original broadway cast of hairspray - (the legend of) miss baltimore crabs lyrics
[tracy, spoken]
i brought my own 45’s, so if you wanna put them on, i’ll show you my stuff!
[amber, spoken]
haven’t you shown us enough?
[velma]
oh, my god, how times have changed!
this girl’s either blind or completely deranged
oh, but time seemed to halt
when i was miss baltimore crabs
childhood dreams for me were cracked
when that d-mn shirley temple stole my friggin’ act!
but the crown’s in the vault
from when i won miss baltimore crabs
those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
they padded their cups, but i screwed the judges
those broads thought they’d win
if a plate they would spin in their dance
ha! not a chance!
‘cuz i hit the stage, batons ablaze!
while belting high cs and preparing soufflés!
but that triple somersault
is how i clinched miss baltimore crabs!
proceed
are you scared we’re on live?
[tracy]
no, i’m sure i can cope
[amber]
well, this show isn’t broadcast in-
[council members]
cinemascope!
[velma]
i never drank one chocolate malt- no
no desserts for miss baltimore crabs
[council member]
how many sweaters do you own?
[amber]
well, i’m sure, i’ve got plenty
let me see, i have three, five
no, wait, i have twenty!
[velma]
i would say, “oy, gevalt!”
if i wasn’t miss baltimore crabs!
a tyc–n i wed, so cuddly and funny
they all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money
so i bought this station
[velma and company]
so all of our nation could see
[velma, spoken]
baby amber, and me!
[amber]
do you dance like you dress?
[link]
amber, there’s no need to be cruel
[velma]
would you swim in an integrated pool?
[tracy, spoken]
i sure would! i’m all for integration. it’s the new frontier!
[velma, spoken]
not in baltimore, it isn’t
and may i be frank?
(sung) first impressions can be tough and when i saw you, i knew it
if your size weren’t enough, your last answer just blew it!
and so, my dear, so short and stout
you’ll never be in-
[council members]
so we’re kicking you out!
[velma]
you can’t get past me kid, but it isn’t your fault
it’s hard to get rid of miss baltimore crabs! ha haaa!
(spoken) oh, you may go
[tracy, spoken]
uh, thank you?
[penny, spoken]
gee tracy, that went well!
[little inez, spoken]
h-llo may i please audition?
[velma, spoken]
no, but you can bow and exalt
(sung) ’cause i am miss baltimore crabs!
[council members]
crabs, crabs!
[velma]
crabs!
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