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mitch hedberg - highlights lyrics

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i got my hair highlighted, cause i felt like some strands were more important than others

i wrote my friend a letter using a highlighter pen, but he could not read it. he thought i was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper

i saw some 2 dollar bills today on sale for 8 dollars. something went severely wrong there, what happened? it spun out of control. i miss the 2. i could break a two. alright

i had my palm read, i wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too

i’m a mumbler. if i’m walking with a friend and i say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say “what?” so i’ll say it again, but once again, he doesn’t hear me, so he says “what?!” but really, it’s just some insignificant sh-t that i’m saying, but now i’m yelling “that tree is far away!”

if you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. i like to boat, i just never wanna be known as a boat enthusiast. i hope they call me a guy who likes to boat

i wanna be a race car p-ssenger. just a guy who bugs the driver. say man, can i turn on the radio? you should slow down. why we gotta keep going in circles? can i put my feet out the window? man, you really like tide

all those laughs and claps i will use for jokes that didn’t work. i will make it seem you f-ckers laughed at unfunny sh-t. i’m gon use you. i’m gonna make a whole cd of unfunny jokes then put your laughs in it, and then list you individually on the cd. these people don’t like funny jokes

you should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a bb gun

- mitch hedberg lyrics

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