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mitch hedberg - shaving too lyrics

i have an underwater camera just in case i crash my car into a river, and at the last minute i see a photo opportunity of a fish that i have never seen

one time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”here’s a picture of me when i was younger.” every picture is of you when you were younger. “here’s a picture of me when i’m older.” “you son-of-a-b-tch! how’d you pull that off? lemme see that camera… what’s it look like? ”

i got a roommate. i live in new york city. i got roommate to save money. but, see, i f-cked up cuz i’m 31 and i’m too old for a roommate. i f-cked up severely. i signed a year lease, too. i really f-cked up. it’s like i wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now i have to tell it for a year. my roommate says, “i need to shave and use the shower. does anyone need to use the bathroom?” it’s like some weird–ss quiz where he reveals the answer first

every time i go and shave, i -ssume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. so i say, ‘i’m gonna go shave, too.’

sometimes i wave to people i don’t know. it’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? they’ll think you’re c-cky. “look what i got motherf-cker! this thing is useful. i’m gonna go pick something up!”

i drank some boiling water… cause i wanted to whistle…

if you lost your wallet, it’s hard to dance. hey i just lost my wallet but, hey this song is funky… f-ck it… that sh-t’s no good… this is a cd called “hit and miss”…

i got a robe… it’s not a robe really it’s just a towel that fits me

my sister wanted to be an actress. she never made it, but she does live in a trailer… so she got halfway. she’s an actress, she’s just never called to the set

on a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the f-ck did you get that banana at?’

- mitch hedberg lyrics

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