that’s just hubris okay
bit a shame to see the day that whatever happens is okay
cause now we work through it the hurt the sh+t
we sorta curbed a couple years saw doubled and revert to this
i pointed fingers shouting spittin in my head but never in it
seventeen so apathetic in my head but really anxious
cause i cared i really cared and never once i really said it
and now im older less a cynic more forgiving and he’s dead
felt the procession march along it shook the earth just for a minute
watched it happen but it didn’t seem imperative to bury him
and now i can’t revisit
i think part of me regrets that
packing up said i’m relaxed and i believed it back to back
i asked these questions every time i hit the wall is this my prime?
at 23 i see the signs am i really in decline
for once i saw security and safety something to call mine
but still at night i found uncertainty in my ability to cry
is it defect or rejection of emotion either sleep or steep in regret of confession any notion
i had fault in some due process of regression of the hope
that they held onto selfishly i kept it going
and it’s over now but mentally im still right in the middle of it
every time you call my stomach aches i tend to redirect it leave a message

i have this dream that i’m a big+time jazz piano player
packed club every night c+cky, talent, justifies behavior
my fingers roll gracefully over ivory keys
made to play arrangements made specifically for me
every note retaliation
to myself my parents friends and anyone i ever loved
to my nicotine addition my prescriptions i blew off
to the classes that i skipped and any p+rn i’ve ever watched
to every time i turned the lights off and i begged for it to stop
to every stomach ache i’ve ever got and the blood that i’ve had drawn
to look for a solution weigh the problem and the cost
to every im just tired yeah im fine it happens hangin in there
yeah thats fair i get it i got time
to every time i wondered when it was that im allowed to stop
i’m sorry know its selfish know im grateful for what ive got
to every song i ever learned before my parents marriage rot
and especially the ones that i learned after and it’s not
the fault of any person in particular
it took a couple years to learn how guilt isn’t just insular
it’s viral a bit insecure and vain to shoulder all the hurt
and grieve forgotten versions of myself like i’m the only one that heard
those songs when they were played
from living room to kitchen part of someone else’s day
that part of me’s alive inside the mind of the audience
that heard me at the first note and will hear me at the last
so i hope that ian found a bit peace within those keys before he passed

- melmige lyrics

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