nost - walls lyrics
there was dust once. between the wind and skin i brace against the face of a city skyline from a highway miles away. i’d ride beside the ghost of times i could think without it forming rhymes and pointing to some purpose. blown like bubbles towards the surface of the skin i now forget sometimes, though once each second on my worried mind. i cared so much but hated it, trying to grow up kept me a kid. i let the dust in when i could have hid, could have brushed it off, but never did. i watched wind push you like your lungs were sails, while the plaster stuck to me like scares and hides, just as stony and hard inside as out. i’d whisper while you’d show
four seasons’ suns spun above my head, but i chose to keep it november in me instead. and you never meant it, but i’d still pull daggers out of the words you smiled, stumbling awkwardly, staggered down to the highway where i sat, unmoving, though you walked. for every step you tried to make me take, i’d talk and drop another rock onto my legs to keep me here. committed to a rising fear that might teach me how to live my life, even if it existed apart from restless nights. you wouldn’t wait beside the road, though i begged you stay, still i knew you’d go. everyone i loved and everyone i know watched me build a wall of precious stones over my legs, my chest, my heart, built back up when you’d tear it apart
the cynics excuses i once admired build the wall each second, wider and higher. and when you grew up on me, miles away, we grew yet older, and every time your eyes would stray, you’d see that wall of boulder visible down the narrowed road. rock to you, but to me, still bitter gold. the shadow cast by the mast unwrapped by cloth made soft the casted plaster cracks we patched the path with. with prairie dust in our eyes, drip with answers in the hurting. not the excuses i’d make, each smile skirting the questions by constructing walls now miles high. obstructing the sun so unfailingly berating me
i built a wall between us both
i tried to make us into ghosts
i tried to bury you alive
under a mind that wasn’t mind
i tried to find for you a reason
why i would always try to leave and
when my hands would come back empty
i tried to hard to just resent me
and pretend that it was you
for not once ever coming through
i took excuses and “if only”s
and tried to blame them for my loneliness
i was broken like a horse, standing out along a storm. my hands were throats shaking and co-rs-, my ankles shackled down and worn. but as the clouds crackled above me, eyelids shaking and un-lovely, kicked like spurs against my body were a thousand droplets shocking cold against my skin. bold and crawling slowly in between the coats i put around me, dust and plaster, softened, melting
and as the clouds became a marble, my life encircled like a martyr’s legacy exists in death. the wind took breath to say ive left a thousand stories in a voice that i’ve been hiding behind walls and lies, a choice existing as an excuse to look for friends i’d lose by staying in instead of reaching out, by stuffing gravel in my mouth in swallowing the bitter truths instead of just forgiving you. the winds are shrieking, eyelids bleeding, where are all the friends i’ve needed? written off as better off without me, oh my god, who is speaking?
i miss you all, i’m climbing out. the rocks above me smirk and shout:
“we’re all you have! we’re all you’ve got! you built us tall and wide and thick. the plaster, dust, and gravel, rocks, the wall is all you have in this!”
who am i in flooding storms? washed as clean as being born again. what’s left to hate when rain has washed this pain away? my shoulders strain against the weight, each rock still mocks my stony face, that hides the only sacred thought i hid so long i near forgot. that love exists. i know it must. love exists in all of us. no matter how much stone and dust has rusted us, the dam will bust, it always does
it always does
lightning cracked the sky in half, the wall still standing tall and fast…
from east to west, i grew depressed by rocks i piled atop myself. i miss my friends, i miss the hands, i miss you wishing you’d understand. but i did this all so willingly. i pushed you all out, k!lling me. each night in light of my selfishness, undressed to beat the drum, my chest, bright red beneath my fist. i miss you all, i’m stopping this
my fingers numb and clawing at my plaster prison’s widened cracks. the wall now shouting louder than the storm in all it’s power
it’s screaming, “no! you’re all alone! your friends won’t wait beside the road!” but there they were, steadfast as stone. they beat the wall, it’s echoes groan with mistakes i can’t forget, like a rose branch in my head. it took my whole heart’s sickened cowering to force that rose to flowering
our shouts became a hurricane, the storms inside us shake the same
i’m not the bones held down by stone
i am you
we’re not alone
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