original broadway cast of tootsie - what’s gonna happen (duplicate) lyrics
[sandy]
i know what’s gonna happen
i’ll try to go to bed
with fear of failure flapping like a fruit bat in my head
i’ll sleep for half an hour
the clock will ring at six
i’ll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of bricks
so i won’t have any breakfast
maybe just a little tea
like when you have to go and get a colonoscopy
which incidentally isn’t half as disconcerting or upsetting
as going for a part you know there’s no way that you’re getting
but anyway i’m heading
downtown for the audition
where everything i’m dreading will be coming to fruition
and here’s what’s gonna happen
i’ll walk in weak with hunger
and there’s a dozen girls who look like me, but 10 years younger
i’ll go into the bathroom and i’ll try to vocalize
and i’ll be singing “minga minga minga minga ming”
but i’ll be hearing “sandy sucks
she really sucks
she really really really blows!
and she’s old and she’s lame”
and then someone calls my name
and here’s what happens
i’ll walk into the room
the gross florescent lighting as inviting as a tomb
and everybody smiles
they’ll say “it’s good to see ya”
but all i’ll see is judges, and they’ll all look like scalia
and then a little banter as they look me up and down
and somewhere through the fog of insecurity and hate
i’ll try to convince them that i’m charming
and i’m clever, and i’m fun to have around
but i’m starting to unravel and in my head i hear the gavel
guilty!
they’re gonna throw the book at me ’cause i’m
guilty!
of coming in and wasting all their time
guilty!
of almost every other showbiz crime
not young enough
not thin enough
not pretty enough
not good enough
[spoken]
we hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables and debilitating self-loathing
[michael, spoken]
sandy?
[sandy]
but wait now someone’s asking
“so can we hear your voice?”
i make a lame attempt at humor, “do i have a choice?”
i nod at the pianist
he’s always wearing black
he’s always in a turtleneck with dandruff on his back
no sooner do i get my note and open up my trap
then inevitably some newly-mounted -ssistant director
thumbs all over his iphone
and i know he’s probably tweeting
“lol this girl is cr-p
she’s a fake, she’s a phony
she could never win a tony!”
and now i’m in a place i know quite well
i’ve left the world and i’ve entered h-ll
i’m this far away from a fainting spell
but just before i die
i finish a song, which i oversell
somebody says thanks
and wishes me well
the next thing i know i’m at taco bell
stuffing my face with meat
i’m trying to take it slowly
i’m trying to be my best
i’m trying to be more holy
less bitter and depressed
i’m reading eckhart tolle
he makes a lot of sense
i bought a buddhist bowl
he said it helps you be less tense
it doesn’t do a thing for me
i sit there on the floor
and watch a vivid sequence
of humiliating incidents from my past go by
and think “what kind of m-s-ch-st keeps coming back for more?”
when she knows what’s gonna happen
’cause it never doesn’t happen
’cause it always
[michael]
sandy
[sandy]
always
[michael]
sandy!
[sandy]
michael, no!
i know what’s gonna happen
don’t tell me that i don’t
and don’t say that i’ll rise to the occasion
’cause i won’t
and don’t say i’ve got talent
and don’t say i’ve got heart
and don’t say that i’m clever
’cause i know i’m pretty smart
i’m smart enough to know
that i’m too stupid to admit
you can’t survive a diet that consists of eating sh-t
the trick is knowing when it’s time to pack your bags
and say “that’s it!”
you know what’s gonna happen
i know what’s gonna happen
here’s what’s gonna happen
i quit
i quit
i quit!
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