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mushy mustard - i hope you're not a mime lyrics

[skit: stir, tommy wiseau]
i have a good story for you
a familiar story
one guy meets another in a big city
but one is them is concerned the other might be a mime

[intro: stir (chuck)]
my household piano’s not in tune
i dialed the tuner, “come here soon!”
he asked where the piano was
i was hesitant because
this man’s presence made me shy
he was quite a handsome guy
he found the piano, got to work
and i just hung around to lurk
i’d ask questions, he’d just nod
i’d glance at his perfect bod
feet and calvеs and knees and thighs
hair that hung before his eyеs
[verse 1: stir (piano tuner)]
so one time, like two months back
maybe three, i don’t keep track
my phone rang, i answered it
and this old guy threw a fit
shouting from the other line
through his phone and into mine
waiting for his rage to drain
i just heard this guy complain
then he stopped, perhaps he died
“why’d he call?” i thought inside
then i heard the voice come back
“hey, my piano’s out of whack”
“yeah?” i answered, “you’ll be fine
just pay $90.99”
then he sighed and i said, “so
what’s your address? say it slow”
“4535 maple drive
my apartment’s 3+0+5”
i took notes and said, “okay”
then hung up and slept that day
woke up late and grabbed my key
unenthusiastically
once i finished my puffed wheat
i left home and found his street
looking for a parking spot
i re+read the notes i brought
“4535 maple drive
in apartment 305”
then i parked and hauled my stuff
it was heavy: “huff, huff, huff
hopefully this old guy cares!”
i climbed four big flights of stairs
[pre+chorus: stir (narrator)]
piano tuner’s perfect, i’m glad that he’s alive
a piano’s out of tune in apartment 3+0+5
so maybe he can fix it, and maybe he can not
to me it doesn’t matter ’cause this piano tuner’s really hot

[chorus: stir (narrator)]
piano tuner baby, my piano tuner hunk
gonna drive me crazy, i’m sorry about the funk
piano tuner maybe, we can still be down
i hope you’re not a mime ’cause i wouldn’t beat you down
piano tuner baby, my piano tuner hunk
gonna drive me crazy, i’m sorry about the funk
piano tuner maybe, we can still be down
i hope you’re not a mime ’cause i wouldn’t beat you down

[verse 2: stir (piano tuner)]
finally, i reached his room
which, erm, could have used perfume
i knocked gently on his door
dust and splinters hit the floor
i heard footsteps from inside
as i double+checked my guide
his door opened with a groan
now i’m in, with him, alone
we shook hands, he grinned, “i’m chuck
you’re the tuner? good luck!”
i’m not sure how much he weighed
when he walked, the building swayed
chuck sat down—i mourn his chair
craned his neck, “the piano’s there”
i looked left and noticed—ugh
broken bottles glazed the rug
as i crossed, my feet got cold
chuck said, “watch the rug; it’s old!”
i looked for an open sp+ce
somewhere i could set my case
trash and dirt, it’s all grotesque!
well, at least he had a desk
so, i set my briefcase down
on the desk; it’s greenish+brown
found the piano, grabbed the board
pulled the lid up, looked and roared
“every string was laced with slime
this tuning might take some time”
guess i’ll have to clean them all
looks like i’ll need aerosol
there’s a can, up on that shelf
chuck stood by and scratched himself
[pre+chorus: stir (narrator)]
piano tuner’s perfect, i’m glad that he’s alive
a piano’s out of tune in apartment 3+0+5
so maybe he can fix it, and maybe he can not
to me it doesn’t matter ’cause this piano tuner’s really hot

[verse 3: stir (piano tuner)]
i reached for the aerosol
chuck said, “careful, don’t you fall”
once i had the can in hand
everything went just as planned
later on, his keys were right
even though this took all night
chuck became my closest friend
it was worth it in the end

[outro: stir (narrator)]
i hope you’re not a mime
i hope you’re not a mime
i hope you’re not a mime
i hope you’re not a mime

- mushy mustard lyrics

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