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mr. b the gentleman rhymer - i saw your father beat a man to death in tesco's lyrics

i hear that christmas can be tricky when you’re a dad
especially when the adverts are particularly sad
your sp+wn demand the presents you can only dream about
and you have to go and buy them now before they all run out
so here’s a cautionary tale, an extraordinary fail
pass it on to others and hopefully they’ll think twice about the choice of parenting style
so do allow me now to regale you for a while

are you all sitting comfortably?
i shall begin:

my chum super d+cky has a son named billy
and the young man’s really rather good
so whеn young billy requested what hе really, really wanted for christmas
d+cky said he would buy whatever it was
for the boy because
the boy had been as good as gold
so when he found the last one in the supermarket
some other blighter had also grabbed ahold

so they to’d and fro’d between politeness and goading
in the aisle as the public stood and stared
as the pleads for worthiness were heard
and their toy+based grievances were varily aired
then eventually d+cky got a little excited
an argument turned into fisticuffs
when i heard what had happened, i thought
‘d+cky, that was rather risky stuff’
as d+cky reigned blows down upon the chap’s head
somebody screams, ‘stop! he’s already dead!’
as the body lay lifeless beneath the strip lighting
it dawned on d+cky now that christmas was less inviting
the thought of the festive season banged up in a cell
begin to make our protagonist fell a tight unwell
he asked me to tell his son what he’d done
i thought ‘that’ll be fun’
i called billy and begun with this
just simply:

[chorus]
i saw your father beat a man to death in tesco’s
the rozzers they arrived and informed him that he’d best go
off to chokey for a couple of years or so
he asked if i’d let his nearest and dearest know
that if you want to see your father at christmas
i wouldn’t expect so

sorry
but please don’t cry
it really wasn’t your father’s fault, you know
i mean, in many ways, you really should, er, blame yourself
anyhoo…

[chorus]
i saw your father beat a man to death in tesco’s
the rozzers they arrived and informed him that he’d best go
i know the thing that makes you most applauded
is that mr. b was in tesco’s at all
so let’s just pretend that the whole thing happened in waitrose
don’t shoot the messenger

- mr b the gentleman rhymer lyrics

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