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mike gibbons - my best friend is a tortoise lyrics

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my best friend is a tortoise lyrics
sometimes in a gentleman’s life
he gets news that can be bad
like being made redundant or your wife’s b+gg+red off
or finding out max clifford’s your dad

when things start to get on top of me
well i turn to my only friend
he’s only six inches long and he’s always rock hard
with a head sticking out of the end because

my best friend is a tortoise
my best friend is a tortoise
my best friend is a tortoise
’cause he’s always been here to support+us

whеn my first wife ran away with some bloke
i was guttеd she’d been such a liar
well i got into the bath and i was gonna chuck in
a three bar electric fire

i was just about to finish off my miserable life
and i hoped that i would fry
but then the tortoise popped his head around the bathroom door
with a look of sympathy in his eye because

my best friend is a tortoise
my best friend is a tortoise
he once caught me selling loads of weed
and it never crossed his mind to report+us
(he couldn’t ring crimestoppers with his little beak)
i accrued some gambling debts
to the tune of thirty five grand
these blokes turned up at my door
said they wanted more or they were going to chop off my hands

so i got a can of petrol and i doused myself
i intended to set myself on fire
but then the tortoise trotted up to me and he wiggled his beak
and handed me a debt management flier because

my best friend is a tortoise
my best friend is a tortoise
even if i was an illegal immigrant
he’d never ask the border force to deport+us
(he’d never vote ukip)

so i’m over all my troubles and i’m happy again
thanks to my tortoise i’m feeling quite well
previously i was rather introverted
but he’s brought me out of my sh+ll (ha ha!)

and as for all the rumours of anything more
they’re slanderous, unfounded and vile
i’ve had some rough times but fortunately my crimes
don’t include raping a reptile because
my best friend is a tortoise
my best friend is a tortoise
even if i was a fetus who was horribly deformed
he would never make that difficult decision to abort+us
(he’s pro+life!)
tortoise

- mike gibbons lyrics

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