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michael swaim (ms werd) – epic-level bard lyrics

intro
alright, my dungeons and dragons peeps i hope
you enjoy this one. it’s called… well, you’ll hear it

verse 1
in an ancient age, in a forgotten realm
orbman (?) the warlock forged a helm
of elven design and dwarvin might
then founded a council of nine of the sagest minds
and wisest mages he could find
they dedicated their lives to devising a mind
that was so well designed, in line
with feral creatures that no one would reach
a fickle home till the foretold time
they didn’t say just exactly when that was
which gave us dismay as we dismembered the last
of the rats of unusual distemper that attacked us
the rogue player had disabled a trap
and there it was on a day, it’s under layers of black dust
stacked up like our xp had just done and
dumbstruck with wonder i mumbled
“f-ck the plunder man, y’all don’t understand”
seized the dm and handed in my stat card
he read it then said it
“you’re and epic-level bard?”

verse 2
ever since that day
me and greatness made a granfalloon
i stroke a single note
and ladies flood their pantaloons
i can enchant bewilder or unfurl
a cursed barrage
the crew i used to call my party
are now entourage
i stop cold any wack m’s (?) action
with a flow un-slowed by wax and p-ssion
behold the unopposed champion of scansion
blowing pan pipes like jethro tull
in a magic mansion
chast-ty belts prove unbreak
proving my lance’s shock plus two
gets through make them do the
electric boogaloo from boo-hoo
all the way to tahiti
my music runs
the full gambit of humanity
from comedy to tragedy
and all points between
what’s more the chorus stinks of
sanguine humors in your spleen

(air guitar solo)

verse 3
solo check, hook infectious
look, i don’t think we really need the checklist
my tune it’ll s-x ya, wreck ya, then cook you breakfast
which sets us in a bit of a quandary
see, as a bard, my job is to laundry list
the hardest hits and deeds and daring do
in short, report on freshness which is new
but what to do?
when the top eight sp-ces
are occupied by tales of yours truly
melting faces off of various races
in a number of cases
in a plethora of places
one time with no b-ssist!
can you hear me?
oh, of course you can
i sang you to stone so
there you stand
but it’s hard to tell
because you’re also mute
a feat which i accomplished with a ditty on the lute
so call my character derrick
cause i’m piercing dc
next to me you put the n into pc
i spew crude or pollute you like bp
and cure all your wounds
with a mood in the g key
so stay close and make the most
of this aoe, and if some dude flanks me
someone call the tanks please!
see, i’m a lover not a fighter and
that’s why i’ve decided to retire
from the adventuring game
give other player parties a chance to advance
their name and net sum fortune and fame
but don’t fret
you can catch me on the outer planes
i’m in an extended tours foreign alien poontang
you rang? don’t cry, i might come back
send me a letter if they ever raise the level cap
m-th-f-kkas

- michael swaim ms werd lyrics

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