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michael mann - welcome to the hospital (a bo burnham parody) lyrics

welcome to the hospital
have a look around
every etiology of illness can be found!
we’ve got mountains of patients
some sick, and some worse
if none of them can educate you, you’d be the first!

welcome to the hospital, come and take a seat
we have lots of keurig coffee and free sandwiches to eat
there’s no need to worry, you have our support! (ha+ha)
you’re at a high risk of depression, of course
welcome to the hospital, what would you prefеr?
would you like to place a central linе or treat a bony spur?
be challenged, stay focused, feel constantly dumb!
and by your graduation, totally numb

welcome to the hospital
keep this man alive
he is on a ventilator, every pressor to survive
he is septic, he’s braindead, 105!
with a bunch of angry panicked children
that can’t agree on a reasonable goals of care plan for him!

welcome to the hospital
get to know the place
because a homeless man just threw his plastic bedpan in your face!
you are covered in his urine
he just threw some more
now order pain meds and admit him to floors!

watch a man exsanguinate
be sad, go home and drink
give us all your nights and weekends
cry in bathrooms at the sink
treat a stabbing, run a rapid
make a habit out of napping
nasal pack an epistaxis
take a crack at disimpacting in your+
here’s a meditation lecture
mandatory course
get accosted by a family
be mistaken for a nurse
the bulk of your mid+twenties
living here to serve
for fractions of the salary you ac+tual+ly de+serve!

could i interest you in working here all of the time?
a little bit of servitude all of the time?
happiness if tragedy and wellness is a crime
you can be our resident
all of the time!

[break]

(spoken)
you know?
it wasn’t always like this…
(sung)
not very long ago
between you and me
back before the unions and
a+c+g+m+e
we would “cap” our shifts, at 36
with call days q+2
but now it’s nice, a paradise
waiting…
for you, you
insatiable you

you are coming off vacation
at the end of june
and you finished your time at that
me+di+cal school
now look at you (sigh)
look at you
you, you!

incredible en+er+gy!
you’re contract+bound
you’re interns now!
look at how you grew!
and if we stick together
who knows what we’ll do
it was always the plan
to put their world in your hand…

(aggressive/maniacle laughing)

could i interest you in working here
all of the time?
a bit of servitude
all of the time?
happiness is tragedy
and wellness is a crime!
you can be our resident
all of the time

could i interest you in working here
all of the time?
a little bit of servitude
all of the time?
happiness is tragedy
and wellness is a crime!
you can be our resident
and you can be our resident
and you can be our resident
for all of the time!

- michael mann lyrics

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