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monty python - undertaker lyrics

man: um, excuse me, is this the undertaker’s?
undertaker: yup, that’s right, what can i do for you,
squire?
man: um, well, i wonder if you can help me. my mother
has just died and i’m not quite sure what i should do.
undertaker: ah, well, we can ‘elp you. we deal with
stiffs.
man: stiffs?
undertaker: yea. now there’s three things we can do
with your mum. we can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
man: dump her?
undertaker: dump her in the thames.
man: what?
undertaker: oh, did you like her?
man: yes!
undertaker: oh well, we won’t dump her, then. well,
what do you think: a burner, or a burier?
man: um, well, um, which would you recommend?
undertaker: well they’re both nasty. if we burn her,
she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle,
crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she’s not quite
dead. but quick. and then you get a box of ashes, which
you can pretend are hers.
man: oh.
undertaker: or, if you don’t wanna fry her, you can
bury her. and then she’ll get eaten up by maggots and
weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn’t so hot if,
as i said, she’s not quite dead.
man: i see. um. well, i.. i.. i.. i’m not very sure.
she’s definitely dead.
undertaker: where is she?
man: in the sack.
undertaker: let’s ‘ave a look.
umm, she looks quite young.
man: yes, she was.
undertaker: (over his shoulder) fred!
fred: (offstage) yea!
undertaker: i think we’ve got an eater!
fred: (offstage) i’ll get the oven on!
man: um, er…excuse me, um, are you… are you
suggesting we should eat my mother?
undertaker: yeah. not raw, not raw. we cook her. she’d
be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of broccoli
and stuffing. delicious! (smacks his lips)
man: what!
well, actually, i do feel a bit peckish – no! no, i
can’t!
undertaker: look, we’ll eat your mum. then, if you feel
a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave
and you can throw up into it.
man: all right.

- monty python lyrics

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