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monty python - miss anne elk lyrics

chris: good evening. tonight: “dinosaurs”. i have here,
sitting in the
studio next to me, an elk.
ahhhh!!!
oh, i’m sorry! anne elk – mrs anne elk
anne:miss!
c: miss anne elk, who is an expert on di…
a: n’ n’ n’ n’ no! anne elk!
c: what?
a: anne elk, not anne expert!
c: no! no, i was saying that you, miss anne elk, were
an , a-n not
a-n-n-e, expert…
a: oh!
c: …on elks – i’m sorry, on dinosaurs. i’m …
a: yes, i certainly am, chris. how very true. my word
yes.
c: now, miss elk – anne – you have a new theory about
the brontosaurus.
a: can i just say here, chris for one moment, that i
have a new theory
about the brontosaurus?
c: uh… exactly… what is it?
a: where?
c: no! no, what is your theory?
a: what is my theory?
c: yes!
a: what is my theory that it is? yes. well, you may
well ask what is my theory.
c: i am asking.
a: and well you may. yes, my word, you may well ask
what it is, this
theory of mine. well, this theory, that i have, that is
to say, which is
mine,… is mine.
c: i know it’s yours! what is it?
a: … where? … oh! oh! what is my theory?
c: yes!
a: ahh! my theory, that i have, follows the lines that
i am about to
relate. [starts prolonged throat clearing]
c: [under breath] oh, god!
[anne still clearing throat]
a: the theory, by a. elk (that’s “a” for anne”, it’s
not by a elk.)
c: right…
a: [clears throat] this theory, which belongs to me, is
as follows…
[more throat clearing]
this is how it goes…
[clears throat]
the next thing that i am about to say is my theory.
[clears throat]
ready?
c: [wimpers]
a: the theory, by a. elk [miss]. my theory is along the
following lines…
c: [under breath]god!
a: …all brontosauruses are thin at one end; much,
much thicker in the
middle and then thin again at the far end. that is the
theory that i
have and which is mine and what it is, too.
c: that’s it, is it?
a: right, chris!
c: well, anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit
the nail right on the
head.
a: … and it’s mine.
c: thank you for coming along to the studio.
a: my pleasure, chris.
c: britain’s newest wasp farm…
a: it’s been a lot of fun…
c: …opened last week…
a: …saying what my theory is…
c: … yes, thank you.
a: …and whose it is.
c: yes…. opened last week…
a: i have another theory.
c: not today, thank you.
a: my theory #2, which is the second theory that i
have. [clears throat].
this theory…
c: look! shut up!
a: …is what i am about to say.
c: please shut up!
a: which, with what i have said, are the two theories
that are mine and
which belong to me.
c: if you don’t shut up, i shall have to shoot you!
a: [clears throat] my xxx theory, which i posses the
ownership of, which
belongs to…

[sound of a single gun shot]

a: [clearing throat] the theory the second, by anne…

[sound of prolonged machine gun fire]

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