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noël coward - i wonder what happened to him (indian army officer) lyrics

the india that we read about
and may have been misled about
in memory has has still remained intact
though ‘pukka sahib’ traditions may have cracked
and thinned
the good old indian army was a fact
that famous monumental man
the officer and gentleman
can still recall the glories of bombay or katmandu
in certain clubs you still can glimpse
matured or embryonic ‘blimps’
vivaciously speculating as to what became of who
they order pites and call for choder pegs
and drain their reminiscence to the dregs—

whatever became of old boosey?
you know, i haven’t seen him for a year
is it true that young briggs had to marry that floosey
he met in the vale of kashmir?
have you had any word
or that chap in the “third”
was it prosser or pyecroft or pym?
he was stationed in simla, or was it bengal?
but i know he got blind at a ball in nepal
and wrote several four-letter words on a wall
i wonder what happened to him!

whatever became of old sh-lley?
is it true that young forbes was cashiered
for riding quite nude on a push-bike through delhi
the day the new viceroy appeared?
they say that young lees
had a girl with ‘d.t.’s’
and his hopes of promotion are slim
well, according to stubbs, who’s a bit of a louse
the silly young blighter went out on a ‘souse’
and took two old tarts into government house
i wonder what happened to him!

one must admit that, by and large
upholders of the british raj
don’t shine in conversation as a breed
though indian army officers could read—a bit—
their verbal wit has rather run to seed
their famous insularity
and roguish jocularity
that echoed through the empire when victoria was queen
can still be found in certain bars
in restaurants and dining-cars
upholding the old traditions in the way they’ve always been
though worlds may change and nations disappear
above the shrieking chaos you will hear—

whatever became of old tucker?
have you heard any word of young mills
who ruptured himself at the end of a chukka
and had to be sent to the hills?
have you had any news
of that bloke in the ‘blues’
was it southerby, sedgwick or sim?
they had him thrown out of the club in bombay
for, apart from his mess bill exceeding his pay
he took to pig-sticking in quite the wrong way
i wonder what happened to him!

whatever became of old archie?
i hear he departed this life
after rounding up twelve sacred cows in karachi
to welcome the governor’s wife
d’you remember young phipps
who had very large hips
and whose waist was excessively slim?
well, it appears a curious doctor in washington square
gave him hormone injections to strengthen his hair
and he grew something here, and he grew something there
i wonder what happened to her—him?

- noel coward lyrics

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