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monty python - argument clinic lyrics

man (michael palin): ah, i’d like to have an argument,
please.
receptionist (rita davies): certainly sir. have you
been here before?
m: no, i haven’t, this is my first time.
r: i see. well, do you want to have just one argument,
or were you thinking of taking a course?
m: well, what is the cost?
r: well, it’s one pound for a five minute argument, but
only eight pounds for a course of ten.
m: well, i think it would be best if i perhaps started
off with just the one and then see how it goes.
r: fine. well, i’ll see who’s free at the moment. uh,
mr. debakey’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory.
ahh yes, try mr. barnard; room 12.
m: thank you. (closes door)

(walks down the hall. opens door.)

abuser (graham chapman): what do you want?
m: well, i was told outside that…
abuser: don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of
parrot droppings!
m: what?
abuser: shut your festering gob, you t-t! your type
really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert!!!
m: look, i came here for an argument, i’m not going to
just stand…!!
abuser: oh, oh i’m sorry, but this is abuse.
m: oh, i see, well, that explains it.
abuser: ah yes, you want room 12a, just along the
corridor.
m: oh, thank you very much. sorry.
abuser: not at all.
m: thank you. (closes door)
abuser: stupid git!

(walks down the corridor, knocks)

arguer (john cleese): come in.
m: uh, is this the right room for an argument?
a: i told you once.
m: no, you haven’t.
a: yes i have.
m: when?
a: just now.
m: no, you didn’t.
a: i did.
m: didn’t.
a: did!
m: didn’t!
a: i’m telling you i did!
m: you did not!
a: oh, i’m sorry, just one moment. is this a five
minute argument or the full half hour?
m: oh, just the five minutes.
a: ah, thank you. anyway, i did.
m: you most certainly did not.
a: look, let’s get this thing clear; i quite definitely
told you.
m: no, you did not.
a: yes, i did.
m: no, you didn’t.
a: yes, i did.
m: no, you didn’t.
a: yes, i did!
m: no, you didn’t!
a: yes, i did!
m: you didn’t!
a: did!
m: oh look, this isn’t an argument.
a: yes it is.
m: no, it isn’t. it’s just contradiction.
a: no, it isn’t.
m: it is!
a: it is not!
m: look, you just contradicted me.
a: i did not!
m: oh you did!!
a: no, no, no!
m: you did just then.
a: nonsense!
m: oh look, this is futile!
a: no, it isn’t.
m: i came here for a good argument.
a: no, you didn’t; no, you came here for an argument.
m: well, an argument isn’t just contradiction.
a: can be.
m: no, it can’t. an argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
a: no, it isn’t.
m: yes, it is. it’s not just contradiction.
a: look, if i argue with you, i must take up a contrary
position.
m: yes, but that’s not just saying, “no it isn’t”.
a: yes, it is!
m: no, it isn’t! argument is an intellectual process.
contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
a: no, it isn’t.
m: yes, it is.
a: not at all.
m: now look–
a: (rings bell) good morning.
m: what?
a: that’s it. good morning.
m: i was just getting interested.
a: sorry, the five minutes is up.
m: that was never five minutes!
a: i’m afraid it was.
m: it wasn’t.
(pause)
a: i’m sorry, but i’m not allowed to argue anymore.
m: what?!
a: if you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay
for another five minutes.
m: yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. oh
come on!
a: (hums)
m: look, this is ridiculous.
a: i’m sorry, but i’m not allowed to argue unless
you’ve paid!
m: oh, all right. (pays)
a: thank you.
(short pause)
m: well?
a: well what?
m: that wasn’t really five minutes, just now.
a: i told you, i’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve
paid.
m: i just paid!
a: no, you didn’t.
m: i did!
a: no, you didn’t.
m: look, i don’t want to argue about that!
a: well, you didn’t pay.
m: aha! if i didn’t pay, why are you arguing? i got
you!
a: no, you haven’t.
m: yes, i have. if you’re arguing, i must have paid.
a: not necessarily. i could be arguing in my spare
time.
m: oh, i’ve had enough of this.
a: no you haven’t.
m: oh, shut up. (closes door)

(walks down the stairs. opens door.)

m: i want to complain.
complainer (eric idle): you want to complain? look at
these shoes. i’ve only had them three weeks and the
heels are worn right through.
m: no, i want to complain about…
c: if you complain nothing happens, you might as well
not bother.
m: oh!
c: oh, my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and i’m
sick and tired of this office.

(slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

m: h-llo, i want to… oohhh! (terry clobbers michael
with comedy mallet)
head hitter (terry jones): no, no, no. hold your head
like this, then go “waaah”. try it again.
m: uuuwwhh!!
h: better, better, but waah, waah! put your hand there.
m: no.
h: now…
m: waaaaah!!!
h: good, good! that’s it.
m: stop hitting me!
h: what?
m: stop hitting me!
h: stop hitting you?
m: yes!
h: why did you come in here then?
m: i wanted to complain.
h: oh no, that’s next door. it’s being-hit-on-the-head
lessons in here.
m: what a stupid concept

- monty python lyrics

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