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moose maple - romeo and juliet rap battle lyrics

(act 3 scene 1)

benvolio:
good day, ladies and gentlemen, i now presenteth thou with a battle of rapping contested by romeo montague, tybalt capulet, and mercutio, friend to romeo. tybalt, taketh thou the mic!

tybalt:
uh, uh, alright

romeo, you little sc-mbag montague
quit smiling imbecile, imma punch that offa you
you knew full well you weren’t invited to my place
draw your sword on your tongue, liar, i can show you how knife tastes
i’m cap of the ship, and u on sh-r-, won’t let it go
til you frozen up, forever wearing your pantyhose
that’s like, granny clothes, d-mn this is just a nibble
piece of cake romeo, thinkest thou can beat tybalt?

romeo:
actually, i don’t feel like fighting you
even tho my bars be more flammable than lighter fluid
cuz i kinda sorta love you in a way that you could never know
you’re just as much my brother as you are my dreaded foe

tybalt:
what?
this man’s delusional
either that, or maybe he thinks that he’ll lose and so
he says some silly hippy dippy things and then dips
quickly slips ‘hind his friends cuz he’s skurred of the risk
and mercutio
thou art no monty
but just as slippery, wriggling, mentally in-between idiot chicken and grosbeak
you bird brain, a python could come and bite your body
and it’d look the same, crooked and lame, won’t even pretend like i’m sorry

benvolio:
oh ho! the shots hath been firéd! will sir mercutio respondeth?

mercutio:
romeo, i can’t let his words stand…

romeo:
no, good mercutio, keep down thy tongue, let tybalt run his weary

mercutio:
no! he has insulted my name and yours, i shall fight the fool

ay, ay
ay, ay
let’s set some things straight (not crooked)
it’s lil murky i’m a veteran mate (not a rookie)
leave em red in the face and dead in the brain
my flow be slicker than hair on severus snape
ay
call me a bird brain? thas’ a great burn (oh!)
cuz i’m the early bird, and you the late worm
prince of the cats? (meow)
friggin’ house kitty
nine lives like that (cha)
don’ even sound pretty
naw, thou art a saucy boy (ay)
eating yo pasta, now you a stocky boy
i be rich getting that coin coin coin, yeah
win every fight with that groin groin groin, eh
never been the type
to maintain peace
call in the medics they better get him a plantain leaf
i be cuttin’ holes through him, froot loop
can’t hold nothing together, no, loose screw, ay

tybalt:
i’m dying of boredom, send the medics to potions cl-ss
sev, your rhetoric ain’t menacing, and no one laughed
tybalt’s off the wall, picture frames in an earthquake
murky he’s on the wall, pin the tail, it’s a birthday
i got pasta with cheese, sirrah, you barely got bread
your pockets only seem full when compared to your bed

romeo:
woah, woah, woah, hey, stop fighting you two!

tybalt:
screw loose? dude, you got few screws, to boot, screw yourself, you lose…

mercutio:
ooohoohoohohoo, romeo, why dids’t thou intervene, i let down my guard ah, uh-hu uh…

romeo:
mercutio, i’m sorry, i shall defeat tybalt in thy honor!

okay, tybalt
i didn’t really want to get dragged into this cat fight
but a whack might get your wack brags off of that mic
i got rad lines, whether it’s battle time or graphite
and i had a smash time at your gathering last night
capulets crack a bit at my non-vernacular verbosity
while tybalt’s ill-written spittings instill giggles like it’s comedy
you see i’m not like lightning, i keep striking the same place
take a gaze at the cranium, us montys call it a brain, mate

tybalt:
ayyy, that’s another miss and a strikeout
i’m pitchin’ the fastb-lls spitting fire from my tight mouth
you’re like, “ouch that hurt, i thought we were chill!”
an i’m like, “yeah, an i thought math’s a real life-sk!ll”
ayy, you’re such a pretty boy lover, sitting alone at home, gazing up at the starlight
like, “i haven’t made out with any thirteen-year-old girls in a week man
d-mn, this is such a hard life”
cupid’s bullseye graffitied on your chest, man
but i can see it too, hit you with all my verbal weapons
you wet your pants man, finally realized i’m a god to you
run home kid, go crying to your momtague

romeo:
k, i’ll run home, that’s a home run, not a strike
i’m on top, you down low, and that’s the bottom line
the townspeople throw their arms up when i win dough
the townspeople grab you by the arm, throw you out the window
i think verona became a little less fair the minute that you were born
straight from the womb, you were eating them prunes, using a spoon and fork
you’re already crabby and old, hardly a man of wax
is that your real rear end? or are you wearing a f-nny pack?
i got the hardest bars, that’s those frozen snickers
stop shakin your hands like that, man, you gonna get broken fingers
i’m gold and silver, you old and withered
bye, man
can’t put this out, you ain’t no fireman
(let’s speed it up)
they don’t even need gl-sses to witness the wittiness
crack and attack when i’m grillin’ the idiots
spillin’ the grisly innards of simpleton tybalt
a million syllables, til they abandon ship, cap, cuz i command the whip fast
k!llin the imbeciles, giving a minimal
d-mn about the capulets, their family is the cr-ppiest
montagues forever…

background:
ohhhhhhh!!!!!!

tybalt:
uh, uha, i’ve been slain!!!

prince:
oh no, at your hand, this man is dead
and for that, young romeo, thou art
banisihéd!

- moose maple lyrics

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