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nbc - diversity day lyrics

[mr brown is setting up the conference room when michael interrupts him]

michael: hey, uh, can i help you out in here?

mr. brown: oh, i’m all set, thanks

michael: gotcha. good. i’d go with the rows. that’s a good idea

[michael is in an interview]

michael: today is diversity day and someone’s going to come in and talk to us about diversity. it’s something that i’ve been pushing, that i’ve been wanting to push, for a long time and corporate mandated it. and i never actually talked to corporate about it. they kind of beat me to the punch, the b+st+rds. but i was going to. and i think it’s very important that we have this. i’m very, very excited

[jim is on the phone with a client]

jim: that’s the thing. it’s very st+rdy paper and on the back it says, “100% post+consumer content.” what? h+llo? uh+huh. wait. what? i’m sorry, mr. decker. i think i’m losing you. [shedder whirring] h+llo? h+llo? yeah. hold on one second. i don’t know. hold on one second

jim: do you really have to do that right now?

dwight: yes i do. i should have done it weeks ago actually

jim: mr. decker, i’m sorry about that. what were you… can you hold on one second? yeah, just one second. thanks. [power off, silence] h+llo? that’s it. perfect. so what i was saying… [dialing tone] h+llo? thanks, dwight

dwight: retaliation. tit for tit

jim: that is not the expression. [shredder starts whirring again]
dwight: well, it should be

[jim is in an interview]

jim: this is my biggest sale of the year. they love me over there for some reason. i’m not really sure why but i make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so i buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. and this year i’m pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. i know. i’m getting c+cky. right?

[pam is playing solitaire on her computer when jim comes to her desk]

jim: solitaire?

pam: yeah, freecell

jim: six on seven

pam: i know. i saw that

jim: so then, why didn’t you do it?

pam: i’m saving that ’cause i like it when the cards go t+ts+ts+tch+tch+tch

jim: who doesn’t love that?

[michael comes out of his office and then goes back in again. when mr brown exits the conference room, michael exits his office alongside him]

michael: hey, oscar! how are you doing, man?
oscar: all right

michael: did you have a good weekend going there?

oscar: it was fine

michael: oh yeah, i bet it was fun. [to mr. brown] oh, hey! this is oscar+

oscar: martinez

michael: right. see? i don’t even know, first+name basis!

mr. brown: great. we’re all set

michael: oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let’s do it. oscar works in… here. jim, could you wrap it up, please?

jim: yeah, uh, mr. decker, please

michael: it’s diversity day, jim. i wish every day was diversity day

jim: you know what? i’m actually going to have to call you back. thank you. sorry about that

[in the conference room, mr brown is collecting cards from everyone]

mr. brown: thank you. thank you. thank you. great
michael: come on people, let’s get ’em in. get in the cards! get in the cards!

mr. brown: thank you. thank you very much. ok. thanks for filling these out and i promise this’ll be quick. at diversity today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. we believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance

michael: you know what? this is a color+free+zone here. stanley, i don’t look at you as another race

mr. brown: uh, see this is what i’m talking about. we don’t have to pretend we’re color+blind

michael: exactly, were not…

mr. brown: that’s fighting ignorance with more ignorance

michael: with tolerance

mr. brown: no. with more ignorance

michael: ignorance

mr. brown: right. exactly. uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity

michael: let’s celebrate

mr. brown: right. ok

michael: celebrate good times. come on! let’s celebrate diversity. right?

mr. brown: yes, exactly. now here’s what we’re going to do. i’ve noticed that…

michael: you know what? here’s what we’re going to do. why don’t we go around and everybody… everybody say a race that you are attracted to s+xually. i will go last. go

dwight: i have two. white and indian. [kelly, the indian girl who is sitting next to dwight, looks shocked]

mr. brown: actually, i’d prefer not to start that way. michael, i would love to have your permission to run this session. can i have your permission?

michael: yes

mr. brown: thank you very much. and it would also help me if you were seated

michael: ok

mr. brown: thank you. ok. now, at the start of the session, i had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. now, what i’m going to do is choose one and we’re going to act it out

dwight: a few of the ground rules?

michael: hey, hey why don’t you run it by me and i’ll run it by him

dwight: ok, can we steer away from g+y people?

mr. brown: um…

dwight: i’m sorry. it’s an orientation. it’s not a race. plus a lot of other races are intolerant of g+ys, so…paradox

mr. brown: well, we only have an hour

dwight: i figured it would save time

michael: ok. why don’t we just defer to mr…

mr. brown: mr. brown

michael: ah. oh, right! ok. first test. i will not call you that

mr. brown: well, it’s my name. it’s not a test. ok? um, so looking through the cards, i’ve noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it’s the exact incident i was brought in here to respond to. now, how many of you are familiar with the chris rock routine? [a few people raise their hands] very good. ok

[michael is in an interview]

michael: how come chris rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground+breaking and then i go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate? is it because i’m white and chris is black?

[cuts back to the diversity day seminar]

mr. brown: so we’re going to reenact this with a more positive outcome

michael: i will play the chris rock guy. i would like to see someone else pull this off

mr. brown: well, let’s have someone who wasn’t involved in the reenactment

michael: ok, i will play guy listening

mr. brown: great. guy listening. ok, anyone else remember?

kevin: i remember

mr. brown: great. you’re the chris rock guy and you’re guy listening

michael: ok

[michael is in an interview]

michael: kevin is a great guy. he’s a great accountant. he is not much of an entertainer. [a shot of kevin writing with a large pencil is shown]

[cuts back to the diversity day seminar, where kevin is reenacting the chris rock routine]

kevin: [monotonously] basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess

michael: ok. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. he’s ruin… he’s butchering it. could you just let me… [as chris rock] every time… every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass… [bleep] i take care of my kid!

mr. brown: wait a second

michael: [bleep] they always want credit for something they supposed to do!

mr. brown: stop it!

michael: [as chris rock] what you want a cookie?

[jim watches the phone as it rings, while mr brown continues the seminar]

mr. brown: now, this is a simple acronym. hero. uh, at diversity today, we believe it is very easy to be a hero. all you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open+mindedness

dwight: excuse me, i’m sorry, but that’s not all it takes to be a hero

mr. brown: oh, great. well, what is a hero to you?

dwight: a hero k!lls people, people that wish him harm

mr. brown: ok

dwight: a hero is part+human and part+supernatural. a hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged

mr. brown: ok, you’re thinking of a superhero

dwight: we all have a hero in our heart

mr. brown: now, i need you to take these forms. this kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. and i need you to look ’em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge

michael: [clears throat] i don’t think i can sign this

mr. brown: i can’t leave until you do

michael: well, ok, it says here that i learned something and i knew all this stuff already, so… i know, i could sign something that says that i taught something, or that i helped you teach something, so… pam! where is she? pam, could we change something on this?

mr. brown: michael, can i talk to you candidly?

michael: sure

[mr brown is in michael’s office talking to him]

mr. brown: we both know that i’m here because of the comments you made

michael: here’s the thing. this office, i think this is very advanced in terms of… racial awareness and it’s probably more advanced than you’re used to. that’s probably throwing you off a little bit

mr. brown: um, it’s not throwing me. i need your signature

michael: ok, well i know. you told me that several times

mr. brown: yes, but you’re not listening to me. yours is the only signature i need

michael: ok

mr. brown: those are my instructions from the corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. the reason i made copies for everyone was so you wouldn’t be embarrassed

michael: well, here i am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. and you don’t

mr. brown: don’t worry about dating

michael: i won’t

mr. brown: ok. thank you

michael: yeah, yeah. [mr brown leaves]

[michael is in an interview, reading the form]

michael: “i regret my actions. i regret offending my coworkers. i pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open+mindedness…” open+mindedness, is that even a word? “…into the workplace. in this way, i can truly be a hero. signed, daffy duck.” [laughing] he’s going to lose it when he reads that

[jim is on the phone with a client]

jim: yeah, hi. is mr. decker around? oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? thank you

michael: “i pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.” [rips up the form] i do believe… in that part of the pledge i that just read. but a pledge? come on. i mean who are we, the girl scouts? no. look… the guy, “mr. brown,” he got us halfway there. he got us talking. well, no. i got us talking. he got us nothing. he insulted us and he abandoned us. you call that diversity training? i don’t. were there any connections between any of us? did anyone look each other in the eye? was there any emotion going on? no. where was the heart? i didn’t see any heart. where was my oprah moment? ok, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, i’m going to have you all in tears

[michael has set up the conference room for his own diversity day seminar]

michael: all right? everybody pretty? come on. here we go. it’s time. let’s do some good

toby: hey, we’re not all going to sit in a circle indian style are we? [laughing]

michael: get out

toby: i’m sorry

michael: no, this is not a joke. ok? that was offensive and lame. so double offensive. this is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the h+ll out of here. ok, let’s go. let’s do it. come on. let’s have some fun, everybody. here we go. take a seat. cop a squat. and um… thanks for coming in. um… diversity… is the cornerstone of progress as i’ve always said. but don’t take my word for it. let’s take a look at the tape

[michael turns on the tv to show him standing in front of the dunder mifflin sign]

michael: [on the tape] hi. i’m michael scott. i’m in charge of dunder mifflin paper products here in scranton, pennsylvania but i’m also the founder of diversity tomorrow, because today is almost over. abraham lincoln once said that, “if you’re a racist, i will attack you with the north.” and those are the principles that i carry with me in the workplace. [michael turns off the tv]

michael: ok. questions? comments? anybody? [jim raises his hand] jim?

jim: uh, is that it?

michael: yes. i only had an hour to put it together but i’m going to add on to it later on

kevin: it was kind of hard to hear

michael: uh, yes. that probably had something to do with the camera work. anybody else? um…

kelly: i have a customer meeting

michael: yeah, well, if you leave we’ll only have two left. yes. [kelly leaves] enjoy. absolutely. namaste. ok, well since i am leading this, let’s get down to business and why don’t i just kind of introduce myself, ok? um. i am michael and i am part english, irish, german and scottish. sort of a virtual united nations. but what some of you might not know is that i am also part native american indian

oscar: what part native american?

michael: two fifteenths

oscar: two fifteenths, that fraction doesn’t make any sense

michael: well, you know what, it’s kind of hard for me to talk about it. their suffering. so who else? let’s get this popping. come on. who’s going? who’s going? [dwight raises his hand] let’s go here. oscar, right here. you’re on

oscar: ok, michael, um… both my parents were born in mexico

michael: oh, yeah…

oscar: and, uh, they moved to the united sates a year before i was born

michael: yeah…

oscar: so i grew up in the united states

michael: wow

oscar: my parents were mexican

michael: wow. that is… that is a great story. that’s the american dream right there, right?

oscar: thank… yeah…

michael: um, let me ask you, is there a term besides mexican that you prefer? something less offensive?

oscar: mexican isn’t offensive

michael: well, it has certain connotations

oscar: like what?

michael: like… i don’t… i don’t know

oscar: what connotations, michael? you meant something

michael: no. now, remember that honesty…

oscar: i’m just curious

michael: …empathy, respect… [phone rings and jim goes to answer it] jim! jim!

jim: h+llo? h+llo?

[michael holds up a board with a number of cards on it.]

michael: i have something here. i want you to take a card. put it on your fore… don’t look at the card. i want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and… take a card, take a card, any card. [pam puts a card saying “jewish” on her forehead; angela puts a card saying “jamaican” on here forehead; kevin puts a card saying “italian” on his forehead] um… and i want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. ok? so everybody has a different race. n0body knows what their race is, [camera pans over to stanley, who has been assigned “black” as his race] so… i want you to really go for it, cause this is real. you know, this isn’t just an exercise. this is real life. and… [puts a card saying “martin luther king jr.” on his forehead] i have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. git+r+done!

[michael is in an interview]

michael: why? because martin luther king is a hero of mine. there’s this great chris rock bit about how streets named after martin luther king tend to be more violent. i’m not going to do it but it’s…

[michael goes over to pam and stanley, who are talking to each other as part of michael’s diversity day exercise]

michael: oh this is a good one

pam: [her race is “jewish”] um, hi. how are you?

stanley: [his race is “black”]fine. how are you?

pam: great

michael: push it

stanley: i admire your culture’s success in america

pam: thank you

michael: good. bom bom bom+bom bom. come on olympics of suffering right here. slavery versus the holocaust. come on

stanley: who am i supposed to be? [looks at his race card]

michael: no, that was inadvertent. we didn’t actually plan that

[dwight (who has been assigned with “asian” as his race) has finished talking to meredith.]

dwight: lots of cultures eat rice, doesn’t help me. [goes over to pam] um… shalom. i’d like to apply for a loan

pam: that’s nice, dwight

dwight: ok, do me. something stereotypical so i can get it really quick

pam: ok, i like your food

dwight: outback steakhouse. [australian accent] i’m australian, mate!

michael: pam, come on. “i like your food.” come on stir the pot. stir the melting pot, pam! let’s do it. let’s get ugly. let’s get real

pam: ok. if i have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that i do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver

dwight: oh, man, am i a woman?!

[michael is an interview]

michael: you’ll notice i didn’t have anybody be an arab. i thought that would be too explosive. no pun intended. but i just though. “too soon for arabs.” maybe next year. um… you know, the ball’s in their court

[jim comes over to ryan, who is at pam’s desk]

jim: what are you watching?

ryan: chappelle’s show

jim: really?

ryan: i downloaded it on her computer. i hope she doesn’t mind. she just had a lot of extra sp+ce

jim: no way. i think she likes this stuff

ryan: great. she’s cute, huh?

jim: yeah, you know, she’s engaged, but…

ryan: oh, no, the girl in the… sketch

jim: oh, yeah. she’s hot

[kevin (who has been given “italian” as his race) is talking to angela (who has been given “jamaican” as her race.)]

kevin: hey

angela: hey

kevin: you wanna go to the beach?

angela: sure

kevin: you wanna get high?

angela: no

kevin: i think you do, mon

angela: stop…

michael: ok. all right. no. it’s good. you just need to push it. you need to go a little bit further. all right. ok. [goes over to kelly and talks to her in a high+pitched indian accent] kelly! how are you?

kelly: i just had the longest meeting

michael: oh! welcome to my convenience store. would you like some googi googi? i have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. try my googi, googi. [lowering voice] try my googi, googi. [high+pitched voice] try my googi, googi. try my… [slap!] all right! all right! yes! that was great, she gets it! now she knows what it’s like to be a minority

[jim is on the phone with a client]

jim: mr. decker, we didn’t lose your sale today, did we? excellent. ok. let me just get your… what’s that? no, we didn’t close last time. i just need your… oh. w+what code were you given? oh, ok. that’s actually another salesman here. i can redo it if you want to do that. oh, he gave you a discount? no, i don’t blame you. [jim puts a bottle of champagne on dwight’s desk.]

[michael is speaking to employees in the conference room]

michael: i just hated it when that guy was in here. mr. brown, if that was his real name. i mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. i just wanted… i just wanted to do it our way. you know? on our own. man i should have gotten some food

kevin: [with his a race card still on his forehead and in italian accent] maybe some spagh+etti

michael: okay, kevin. you can take that off that thing, ok? that would really, really have shown him up, wouldn’t it? [pam falls asleep on jim’s shoulder] if i’d brought in some burritos or some colored greens. or some pad thai. i love pad thai

stanley: it’s collard greens

michael: what?

stanley: it’s collard greens

michael: that doesn’t really make sense. because you don’t call them collared people, that’s offensive. hmmm… ok, well, it’s after five. [everyone except jim and pam get up to leave] so… thank you very much. buena vista oscar. thank you. good job. oh, my man. thank you brazil. nice

jim: um… hey

pam: [stirs] mmmm

jim: hey

pam: oh

jim: we can go

pam: sorry

jim: that’s fine

[jim is in an interview]

jim: um… not a bad day

[end of diversity day]
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