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monty python - penguin on the tv lyrics

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two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the
radio when it explodes. one looks at the other

first pepperpot (graham chapman): we’ll have to watch
the telly-vision!

second pepperpot (john cleese): aaaaw. (sound of
agreement)

(they turn the couch so it’s facing the television. one
turns the television on, and they sit down. there is a
small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

both pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh…
mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh

first pepperpot: what’s that on top of the telly-vision
set?

(pause)

second pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) looks like a
penguin.

(pause)

second pepperpot: it’s been a long time there, now, has
it?

first pepperpot: what’s it doin’ there?

second pepperpot: standin’!

first pepperpot: i can see that!

(pause)

first pepperpot: if it laid an egg, it would roll down
the back of the telly-vision set.

second pepperpot: ummmm. i hadn’t thought of that.

first pepperpot: unless it’s a male.

second pepperpot: yes. it looks fairly butch.

(pause)

first pepperpot: per’aps it’s from next door.

second pepperpot: (yelling) next door?!? penguins don’t
come from next door! they come from the antarctic!

first pepperpot: (yet louder) burma!!!

(they both stop short, looking around)

second pepperpot: why’d’j say that?

first pepperpot: i panicked.

second pepperpot: oh.

first pepperpot: per’aps it’s from the zoo.

second pepperpot: which zoo?

first pepperpot: (angrily) ‘ow should i know which zoo
it’s from?!? i’m not doctor bl–dy bernofsky!!

second pepperpot: ‘oo’s doctor bl–dy bernofsky?

first pepperpot: he knows everything.

second pepperpot: oooh, i wouldn’t like that, that’d
take all the mystery out of life.

(pause)

second pepperpot: besides, if it were from the zoo,
it’d have “property of the zoo” stamped on it.

first pepperpot: they don’t stamp animals “property of
the zoo”!! you can’t stamp a huge lion “property of the
zoo”!!

second pepperpot: (confidently) they stamp them when
they’re small.

first pepperpot: (snapping back) what happens when they
moult?

second pepperpot: lions don’t moult.

first pepperpot: no, but penguins do. there! i’ve run
rings around you logically.

second pepperpot: (looks at the camera) ooooh!
intercourse the penguin!!!

(the television warms up: a man is sitting behind a
news desk)

man: h-llo! well, it’s just after eight o’clock, and
time for the penguin on top of your television set to
explode.

(the penguin explodes)

first pepperpot: ‘ow did ‘e know that was going to
happen?!

man: it was an inspired guess. and now…

- monty python lyrics

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