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peter schickele (comedian) - classical kwickie-kwiz lyrics

[jocko]
and i think the time has come to try and give away some money here!

[blondie]
that’s right, jocko! now, folks, if you were listening to the ethel, bert & evan show this morning, you know what today’s classical kwickie+kwiz question is!

[jocko]
and if you weren’t listening, well, maybe you’ll get lucky

[professor schickele]
(on telephone) i’ve got someone on the line now, and, um… uh, ma’am, if you could just turn your radio down?

yeah, but… no, no, the thing is that when your radio is tuned to the station you’re talking to on the phone, you get feed+ it’s not? well, could you turn it down anyway?

(pause)

(to the others) she’s going over to turn it down

[jocko]
what, does she live in the taj mahal?

[professor schickele]
now, wait a minute, wait a minute… here she comes…

(to the caller) okay! what’s your name? yeah, brenda what? brenda tharlson + and where do you live, brenda? inkster, one of my favorite towns!

okay, brenda tharlson from inkster, north dakota! here is today’s classical kwickie+kwiz question: how much would domenico scarlatti have weighed on jupiter? that’s right: how much would the eighteenth+century composer domenico scarlatti have weighed on the planet jupiter? that’s okay, take your time

(pause)

[jocko]
blondie, your toenails need cutting

[blondie]
eh…

[professor schickele]
okay, brenda, you got it?

no, i’m sorry, that is not the correct answer. no, no, that’s how much alessandro scarlatti would have weighed on jupiter: we’re talking about the younger one, domenico. too bad, brenda, but don’t worry, all is not lost: just for talking to us this evening, you are going to receive, absolutely free, a pair of wtwp: wall+to+wall pachelbel classical coasters. now, these little beauts are suitable for use with glasses containing hot or cold beverages + and they’re just our little way of saying thanks! thanks, brenda tharlson, for talking to+

(pause)

what did you say?

(pause)

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, listen to who’s calling who a loser!

(pause)

i do, too! shinola is a shoe polish!!

yeah, well, same to you, you old bag!!

(slams phone)

boy…

[jocko]
h+ll hath no fury

[blondie]
oh, don’t worry about it, prof. what say we get back to some music?

[professor schickele]
good idea, blondie. and i’ve got a very interesting little tidbit to throw in, here: the original first movement of p.d.q. bach’s choral cantata, “knock knock”. apparently p.d.q. changed his mind later and wrote another first movement, which is the one i used, of course, when i recorded the entire work a while back there + but just for the historical heck of it, here’s the original!

[jocko]
droppin’ straight down on you!

[blondie]
from wtwp!

- peter schickele comedian lyrics

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