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nantes - who we become in the midst of martyrdom lyrics

astaghfirullah
astaghfirullah, yea
yea

(verse)
i paint my mother a martyr
i splash the canvas wit dark hues of red
her voice was a whisper that’s sharp, piercing the night and quelling the murderous thoughts in my head
i never sleep in the night, ain’t f+ckin wit slumber that b+tch is the cousin of death
and i have a fear of her creepin’ tween sheets while i’m sleep and stealin’ the last of my breath
just look at my mom, she dead on the floor
in need of salvation, her faith fadin’ fast
while mine follow suit, i’m fashioned to murder my demons and n+ggas who never had love
you lеt them enter and stеal all your worth
they payin’ wit pennies but your kids was treasure that you didn’t cherish
the f+ck was you thinkin?
why you don’t love em
why you ain’t hug em
if you couldn’t love me then why i was born
you kind to these n+ggas that’s doin you wrong but growin’ up i felt the scorch from your scorn
you sn+tch my smile from right off my face
i’m down on my knees, i weep and i pray
and i cry say, “i cry too much”
revolving door sit at the entrance of home wit new n+ggas passin’
but never a father, alotta them weird
they schemin’ and plottin’, put you at odds wit muf+ckin’ daughter
eldest son casually create more casualties for the trauma to embed itself further
i think of hate and the love never felt
i think of water rollin’ down black skin in the tub where i got my black ass whipped
like a f+ckin slave, it’s apparent that you not parents
i don’t wanna be anything like you
it’s shocking you treat us this way and claim you still love us
so i never sleep in the night kuz that’s when i see your true face
bl++dy and covered in gore, baring your fangs
i told you it’s someone that come to me inside the dark
you dismiss me and don’t wanna hear it
so smell the p+ss on my sheets and fear in my voice
i beat on the door kuz it’s down the hall
these shadows are moving
the claws gnash at my ankles as i try run
my sister can’t save me, its creepin’ up close
my brother sleep soundly wen i need him most
f+ck it, this monster was yours
momma, just open the door
momma just open the door
why can’t you hear my cries?
oh, wait kuz they never heard yours
it was back in the 80s she laid on the floor
he abused all his trust just to get in her drawers
she just a child, need i say more?
she carried this trauma kuz her momma did too
papa was murdered, what she posed to do?
she need to feel loved so it start wit one kid
can’t get up and leave like the n+gga she f+ckin
don’t know her worth so she settle for suckers
her children watch her depression and suffer
her youngest son pausin’ his life, he stop kuz he love her
she sick and stricken, he wipin’ her ass and mendin’ these fissures
they sleep in a van, she still f+ckin’ wit n+ggas that nothin
while stuck in the struggle
so called friends say they can’t help wit much
but she aid ’em wit they kids and such
put them first know she f+ckin up
daughter crippin’ now
one son doin well but the other is suicidal
up late, he been seein’ things
felt her death comin’ in a dream
hit her phone tryna get rite, before she bow out
‘fore her skull shattered on a cold floor
‘fore he split his veins wit a vertical
‘fore he speak his shame wit his whole chest
‘fore his son to grow and be just like him
‘fore his own pain to outweigh his guilt from this street sh+t we can’t speak on
from the past where the pain was born and arrived through this adolescence so devoid of blessings
couldn’t find a heaven but we live in h+ll
lights off, never f+ckin’ well
in this black void, try to find god but you keep fallin’, plungin’, slippin’ farther
if you submit slow to your lowest lows, use the blood from my split veins as a f+ckin’ charter
watch me wet the canvas wit this dark shade of red as i paint a martyr
(hook)
in the dark, evil comes to light
happiness has come to die
let it perish in peace
lay it down wit my homies
burn it with my mother
share it with my lover
broken, i’ve come to hate myself
the past isn’t far, it is at my spine
no, there isn’t much time for the hope that i covet
on the westside wit my n+ggas, know we thuggin’
keep a smile on my face until i close my eyes
the embrace is real, we all have to die
we all have to die
the embrace is real and we all have to die

“…i wanted to be free of my pain, that’s why i chose to do this. i feel like i’m committed to it. like i said, if i’m not dead by the time you hear this then i wasn’t serious. sometimes i feel like i could be. what if i was? what if i did it? what if tomorrow i was standin’ right next to my mom? that’d be somethin’. maybe i wouldn’t hurt so bad. maybe she’d have a second chance to be my mother so i wouldn’t feel this. it’s almost in escapable….almost….”

- nantes lyrics

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